Maximum Paradise Driver!
by Ironypus
Summary: Saiga and Ichigo go out on a date to an amusement park and have a motorcycle based adventure. Book II: Earth
1. Full retard

_**Irony'sNote: **_I would be very happy if you left a reveiw. They are good. Do this thing. Plz.

* * *

Saiga looked deep into his beloved Ichigo Kurosaki-kuns eyes, they were in so much butt love. "call me rukia, you sexy thang you," he demanded sexily of his lover. He always demaded sexily. The reason he wanted to be called rukia was because she was a pretty hot bitch, if a little cold. Saiga chortled at his pun.

"Um, ok, rukia" said ichigo, a note of desperate panic rising in his voice. He looked at the exit and shook his head. The stockholm syndrome was really starting to kick in.

Rukia tenderly caressed ichigo's bruised cheek. He normally didn't notice the bruises, but they were always there. "I want it…up the butt" he whispered into ichigo's tender and many ear.

"of, of course rukia," ichigo forced out with a pained cringe and prepared himself.

But lo! The worlds shifted and Super Sayajin 3 Hitler burst into the room. "Saiga and ichigo!" he vellowed in badly translated german. "the galaxy is in danger, and we need your help."

"I'm rukia" said saiga dangerously. "refer to me as rukia," he said to both hitler

Hitler gave him a dude-ye-be-so-retarded look. "rukia, your our best agent. You killed the most jews and that upstart SA leader Romm- rolf- himml- you killed him anyway. You are you best nazi ever and the space jews are attacking."

In reality, Saiga didn't hate jews because that would be a PC shitstorm, but he did hate clowns and their clown language. He punched Hagrid in his giant giants dick and stole his motorcycle. Perhaps he would play a card game on it later, saiga foreshaowed. "get on luvvykins~" he said to ichigo who flinched at the noise. "race you to space, space hitler!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" shouted space hitler as he began to power his power up to maximum over nine thousand!

Ichigo gingerly got on the bike with a wince, he was always wincing but rukia never seemed to take the hint.

"adventure time!" cried saiga in childish delight as the motorbike flew into the sky. "Caaaal meeeeee Ruuukiaaaaaa!" he shouted to ironypus. I rolled my eyes.

"now we sing the motorcycle song don't we boyo?" threatened rukia lovingly.

Ichigo let a single tear escape, "get your motor running, get out in the highway-"

"fuck no, that shit be whack!" siaga hit ichigo on the nose. That was the song for ten minutes ago. "it goes, Jitensha!"

"Jitensha…" muttered ichigo.

Rukia nodded sinisterly, "yeah it's a good one innit boy"

"jitensha…"

"JITENSHA! JITENSHA!~" sang rukia as they blased off into the stratosohere. They didn't freeze to death because rukia was a wizard.

The vacuum of space was a wondr to behold. A loud beep sounded from within saigas helmet. It was Deckard motherfucking cain. Fuck.

"I've seen a lot of horrible things in my travels but none more vile than the WRETCHED MOTHERS!" Deckard quoth from his tome of forgotten eldritch lore.

Saiga threw his helmet at ichigo. "why did you get me this helmet?! Huh!? Idiot!"

Ichigo knew better than to tell him rukia boght the helmet. He stemmed the flow of blood from his nose. "jitensha…" he sang wearily. His throat was getting sore after six straight hours.

This is getting really dull, thought saiga, he was traveling at half light speed but it would take days to get to space jew head quarters. He reached into a dimension where all screamed for naugt and retieved his guitar, given to him personally by good guy lucifer. He stummed a few chords and began busting out a sweet solo. He put his foot on the handle bars and stood up because the car was in cruise control anyway.

His jazz fusion lick was so tasty. So tasty in fact that it attctarcted sound mites from the next dimension over. Sound mites loved phat beats.

"ichigo, we've got to take these fuckers down! I am so awesome I am going to take tham down!" rukia projectile vomited vomit at them but they were going forward at light speed so tey were splattered with vomit. Luckily rukia was a wizrd.

"I'll just…shall I?" queried ichigo, cowering from rukias glare.

Rukia nodded curtly.

"final gatsuuga jitensha!" ichigo cleave dthe sound mites with his bankai sword thing. It wasn't really a sword, but a large purple dildo rukia liked to call Kenneth. But it was still sharp.

"gnnnneah whatever" said saiga, very put out about how useless he was.

He pulled a devil fruit from his pocket.

Saiga looked apprehensively at the fruit. It was shapped like a phallus. A dirty great phallus in his hand and he was going to eat it. Its testicles looked like a bunch of smaller phalii. Fuck.

Rukia took a bite out of the fruits fruits knob. It tasted like a mustard cartilagewich. Rukia hated mustad. But she ate it anyway. The balls of dickfruit tasted like jizzy victory.

And then quite suddenly all of a sudden, Nigel Thornberry Dickspider burst from a void in space and leapt at rukia. It was the new enemy she could test her powers against. But a nigel Thornberry dickspider was not a foe to be unwary of.

Its head was one of Nigel Thornberry. Its body dick with the head of Thornberry attached to the heads eye and the eight spider legs spread down the shaft. It's cold fusion reactor spewed thrust out the nether twixt the balls.

The dickspider sped towars siaga at frightening speeds and collided with is face.

Siaga burst into dicks. This was the best power ever. The dicks attacked the dickspider like a swarm of dickbees. Stinging and biting, the rukia dickswarm reformed into a congealed blob of flesh that soom took on human resemblance. "fear me and my mighty dick powers!" rukia cried in elation.

Ichigo cried in fear.

"BLARGARG!" offered the dickspider politely,, for he was agentleman of class and stature.

This incensed rukia for some reason and she turned into a mighty dick, fathoms deep and wrapped around the dickspder, crushing the life out of it. But nigel thronberry wasn't a dickspider for nothing!

Quick as fetishist, nigel dickspider turned his thrust of full bore, burning saigas tender dickflesh. He bit at the dickflesh beore him, sinking his powerful dickthorn fangs into the soft skin.

Rukia screeched in pain and scattered into a cloud of microscopic dicks. The dickcloud drifted towards nigel thronbryy dickspider and invaded his dicklungs. Once he was inside the dickspider's dicklungs, he coagulated himself into a larger dick. The nigel Thornberry dickspider had the most unpleasant experience of drowning in dicks.

A multitude of dicks burst from nigels dickthroat, coalescing into one great big dicksaiga. "is that the best you have got dickspider-san?" rukia quipped, "go run home to your dickwife!"

"BLARGARG" said the dickspider, for reasons he could not fathom this dickmanthing was behaving in a manner most unbecoming of a gentleman. "BLARGARG" he pleaded his case to the dickrukia.

"go suck a dick!" said rukia, now back in rukia form.

Nigel Thornberry the dickspider teleported home, away from this uncouth thug. Must unsavoury. But he would be back.

"ahshit…" whispered ichigo to himself, a habit he had picked up of late. "that was a lot of dicks"

"shut up, dikchigo!" chortled rukia the dick, pleased with her play on words. "and now ride me like a horse, we have to go kill space jews in space!" he turned into a dick large enough to ride.

Ichigo let out another tear and got on, he thought of his past life. He wanted that back, and he would have it…one way or another.

A shadowy council of space jews sat around an oblong table, discussing money and little hats and money. Among the seated was zoidberg, the lobstermanthing. Then watto from the star wars franchise. Accompanying him as his gimp slave was Chewbacca. Davros was next, looking entirely unsure of how he got here. Erogon the fagon rider was next to him, talking loudly about how he 'totally nailer arya so hard last night dudes I swear, I am not gay'. Apparently eragon wasn't gay.

Rossamund bookchild was nailed to his chair, this was his accustomed practice. For a monster that guys ure is racist. So crazy racist.

Last but not last were the dinosaur comics conglomerate. T-rex was at the head having opinions, utahraptor was correcting him and droneciouecioueciouecs stood in the background, forgotten.

Walt Disney burst into the room, he was all cut up and stuff. "ma peepios! We got ourselves a new membah! Feast yor eyes on rukiaaa, mayn!". Walt Disney was a space jew. Obviously.

This was the real rukia, not the saiga whi wanted to be ukia for ichigo.

"ice to meat you" said rukia. "I'm sure we will all be very god fiends"

"I feel that we poorly represent our comic" said t-rex loudly, talking over her, "I do my best not to be a crazy racist"

"you know t rex" said utahraptor, "that there are four carbon atoms in the outermost ring of an electron"

"boiz-" began walt before being cut off by davros.

"I too feel poorly repsesented, I mean, I doo my best to be a crazy rcist" davros confuzzled "but I am in space jew space council in space? And my lignting hand is malfunctioning, who split coffee on it?"

"my bad-" zoidberg began before he was cut off by rossamund.

"I am your god now, bring me your virgins!" te small boy monster bellowed. He was ignored.

Chewbacca tried to say something but his leather mask wouldn't let him and then watto punched him in his wookie belly.

"we must construct additional pylons, we need more resources!"

Yes, mused walt, this was more like it. Crazy racism andmoney management. That was what his retirement home was all about.

Rukia and ichigo were taking turns smoking pot and crak and heroine all mixed up in a bong made from the remains of a star whale they had just slain epically. Well, ichigo slew it, rukia was still useless.

"it's like" said ichigo dreamily, "the establishment is briging us down man"

"yeah" saiga replied "the labour parties-"

"naw man, the liberals!"

"the liberals are making it hard for me to find decent work, yknow?"

Ichigo shook his head and breathed out some smoke "their legislations are bullshit man"

"why cant they just pass, like, a free money law?"

"or an everyone gets everything equally law?"

"oh man thatd be so great, were genius's we invented world peace! All we need is for everyone to be equal, man"

Ichigo dropped an E. he was going to be tripping all the balls.

Rukia snorted fifty grams of cocaine. Cracker be trippin.

"gah!" said ichiga a short time later, "I'm tripping balls!"

"oh now I am reipping balls" said rukia

"were tripping balls!"

"dude I'm tripping balls"  
"dude _I'm_ tripping balls!"

"oh wait, I feel fine"

"my balls are tripping balls!"

"oh there it goes"

Needless to say. They were tripping balls.

Space hitler appeared inside te arbys. "heil me and whatnot! Why are yew not killing ze jooz?"

Rukia looked at hitlers enormous golden hair "that looks like so sof can I touch it of course I ca touch it just let e touch it cmon man don't be a dick and let me toch it!" he said all of this very quiackly.

Ichigo's screms were a silent symphony he could not share.

"are you two trippijng balls right now?" asked space hitler coyly.

"nooo" choroused the boys and girls.

"because it looks like your tripping balls right now" admonished hitler.

"were not tripping balls mr space hitler" they told him.

"_**then get to fucking work"**_ hitler spat. He had no time for this bullshit. He grabbed the waitress an crushed her head like agrape, a blood grape made of blood and brains. He tore her in have vertically, spraying the apathetic patrons on gore.

"you miserable little fucks!" hissed hitler, "puissant! Jaccuse! Jamappele le poisson! Le poisson!"

"tu le mondl, je suis desiree" cried a surprised rukia. That was way below the belt.

"you cant just come in here with your fancy shoes and tell us to kill all the space jews!" protested ichigo, "its tacky, for one, and also it is lazy"

SS3 space hitler tore his arm off. And beat him with it. Now who's tacky?

Still probably space hitler, though.

"you're a dick space hitler" whispered an aghast saiga, how could ichigo give him two handed hand jobs now?

"Na-Zi" said space hitler, brigning his hands together "Na-Zi" the light was getting brighter. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA!"

The beam of pure racism blasted rukia of his foot and filled him with hate for sace jews.

"let that be a lesson to you" said space hitler and e ordered a croissant and left.

"well, we better go then" mumbled rukia into his pig pate of waffles.

"yes, let us" replied konan. Konan and minato left the donut king in search of pastures green. Pastures green was, incidentally, the name of the new theme park catering specifically to lovey dovey couples which suited ichigo and minato just fine.

Rukia and koanan found te pastures green after ten minutes of punchin sonic to get directins, sonic was a dickmunch. He told them they were too slow. They showed him too slow.

Ichigo and Konan, sucked off the guy at the entrece to get free entry and went inside. It was beautiful. There were happy couples everywhere just like them. Naruto nad Anko, Barak Obaba and Dalek Kaan, Frodo and Shelob, mrs potts and mothra, grimjaw and Ronald wesly, luffy and usuagi, they were all there. Having couples fun.

Rukia and ichigo left konan and minato behing to go and make out sexily. Rukia dragged ichigo who seemed to be in some sort of great internal pain and kissed him tenderly on the lips. How siaga loved ichigo, he loved him so much. I only rukia couldbe here too to make it all super perfect, he thought, sucking ichigos tungsten tongue.

Ichigo pushed her away and gave her his best 'sultry -abused-boyfriend' look. "lets go on the tunnel of love" he whispered licking the wax out of her ear.

"jus doo eet!" screetched a elated rukia. For once ichigo was manning up and taking control. She liked that in a man.

On the way rukia purchased a long strip of red licorish so they could re-enact lady and the tramp together it would be so fuking hot just you wait. Ichigo led her by the tenderly tender hand tenderly into the tunnel of love.

"come, my sweet" he purred "join me forever"

"oh ichigo, this is the happiest day of my life!" rukia hissed sexily, cupping his junk.

Ichigo flinched but managed to smile "come, mine love. And we shall be together forver more. Just like in high school musical 7"

Rukia came. He loved high school musical 7. There was, strangely, no line for the tunnel of love. Rukia guessed everyone else must be in te love hotels. Too bad for them, they wouldn't get to experience true romance.

The conductor, a green man with enormoudly pufy lips, let them on with a smile showing sharp teeth.

Hot, thought saiga, vowing to file his own teeth to points.

There was a sharp jerk as the ride started, throwing a ready rukia into ichigo's lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his neck. "we should totally have sex" he demanded.

"umm" ichigo stammered, "don't you want to eat the red vine first? For maximum erotic impact?"

"yeeessss" hissed rukia, producing the vine and sticking one end in her mouth. "eat it slowly…" she threatened.

Ichigo gatered the red sweet with his sexy tungsten tongue sexily and began to chew slowly, prolonging the horror. Soon enough their mouths met in a gloriously sloppy brew of saliva and red vine. Lips mashing together like horny sea slugs, rukia and ichigo had sexy awesome makeouts.

Unbeknownst to rukia but painfuly beknownst to ichigo, the ride was taking a darker turn. Water leaked from the rusty overhead pipes that crisscrossed the ceiling like oxidised snakes that seemed ready to drop and crush him to death into the covering of some sort of liquid on the floor barely an inch deep.

The ride grated to a stop before a large set of gates. Inside the gates was darkness.

Shit, thought ichigo, hoping rukia would get off him soon.

A presence stirrede, a vile miste gathered. Ichigo realised that dead C'thulu lay dreamin. And he wasn't dead any longer. The realisation hit him in the face like a sack of Kenneth. They wernt in pastures green, they were in the amusement park R'lyeh!

"rukia we ave to get out of here! C'thulhu will devour us! Devour our cocks!" ichigo spluttered through the spitty redvine.

"our cocks?! That's oir most vital area!" shrieked rukia, because if they had no cocks they could have sex.

Cthuloo stirred restlessly, a rushing tangle of shapes and forgotten voices. Ichigo failed his SAN check roll.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" bellowed ichigo, lashing out with Kenneth, sending gastsuegars everywhere. His eyes saw only knives. It was the worst pain imaginable.

"don't worry" said saiga confiedtly "I'll distract him with my I Pony 2!" rukia got out her I pony and threw it at cuthooloo.

C'thulu grabbed the fell device and beheld a horror even he was proud of. "GOOSH GOOSH!" said the I pony, playing its video.

And then ctuulhu spoke, a tangle of a thousand dead languages and a thousand cosmic more. The speech burst black from the tentacle confines f his mouth, forming a grotesque bubble intersperced with squiggles of madness.

Rukia failer her San check . she let go of the tethers of life and drifted away. But a viosn came to her as she tried to die. A supermnyly man, wearing nothing but pants, a cape and sunglasses.

"you musnt give up" said kamina "don't believe n yourself! Believe in the me who believes in the you!"

"FIGHT THE POWAH!" shouted simon, plunging his drill key into c'thulu's head, injecting hot jets of fighting spirit, corrupting the uncorruptable, defeating the undefeatable, kicking reason to te curb! "I NAME YOU, TENGEN TOPPA C'THULHU LAGAAN! JOIN WITH ME MACHINE SPIRIT! WE SHALL BE GOD! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

The cthulhu bot and simon merged into a human sized sort of dragony octopus faced, winged, simon thing. "WE HAVE FOUGHT THE POWAH! WE ARE THE END! FAER US! FEAR US!"

Kamina helped ichigo and rukia up apologetically "sorry, he gets like that some times". He face palmed softly, "simon! Calm down little man!"

Simon looked flaberghasted, "OH SHIT, RIGHT I'M SORRY BRO KAMINA! YOU KNOW HOW I GET WHEN I'M TAKING OVER MECHA!"

"well I cant stay mad, after all" kamina flashed grin "I taught you everything you know!"

"AW HELLS YEAH BRO!" simon said "LETS GO GET SOME BUD WEISER!"

"fool boy!" bellowed kamina "real men drink pabst blue ribbon!"

"WELL OK THEN YOU'RE THE BOSS!" said simon, tearing a rip in dimensions, into te dimension of beer. "LETS GO!"

Kamina nodded and turned to rukia and ichigo to offer one last bit of advice before he got too drunk. "Rukia, you must rock the fuck out."

Kamina vanished to the dimension of beer with simon and the rip cloed like an anus.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" wailed ichigo, his SAN still very low.

"fuckin faggot…" muttered rukia, kicking him hard in the face. He only screamed louder. In pain of body and mind. She whacked him with Kenneth. He immediately quientened. Good, she though, he stil had all hi training.

"dexer!" said rukia, "help me carry his body to the car!"

"ok" said dexer, preparing his knives.

"no dexer, nt like that" rukia hit him with Kenneth, "just grab his legs.

Together rukia and edexer hauled ichigo into hagrids motorcycle. "ok, now dexr" said rukia, "I need you to use yourself s biofuel to power this delorean" indicating th delorean stoled from doc brown which now held ichigo.

"I live to serve" said dexer, lopping off his right leg witout restraint. Blood poured onto the ground in great splatters. Dexer cut is leg up into strips and fed them into the deloreans fuel tank.

"good work dexer!" said rukia, noticing the fuel gauge under the handle brs was full.

"I am content" mumbled a now chalk white dexer, he collapsed to the ground, dead.

Rukia closed the door and hopped on, straddling the biek. She gripped the steering wheel and pressed the exelerator. The De Loreaen shot off into the sky at 100mph, leaving a trail of fire tracks. Because they didn't need roads.

It was quite inside the timestreem. Rukia decided to go back in time to kill the space jews when they were still babies. Ichigo finally fuckig woke up. "about fucking time" said saiga.

"I'm" ichigo stifled a sniffle "very, sorry"

"don't be sorry you twat!" rukia hit him again, "do you have the sport almanac?"

"yes" mumbled ichigo, handing it over. He didn't know why they needed that but he knew better than to ask.

Rukia checked a fact or figure and snortd. "I knew the vixens would lose the net ball" she snorted.

They exited the time stream and craches into Hogwarts! Holy balls! They crashed right into that ancient castle. They got out of the motorbike and walkd into the great hall. All the teachers were there.

The half ded dumblydore. Minnie the menace mcgonogle. Professor slugshorny. Mr merythought. And even harry potter! But you couldn't tell it was him underneath the flawless disguise.

In the crown of like twenty students you could see the obviously evil tomothy riddle. He was wearing black and had a goatee. Lucial sat beside him being blond and legolasy. On another tablet wer the maurauders.

Jaems, lupine, serious , peeta and severuos. They were all such great friends. Lilly was under the table giving james and serverous handjobs because they were in a happy three way relationship.

Rukia and ichigo stood there dumbfounded. What was this fuckery? How dare JK R.O.W.L.I.N.G get the facts wrong in her books! That useless bitch! Why didn't she write more and better harry potters instead of foucsing on her new crime nivel?!

The bell wrand and professor potter accosted them, he was tall and had a lignin scar on his forehead. "hail fellow time travveler!" he said polirely "it is allways good to meet more of mine kind"

"hey harry?" said ichigo, "can I be a wizard?"

"verily!" chortled harry, "thy can be the greatest wizd of all time if that is thy wish!"

"nope" said rukia, "he wont be doing that. I need the powers here, he can already shoot jitenshas out of Kenneth"

"oh rally?!" harry genially spoke " tis amoste fortuitous occurrence for you to turn on on free wizard powerse daye! Whyfoth we muste skewer you upont the fountain of magik!"

"if I get any sort of useful power out of this I am so there, never mind the skewering!" said rukia.

Harry punched her in the tits, jovially, "oh thereest be a most spunky one here, mine boy" he winked at ichigo who blanched, "but thou must walk up to the highest reches of hagrids houst and impale thyself on the solid magik powr!"

"touch me again and your going homein a body bag" said rukia. "I'm saving myself for ichigo"

Ichogo retched.

"yohohohohho" harry cried in mirth "verily verily! Head east, always east!"

Rukia ran off and ichigo thanked harry, begging for some means of self defence. Harry chortled.

Saiga found hagrids house and spied a great light bursting forth from the back. Rukia ra aroudnd and saw the magic fountain, it was beautiful. A dildo of pure magic. Rukia was going to ned both hands for this.

He ran forwards, hoping that just maybe it would give him rlity warping powers when….lo! rukia plummeted out of the sky and landed next to the magik giving false phallus. She hopped straight on, vagina first, and milked the power of powers out of it with a powerful orgasm. "This feels grate" she said in elation, feeling the power flow though her. "the space jews will stand no chance"

SPACE JEWS! Rukia had forgotten all about that. "you ahte the space jews too?" she asked, "because we could use some back up"

Rukia nodded in exyacy "just gimmie a minute here"

Ten minutes went by and rukia was getting very bored waiting for rukia to finish working that magical dildo like a pro.

"ok, I'm done now" said rukia, clambering off and flopping to the grond.

"about fucking time" muttered rukia, getting upon the magical dildo, but analy since he was a guy. The dildo was self lubing and cleaning because safety first yo guys!

A very shifty looking ichigo and a very genial looking Proffesor Harry arrived midway through the didlo use. "art thou having fun?" asked harry jovially, "thee may wante to teste out thy new powers in the forbidden forest!"

Rukia sighed and extracted the dildo of pure magic giving magic from her anus, dribbles of magic spilling our put her trouwes back on. "ok, off we go ichigo and rukia!"

Ichigo gave a start at the sight of the real rukia and kept trying to serruptitosly signel her.

Rukia led the way into te forbidden forest, past a rocking car blaring shitty MCR and then past what appeared to be the entirety of seventh year having sex.

"LOL OMFG" cried one of the hotter bitches, being pumped from behind by mucus flink.

Tomothy was there, surrounded by attractive females of all races so as not to appear evil. His penis had a goatee as well, and it kept going "MWAhahahaha!"

"oh Sandra D" crooned tomo, fondling her breats magnificently like they were made of mega puddi "I am not evil"

"J-j-j-j-jam it in!" cried sadny d and the seventeen nad very handsomely eveil tomothy maverlous riddle made sweet sweet vanilla sex to her while simultaneously fingering five other girls.

"were going to be doing that later" rukia foreshadowed to rukia and ichigo. She brokered no argument in this.

They got to a clearing full of thestrals which made for good target practice. Rukia activated her magic, felt it flow through he like an extremely defensive river. A yawning void opeed in the space between spaces. A cube of purest darkness. From this cube a thick tendril of greasy black smoke rose before shaping into a dickerfly.

The dickerfly flapped its four flat phallus wings in unison, they were brightly coloured. Its body was a dick also, its balls were compound dickeyes.

Fuck, thought rukis, this would be terrible against Nigel Thornberry the Dickspider. In fact, this wwas the shittest power ever! Why did she keep getting dicked over? Jerked around? She felt rubbed out and flaccid. This sucked.

Beside her, rukia unveiled powers of her own. The nearest thestral imploded in a shower of gore.

Fuck, decided rukia, all I get to do is summon dickerflys. She summoned a bunch of dickerflys. She frowned in hatered. Fucking dickerflys.

"a moste stupendous showe!" said harry, producing a goblet of blood, "now let me make it official!"

Grawp the morbidly obese grabbed harry around the middle and the goblet spilled around the dirt, souls crying out in terror and suddenly being silence. "GOOSH GOOSH!" whispered grawp.

To his credit harry showed no fear, "fool of a took!" he hissed, "you think I am beaten? Guess again maggot, it is _you_ who shall be skewert bypon _mine _fagpole!" he turned into yellow mist and reformed around grawps head, lifting the half giant into the air and away into the night.

"ok, moving along" said rukia, "I believe there was some guff about us killing space jews?"

"I'll tell anyone who'll listen" said erigon for the fourth time that hour "arya is so tigt I swear I am not a poofter!"

Walt sighed. Even tax management got boring to a jew after a whole week straight. And he'd alredy worn all his little jew hats. What was a jew to do?

"perhaps" said rossamund softly between sips of tea "we could torture more animals for our amusement"

"Noy you guys!" said t rex "I don't condone animal cruety!"

He was ignored.

"SIRS! SIRS!" a young slaves voice rang out as he swept into the room "WE HAVE REPORTS OF A FIRE IN TE STATION AND ALSO THERE ARE PEOPLE COMING TO KILL US!"

Walt diney sighed and force choke dthe slave "I know, I already sent rukia to deal with them" he let the gril drop to the ground.

"we have reports of ruia joining up with them sir!" the slave guttered like a candle.

Walt force squeezed her boobs "ergon! Take your fagon and check this mess out"

Eragon looked up from where he was demonstarationg to watto just how he had sexed up arya last night "yeah alright but I'm totally straight! And I have a large penis!"

Walt force choked eragons chicken. Ergon shouted and called his fagon, zoolander.

"I'm here eragon!" said zoolander the fagon, "hop up on my hydra back!"

Eragon hopped upon zoolander and they floey away into space.

"now" walt cast his gaze to the slave "we will have sex!"

And they did. Rossamund watched. And fapped.

The pair of rukias trecked through the gobi desert in search of the lost incan gold. Rukia kept on summoning dickerflys just to see them burn up in the powerful sun. rukias ice powers kept them adequately cool and waterd.

Every so often one of those dragon things from monster hunter would burst out of the sand and rukia would have to implode it. Rukia really hated today. Why did rukia get all the cool powers when she, rukia, did not? It wasn't fair.

A new dragon burst out of the sand and rukia used implosion, but nothing happened. A man appeared behind her and grabber her lower arms, rendering her helpless.

"wow I would so have sex with you because I am straight" said the man "but unfortunately I already have a girlfriend."

Rukia summoned a dickerfly into the face of the man who grinned but then looked terrified.

"get that disgusting shit outa my face!" he leapt back, letting go of rukia in the process.

Rukia turned to the fagon. Rukia used IMPLOSION! Nothing happened.

"dark type fagons are IMMUNE to ghost type attacks, BEWARE!" said Deckard cain.

Rukia, who was keeping the homophonic man at bay with more dicks, looked over ta the fagon and realised how ridiculously good looking he was.

"would either fo you two like to donate to my centre?" zoolandeer asked fagonly "the centre for kids who cant-"

He was cut off by a swark of dickerflys. Zoolander snarled in ury and opened his reptilian jaws, expelling a gout of flame shaped like blue steel bats with knees. The dickerflys crumbled to dust.

"read good and wnt to lear how to do other things good too?" finished the fagona s though he hadn't just been swarmed with dicks.

"oh I'll donate all right" said rukia, "DONATE MY FIST!" she leapt at the zoolanderish fagon and pnched it on the vajayjay! Blood spueted everywhere! As the fagon bit her in half, that is.

Rukia shrugged at rukias death, nothing of value was lost. "eragon, I am the real rukia, ou work here is done"

"really?" said Aragorn "because I cant tell which rukia is which! Its like fucking parents strap all over again"

"don't be a dick Aragorn" said eragon "the other rukia was a dude who I wouldn't suck off bacuse I am not gay!"

Aragon looked shocked! Eragon usually loved his narsil!

"well then" sayd eragon "lets go home so I can totally fingerbang arya and devour her lady come via oral sex because I love vaginas"

"I'm afraid I cannot" bleated rukia "I have to meat ichigo and recruit him to our couse"

Eragon nodded and hoped astride zoolander the fagon. They fley into the early morning mist, which swirled around them like a sultry veil of bygone times.

Rukia set off to go find ichigo, together thay would rule the galaxy.

Off somewhere else, in a pornography studio!

"oh yes" said a porn actress, probably Lindsay lohan, as she received the magnificent gift of penis in the but, "that really hits the sopt"

The shemale said nothing for heshe had no lines in the script.

Off in the corner, the director sniggered. He was going to make a ortune out of this and then later, fap over a video of Lindsay weeping as she was bukkake'd. oh how he loved his job. Black goo beagan to spread over his body as his mouth gaped wide. Soon he was covered in tar except for his head. Hands appeaed in his mouth and forced their way out. Rukia was back, baby.

"fucking fagon" she muttered. And then she spied the porn actress, snooki lohan kardashian Gillard, being bummed without vigor. That simply wouldn't do. She strode across the room, penis bobbing out in front as though leading the way through difficult times.

Rukia retrieved maggie smith from the clutched of the shemae and began to instruct said shemale, with full visual acsess, just how to rimjob someone. But before that he put on a condom with lube because safety first kids! Hew ejaculatory work done, rukia was thanked most viourusly by Helen meren and the shaemale who began to have raunchy sex with renewed vigor.

"but how did you get so good?" asked the sound and film crew, and also the make up department.

Rukia though of ichogo "practise" she said with lusty busty movements despite having zero tittage.

"Good…goood" said walt. Rukia had been killed by zoolaneder and eragon and rukia wasn't a double agent after all. He turned to his masert whos face was all in shadow.

"fool boy!" hissed the master figure guy dryly, "rukia is not yet dead. I would smell it"

Oh snap, though walt, better send someone else in to do a better job than eorgon. He force loghntinged eragon for his disobedience and told him to never do it again. He gave zoolander a glass of warm honey milk becae he was so very handsome.

"darvoss!" shouted Disney, "go kill rukia and ichigoo!"

"you would make a good dalek" said darvoss angstrily "but seriously though, who spilled coffe of my lignin hand? Te lignin I got from out inside sourse professor potter!"

"I'm sorry it was-" zoidberg was cut off.

"why is it" snarked rossamund "that I seem to be the only competent member of our little soiree? Besies our marvellous leader of course" he bowed ironically as best his nailed to a chair frame would allow.

"probably because you are all crazy racists!" said t rex, "seriously don't be that!"

"did those pylon ever get build?" crowed watto, turkey slapping chewie "because I want more of them because ei am a greedy jew"

"someone just go kill rukia already!" shouted walt, getting very frustrated at all this time wasteing. Eben his secret maset wasn't being useful.

Back on dagobah yoda was recieveing a suckjob from a sleazy hookr in a sleazy bar in a sleazy town in a sleazy country in a sleazy planet. Dagobah was pretty fuckin sleazy.

The door burst open, lettigg cold snow rush in. the bestiality obsessed barman threw a recently bummed goat at the offenders. A huge purple didlo slice it in half.

"yoda" said ichigo and rukia "we need you help"

"fuck off you will, I am not the yoda you are looking for you don't need to see my identification"

" I need to become a space wizard so I can kill my abuseive boyfriend, rukia" said ichigo.

Yoda stood up, erection of ful display. It was green. "just look at all the fucks I give" he said, farting on the prozzie.

"I see you give a lot of fucks" said ichigo seruiously. A boner of that size was sure to have given many a fuck to many a sleazy ho.

"don't be cute" baffled yoda "I can only give you my miniclloreans one way though, we must share a needle and then engage in entercourse"

"not a problem" said ichigo, holding up a syringe of heroin and dropping his trousers. He injected the needle into his neck and handed the other half to yoda who injected it into his boner.

"lets do this cowboy" said yoda, rearing up and ready to plunge.

The barman was having sex with a grizzly grizzly bear behind the counter.

Rukia was fliming everything and setting up a price to a seedy german fetish siet.

"this is the jizz you are looking for" howled yoda, pumping load anfetr load from his purple love shotgun into ichigo's reDY and dripping butt.

"yes! Yes!" drroged ichigo "finish me!"

Yoda finished in a curmudgeonly display of affection. "there" he said "you are now a space wizrd"

"you're a wizrd ichigo!" said rukia.

"ima what?" said ichigo.

They bot laughed and rode of into the sunset in yodas XYZ wind fighter.

"heres looking at you kidd" snag yoda in a curmudgeonly display of affection. He turned back to the prostitute and eyed her three breasts. "looka t it" he gestured to his penis.

The lady of the nigt looked.

"suckit!" he said.

The lady sucked it. but not before they had a seires of decontamination washes because safety first children of the audience!

Rukia crunched down another cidada shell. There were so many people in japan and no room for her to bust using her guitaraccordianflutebanjopia no. It was the most difficult instrument in the galaxy to play beside that one sentient shade of blue, and caused paroxysm of orgamso pleasure when herd.

Another fifteen year old school girl wearing an outfit fit for a low class whore bubbily walked past with her six thousand frinds who were all simmerly slutty. Rukia hate dthem because they were too young to have sex with. He wished tentacle rape on them. Of course they would get tentacle raped anyway but it wouldn't really be rape since they would enjoy it.

Rukia busted out a tasty jazz fusion lik on her instrument and chortled as everyone in te vicinity fell over nad creamed themselves. It was after her totally fucking metal solo that she hear it.

"dinsdale?"

A great rumbling, a thousand das of terror-

"im da muvafikn choz dat crwalz up ta ya wiv a sile" said a green eied slivler haired girl "and I herd ya killed be beft fuckin mate cuthulu"

Rukia sized her up, not sure if sixteen or not. "no that was simon"

"well den…" the girl said "tell him dat nyarkoz looking for em, and I will kill im"

The girl vanished into convenient space.

Ruia sighed, dissaonted she wouldn't get to have hot hot lesbian sex with a great old one. Disregarding she was a dude coslayer. Nobody gives a shit about that anyway.

"dinsdal?" the voice of a thousand terors sounded again.

Rukia decided at that monemy it was best if she goy the hell out of dodge. The gargantuan hedgehog burst over the skyoine, cruching buildings ion his wake like a black man crushes KFC bones and watermelon rinds that he has just eaten underfoot in the supermarte because thay are all idiots and filthy as evidence of their skin why couldn't they just wash more?

"father norman! FATSRE!" screech darvosse from his perch on Spiny Normans head. He was utilising his strength. Old british television. He shot lignin bolts from his now restored hand at ruia as she dodged left and or right anroudn the still orgasmic perole of Tokyo.

Ichigo sat by himself in a clearing by himself. There was no one else around, to witness his training. Logs began to levitate and twist theselves into grotesque parodies of life. They took on humanesque form and became alive, brimming with the force and the magic harry gave to him.

"sir yes sir" said the nearest treebeard ironically.

"this guy must be bark-ing mad!" said another.

"I'm stumped! At why he would want us" quipped a third.

"we'd better bough in a show of respect" said the fourth "he is the 'root' of our lifes after all"

"they are pretty good" said hawke, sauntering up to ichigo and standing far enough away so asnot to set off his fears of rukia.

Ichigo grinned at her, "and the best part is" he snapped his fingers, "art, in an explosion!"

The treebeards erupted withal the force of a horses leg. Steamed sap sprayed everywhere, scalding the flesh from anything near. Flames licked the grasses and trees, setting them alght and wooden shrapnel shredded all things.

Ichigo let his barriers around them both down as the violence subsisded. He smiled sickly, rukia would die, he was sure of it.

Hawke gave him a thumbs up, "fabulous, but lets combine them with my blood magik!". Kawke was a dual classed warrior/blood mage.

Ichigo nodded and resumed his meditation. Seconds of concentaion ensued and the surrounding branches and clay rose up and mingles with the fine stram of blood leaking from hawkes wrist. The ingrediants met in mid air and coagulate together into a nature themed flesh golem who could almost be human if not for his rough skin and solid balck eyes.

"Ia! You have risen me yet again mr ichigo, but in what form is this? Ah! Real flesh is my make up! Such a gift I would pay for with my life" the golem knelt and offered fealty.

"rise, sir Cornish! I name you my valet, and do not fear, your payment shall be your sevice on our quest. We must stop the space jew assassination and kill siaga the abusor!" ichigo proudly stated, "and after that, space hitler must be destroyed! But we will need an army… something which I do not have enough trainging to summon" he bit off bitterly.

The golem looked into his eyes "you have my strength"

"and my power" said hawke.

"and my axe!" said gimli!

Ichigo's nearly cried with happiness, for the fist time in years he had companions who wouldn't molest him. Not like both rukias. "you all have my undying thanks and servitude, when we free the universe from the nazi corruption, we shall be advisors to the next leaders so they don't go mad with power like the space jeas and hitler!" he thrust his fist into the air.

The ensemble cheered. Hawke offered her hand boldly, hoping the mood was enough for ichigo to touch someone again. Ichigo blushed and shook her hand quickly. Hawke chose the flirt dialogue option, "you know ichigo, what your doing is really admirable…enough to make me, like you" she too blushed in turn, but not on her face.

"and my axe!" shouted gimli!

Rukia barely avoidd being stepped on by spiny norman. Seriously that guy had to be bigger than Godzilla! Fortunately davros could aim very will with his hand and wasn't mobile, but he could direct normans otherwise berserker rampages.

"DINSDALE!" howled norman in a rage as fancy ponces in colouered outfits attaked his toes with poorly choreographed moves. He kicked them aside.

It was at times like these that rukia really wished she had any sort of power at all even if it was the power of having a nigger dick so she could use it as a maace to club darvose! Then she remembered about kamina and how he would save her from dying. In a desperate last move she flung herself towards noeman and skewered herself on a spike.

That wasn't supposed to happen, rukia fumed as she lay bleeding on the pavement. Above her davross was shouting for norman to smuher her. His giants foot descended bit then SS3 HITLER! Appered! Hitler used sawasticka shuriken! It was super effective on normans eyes na d darvroses lignin hand,

"allright puissant" seethed hitler "why cant you be good at your job like freezer! He kills entire plantes by himself and you cant even kill the space jew council! Merde! Tu le monde with you! I cast you ot in the name of the Aryan moon!" rukia was shot off into space with hitlers words ringing in her ears "this is your last chance!"

Hitler charged up his ki and delivered the final blow, annilationing all of japan. Luckily Lelouche had a back up plan.

Rukia hurtled through space, stars burning like fire in the distance, the cold vacuum haranguing her testicles with harsh words. She fley for thirty year, before crashing ded on with Nigger Moon X.

Contrary to it's name nigger Moon x was not home to any persons of an African or aboriginal descent, but it was home to the dead poets society.

A few monks in big black robes tied her uo in complex bondage knots and erotically dragged her before the council of writing staff.

The writing staff lay all dead, ripped apart as though by some terrifying beast. A single remained at the head of te table, it was….R..O.W.L.I.N.G! her breathing haggard as she choked on her own entrails, her face carring the maddened, feverish look of someone being forced fed their own entrails. "there…" she choked out, "there is a force of good in this land" a gasping wheeze. "a paragon of light you must destroy… he is…."

Rukia eyes narrowed, "Thornberry…"

R.O.W.L.I.N.G nodded, sweat gliding off her waxy face "thornberry" she agreed, "he must be soaped, must be…stopped!" her breathing slowed and eventually ceased.

Rukia gave a momants silence for the dead poet before putting on her aviators. Shit was about to get real. She strode outside with a fiery purpose and bellowed to te magama skies, "Diiiickspiiiiider Thoooornbeeerrrrry!"!

A beast of a thing, towering, changing. A trick of the light, an abstract thing of unbelievable angles. She looked away but she could still see it, in her mind. It had burned its way through. It was an idea, or the hint of an idea, or the memory of something she'd never known, or the shadow of all of those things, their inverted reflection, on a still lake at night.

It couldn't be real. It had no substance. It had no weight. It had mass, but behind the mass was no depth. How could it be real? It made no sense. It couldn't be real and it made no sense. An impossibility made manifest, the formless given form, and it stalked across the landscape accompanied not by thunderous footfalls, but by the whisper of a thousand dead languages and the muted cry of carrion birds

Nigel Thornberry the Dickspider, he was here.

The space jews were shaken. Rukia had died at his hands. And rukia was still at large, as was her accomplice. Half of their menbers had been slain by nigels dickspider. And all thir Swedish bank accounts were in disarray.

Walt nursed a bleeding head wound and a cup of the hottest chocolate his jew-tounge could manage. They had eaten zoidberg within the first five minutes, an nothing of value was lost. Dinosaur comics had walked out but were assassinated by his master. Rossumund was getting delirious from bloodloss. Watto had finally succumbed to AIDS, wookie AIDS. Chewbacca was still alive and well, gimp mask shed in favour of a sombrero, he was more jew than watto could ever hope to e.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" said chewie mildly, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"somebody" rossumund said with icy deadliness "get me a transfusion pack, now. Or let me feast o yor marrow"

Te darkened master sat on his skull throne, its flanges dripping blood on the shag. "deploy: agent 'unicron'" he said fiannly, his fingers steepled under his shadowed out face.

A contingent of two cave trolls hauled the enraged beast out of its cell, the horror was clad in finste mithril plate, hooves shod in an alloy harder than iron mans crotchplate. Four arms dproted from its back. The beast lifted its trunk and issued a sound not unlike innocnets damned souls faintly screaming from the jew-pits. This was the Six Legged Rape Elephant. Six legs, four arms, all rapist.

"tell me walter" crooned the shadowed master "can he stand u to the dickspider?"

Walt knew his boss knew he knew the answer, which his boss also knew. If there was any force in the world capapble if going toe to toe with the dickspider, it was a beast with an equal dickery status.

Unbeknownst to them, it couldn' Thornberry had been busy.

The master man made a move to tell the trolls to release the rape elephant. It thrashed in ist new freedom, raping the trolls so fast and loose they wouldn't realise until the next day.

"find the dickspider" said the man of shadowy times "and kill him in mortal kombat"

The six legged rape olephont raised its truk in salute, bellowing the soun of cleavers working of childrens supple kneecaps for all to hear. The elephant was a skilled mimic. The beast spun towards the door and took of, leaving a trail of rainboes and winking golden motes in ts wake.

"but master" protested walt "what if it is not strong-e-nough, do we have abackup?"

The shadowed faced man only deemed to spout an glacial chuckle "I shall be the backup of course" He leant forwards for the first time, exposing his face. it was jesus, "let he who is with-out sin, kick the first arse"

Jesus's laughs reaced defening levels, the echoed hysterically around the munich beer hall. The beer hal inside the death star.

Hawke, ichigo and the golem trekked purposefully through te grave yard, searching for mihawkes grave. This all came about when hakwe queried ichigo about why he still had Kenneth. Ichigo dodnt know so he sit it on fire in a very symbolic way. He needed a knew sword.

The golem, linked as it was to them both through the magiks of life, smiled serenely as they gave each other tey another furtive glace before blushing and looking away. Rinse lather, repeat. They were so kawaii desu ne.

Gimli was drunk again though. He driopped his trousers and began having sex with a escort he'd brought along for the ride. "you rother mouth is as hairy as both a lady dwarves!" he rambunctiously droveled.

"yeah whatever" said billie piper, "can you introduce me to legolas now? You did promise"

"I promised naught but a threesome with logelase" insisted gimli, "and I call tails!" he laughed grourgeously.

They all laughed as gimli gave her a nasty pirate and walked on, stopping at mihawks grave. The golem Cornish dug it up with his powerful hands. The coffin was bound in chains, whaich hwere torn off. The lid craked open and skeleton mihawk sat up an cracked his neck.

"_guten tag_!" he said!

"BLARGARG" said nigel, his voice a river of purest gold, cutting off all evil thoughts in an instant.

"how?" whispered rukia. How could this be? She was going to fail aginst this holy being. It was athing from whatever force of absolute good reigned supreme, unnoticed, over all. This dickspider was incorruptible, it was pure, it was invincible. She could not stop it. SS3 hitler could not stop it

The force of his gilt aura smahed her into the ground like abattering ram, again and again. Everything went white and clear again. Then dickpsider took another step forwards. Rivers of pure molten energy, gleaming silver, poured from his eyes, enveloping rukia nd erasing her existence into dust.

His dread work done, nigel let ot a thunderous blargarg and set his sights of the rape elephant that was to be here within the hour, which was enough time to take tea and read a little more of his novel.

Ichig drew his samurai sword in a smooth movement and went to cleave mihawks grinning skull in twain, but the agile skelington drew his own famed black blade and blocked the strike with a clang.

"guten Tag feinen Damen und Herren, Damen und Herren natürlich, du hast mein Grab gestört, sind Sie für den Raum Jude Rates. Ich fürchte, Sie werden sterben müssen" said mihawk. He thrust his long black sword at ichigo's face.

Hawke leapt in and took the stab through the hand, her blood began to flow freely and a daemon of the warp shredded mihawks skeleton to dust. Hawke was wary still, that had been too easy. And sure enough, the dust began to rise, fit together like a horrifying jigsaw puzzle.

All five of them, hawkw, ichigo, Cornish, billie and gimli began attacking the dusty skeleton as it was half formed. It tried to stand up but a sword strike from ichigo felled its legs. An axe chop from gimli severed its ribcage. A stab from hawke captured its skull. Billie piler swept the dusty remains into a super large, super strength condom she had been saving. She double layered it, the bagdom struggled and writhed but to no avail. Mihawk was traped.

"now your sword is belong to me!" said ichigo darkly, snatching up the long sword. The instant his hand closed aroung the hilt, dark energies erupted and invaded his body. Fluid leaking from his ears as he chanted bizzare nonsense words.

"you ok bro" asked gimli, eating billie pier out.

"yeah?" hawke put in her suggestion, "because that looked kinda bad, and evil, your not possessed now are you?"

"I sense a disturbance in the force" said Cornish solemly. Hed always wanted to say that.

Ichigo turned around, his face now bone white and very similar to a mask. His sclera were black and his colour bits yellow. "SKEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he shreieked at a high pitch. "SKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE!"

Rukia stood aloe in a feils od dreams. He ink blakness swirling around like a fuckmothering deathsroud, a dementor o wet dreams. She could almost feel thrie clammy hands groping her chest and arse! Holy shit, something was gropinghercheastandarse! She turned around in a state of right and saw it was only ichigo! And rukisa! They were back!

Ichogo eld her chin gently and smooch timesed her while rukia gave the side of her neck a long powerful lick. The colour palette swirled delightfully, depositing rukia beind ichigo, bumming him powerfully! Powerfully! While he performed orl sex on rukia.

When rukia extracted her penis from ichigos anus she discovered that the head was rukias face. Rukia shie away in terror, trying to run but crashing into a towerin wall of flesh. That wall of fesh turned out to be ichigos vagina, her rukia dick swelling to meet its gargantuan size ruka began thrusying with wild abamndon! And then rukia turned up behind her and started bumming her with her penis! Futanari! Yelled rukia! Dicks were morpging into amorphous blobs ams growing everywhere! A thousand vaginas a minute! The imperial dickfleet rose over the horizon to meet the new foe! Rukia commanded their flagsip! Ichio's disembodied anus appeared in te sky. Full speed ahead! Shouted rukia, their speedy craft reaching supersonic, it penetrated the sky-anus and flew down a long dark tunnel. Their ship burst out of a blooming flowr and through the tines of an immense flaminf V.

If she was killed here by dickspider, though rukia, she would be able to have her dream threesome! This was an outrage! An outrage!

Through sheer, unadulterated force of will, rukia forced herself back onto this physical plane. In the distance, dickspider and rapeelephant were engaged in a furious gentelamns battle.

Dickspider would fire a balst of some unkown arcane substance, the very same that reduced her to dust, and the rape elephant would dodge and attempt a submission lock. But dickspiders angular shaft was not a weapon to be ignored. It was as flexable as it was deadly and it spewed frth that poisonour fire of nuclear proportions. The rape elephant was fast and stong but it ws clear that dickspider had the upper hand.

The rapacious elephant feigned left and headed up but dickspider knew his game. He exhuded a truly enormous ust of silver motes that stuck to the elephant, weighing himdown, bringing him crashing to the floor in tinkle of mithril.

"BLARGHARG" said dickspider firly yet with a hist f most wretched sorrow, he strode upon his stuggling enemy and bit deep into his neck.

The six legged rape elephant tried to shove dickspider off, but his arms were too week. His enormous raper dick flailed but to no avail against nigels carapace. His lifeblood flowed freely into the earth of nigger moon x.

Nigel let out a soulful croon, hiw work done but not forgotten, never forgotten.

Rukia glared in dumbfounded angry horror! Molten flames poured rom her crotch, covering her completely in a flickering golden veil! "DICK SPI DER!" her challenge rang across the vale clear as big bens bell. She charged with perfect fashm step, ripping one of nigels legs off.

"BLARGHARG!" dishevelled nigel dickspider, stunplige and recovering enough to fire powerful beams at her.

Rukia set the titan leg of spider ablaze and batted the beam back like a tennis ball. It explodd in mid air, which covered her leap. She swung and decapitated nigel with his own leg.

The Dickspider, was no more.

Rukia stood proudly atop his mighty corpse. She thrust the still alight leg through his carapace, and sneered. Foolish little dickspider, you cant beat me, your not strog enough, your hates not strong enough, she tought cruley.

And then another though occurred to her, her kurosaki-kun was still out there in the arms of another hussy! He was the prize she was afater, and she would have him.

Rukia leapt into the sky, leaving nigger moon x behing to burn, and followe the scent trail of ichigo.

"_SKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"_ hissed ichigo again, swinging his sword In rapid ferver, aiming fro his former companions.

"and my axe!" hello'd gimli, detatching himself from the prozzie and blocking ichigo with his axe. "why lad, have ye taked leave o' ye senses?"

"theres no point gimli" cried Hawke and Cornish in unison.

"he is descened into the depths of madness" said Cornish solemnly, punching ichigo in th efface but causeing no damage "his soul is I the grip of diablo"

"the only way we can save him now" hawke finished his sentence "is to beat him half to death!" she leapt in, sword fashing silver in the light, being stopped short of ichgo's elbow by that balck blade.

He kicked her over and pluged his blade deep into the torso of Cornish, who, in a display of his promised power, lunged forward and wrapped his big meaty hands around ichigos neck.

The bones cracked in atht neck and ichigo slumped over.

"holy shit, I think you killed im" said billie piper.

Cornsh just shook his head, lookig wery. "no, he is merely stopped for the moment, someone bind him"

Gimli rushed forwarda, binding a rope out of his own beard! His won beard! He had just started to tie ichigo up when the boy sparn to his feet and decapitate the dwarf in one blow. He then leapt to hawke who matched his frist strike but was felled by a stab to the keneys.

Kawhe used the blood to summed a demon of the fade to nock ichigo out but it merely caused a portal to oped out of nowhere and for ruki to come hurtling through, wreathed in crotch fire.

Rukias face was twisted in a rictus of hate and rage, "so ichigo" she said softly, in a deadly voice "is this where you grow a spine and lash back? Because I really hope that's what this is"

Ichigo appeared behind her and chopped at her neck, but his sord was blocked by a flaming fist of firey fury! He swung again and again and angain but all strikes were seless against her firey aura. And her fire was powered by lust for ichgo so it would never die! Never die!

Billie pier strode up, bold and confident "now see here sir! You've just killed my legolas ricket so I demand you offer an alternative!"

Rukia glared at her with alook so fierce it bagan to tan her before realising what she just said, her eyes lit up at the mention of orlandigo bloomers "take this portkey, it will help you in your quest" she tossed a large hubcap from a hummer ferarri f374 at billie and she caught it and disappeared.

"now, ichigo~" rukia sang, tearing open a hole in time and spae which deposited Kenneth into her hands. He causght on fire, "you remember Kenny right?"

Ichgo flew onto a beserker rage.

Rukia struck him once, quite firmly with Kenneth, and he lost all will to live. His mask meted awy, he dropped mihawks sword ad wept. "good boy" she admonished "now lets go kill space jews!"

Rukias crotch expelled a beam of molten slag that formed into a motorcycle, onto wich she dragged ichigo, who was beginning to wake up.

"so it was all a dream.." he muttered before catching sight of a gasping, thouroughly fuked u hawke, and promptly vomited in distress.

"celan that sick up" rukia demanded, stabbing him with kennet. "and weve got six hour to kill, so" she put on her sunnies "its time to duel so come and get yor gamee on becau eim kicking this turbo duel into overdrive EXTREME!"

It was an Eskimoean standoff.

Rukia, ichigo and jesus. Walter lay dead at their feet, eragon and zoolander an mere paste of the battlefield. Chewwiebacker vomited the last vestiges out life from a gaing wound in his neck.

"so you think you can defeat me, my father and the holy ghost?" snarked jesus, giving themhis middle finger.

"you know" said saiga " a week ago I would have said no, bacuse I had no powers but you know what? I found out what drives me. Its not fear, money, power or love. It is lust! Lust is what drives me and it is not a zero sum resource! I have infinite quantities and it will not die! It is tied directly to my life! To kill me you must stop me lusting for ichigo nad rukia! And I will never! Ever! I mean never! Lose that boner!"

"rukias dead" said jeuss smugley.

"oh… im into 'that'" rukia told him.

"whatever that is" muttered jesus "but I simply must protest" his voice dropped dangerous low "and ask you one thing. Can you handle the power of Yahweh's holy righteous cock?"

Ruia felt herself swelling, protuberences bulging everywhere. She wa being turned into an erect dong! "oh I can handle all the dicks you can throw in me! And then a thousand more!"

"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!" shrieked jesus, creating amini gun that shot juicy cocks at a rate of 10000 cps.

The sky darkened under the flock of flying wangs. Rukia smiled and thrust out her palm. A wave of groinfire burst forth and incinerated the cockswarm. Using the falling ash as cover, ichigo leapt into battle, Kenneth still wreathed in the fire of rukias aroused dangly parts.

He slashed at jesus with the dildo, but was met with a golden saber of gods righteous penis. Fire and glided sparks flew, melding together into a substance that burned the very earth upon which theyr stood. Lava began to erupt In great gouts.

"I wouldn't have believed this of you ichigo" shouted jesus "My own son!"

"I'm not your son anymore" said ichigo "I'm a man!"

"what is a man?" jesus rebuttled "a miserable pile of secrets!"

"our secrets make us what we are"

"your sectrets make you weak!"

"my secrets make" ichigo put on his sunglasses "your mom weak!"

"oh sick burn" jesus scoffed "I don't even have a mom"

"so your dads a hermaphrodite?"

"no" jejsus facefalmed "that's just a metawhore"

"your face is a metaphoe!"

"I know that" said jesus "a metaphoe for how much dick you suck!"

Ichgio was taken aback, jesus face, now that he looked properly was indeed a metaphoe for such a thing. He was indeed a worthy fore." How much dick your dad sucks, more like" he quipped back.

"my dad is also just a metaphoer, there is no god but me! There is no holy ghost but me! There is no jesus, but me!" ligniting flashed ominously and a beam of prares jettisoned from jesuss nostrils, drilling a hole through ichigos dildo arm.

"nooo!" shouted rukia! Only she was allowed to stab ichigo! She leapt at jesus and turkey slapped him with her mighty penis of fire!

Jesus recoiled like hed been stung, but he had been. Rukias dick removed its elf from her body and became a dickbee! But not just a dickbee,a dickwasp! Made up of a hundered smaller dickwasps! All bearing the swasticka od peace and justie, nazi justice, upont thine stings!

But jesus had a dickattack of his own. He ripped his bloody enormous peins free of its conines, filling the area with ablindig luminesance. It tore itself to pieces and becae a hundred thousand motes of dicklight, all hungry for flesh. The dickmoted drilled through the air t rukia nd began to bore through her flesh, heedless of her lusty busty flames.

It was peinis. Rukia lost the will tolive and believe. But then again, she didn't have to belive in herself. She summoned up her remaining wil and believed in the kamina who believed in her!

Theme music played and rukia stood up, exhuding dickmotes like a fat kid exudes sweat. "this worls cannot have evil such as yours, jesus! These fists of mine burn with an awesome power! Their dickfire tells be to defeat you! Take this! My hate! My anger! And all my LUST! GIGA DICK BREAKER!"

The fire of rukias lust burned brighter still, becoming solid and drill shaped around her fist. It supn at speeds that would destroy the earth! "YEEEAAAAAAARRRHHG!" shouted rukia wildly as she plugned the burning drill of fire into Jesus's cock.

Holy righteous blood and guts went everywhere.

"ichigo!" cried rukia, falling to her knees beside him and applying emergency medical powers to his punctured forearm, mainly just cauterising it.

"I'm fine" he said without preamble "its all gonna be ok"

"yes!" shouted space hitler, striding yup to them with a grin on his face "I knew you would kill ze spayce Jews. Come with me back to speers glorious germaina! We shall feats of daleks! Join me n victory!"

"actually SS3 Hitler" grinned rukia "I think we'll stay here a while"

Hitler shrugged and instant transmissioned away.

The real rukia sat down next to ichigo "well done guys" she wept in happy times.

Saiga smiled at rukia nd ichigo. His plans were complete. "you two" he commanded "_strip."_

Ichigo na druia shed their clotes in an ibstant, revealing ichigos huge throbbing elder wand and rukias sopping wettie.

Rukia reveled her own fuckstick and decided on the position. It wuld be him the rukia then ichigo to start with. He went up behind rukia nd plunded his gigglestick into her fuckbunker with agutteral grunt.

"oh, yes" mumbled rukia, engulfing ichigo's faceless one in her facepussy.

Ichigo grimaced as rukias headlabia surrounded his strawberrywankinstrument, but sought strength from the fact that hawke was still alive and that he coud visit er in the hispital.

Rukia thrusted relentlessly into rukias slimyhole with her spaceprobe for approx. 47 secons before he cummed with all the force of a horses leg, his boner'ahoy wilting like soggy cooked cabbage.

Saiga spent the next 45 to 60 minutes watching jelusly at ichigo and rukia, but he was conforted with the knowledge, that they would be doing this all the time forever, and he would have more chances to jon in.

Deep in the pits of Moria, where the Dwarves had dug too greedily and too deep, Jacule stirred, a singular yellow eye opened.


	2. Boners Ahoy

Llamas in hats,foreskins of a thousand jews. Bryan ferry ruler of the orest.

A bitter, chill wind howled through the night sky, the sixteen faceless moons hidden beneath a thick layer of grey storm cloud that pissed down rain droplets like piss. Clearly this was London town. More specifically the eastern quart, narrowed down to Bethnal green wherein resided sir Cockwell of Dongton abbey. The window panes rattled udder this fierce assult, but this did dot disseude the inhabitants from their meeting.

A large table sat in the middle of te room, saiga on one end, dressed in his regular clotehs, sir cockwell on the other immpecably attired in a fine blue suit. Both were seemingly having a conversation that consisted entirely of eyebrow movement, eyebrow whipping back and forth. Theu whipped their eyebros back and forth they whipped their eyebrows back and forth!

Saiga grunted and blinked like a micheal j foxx as across the table cockwells eyebrows became a buzzsaw of smug amusement. Huffing like a bitch, saiga got out his hacked psp and loaded up his pokemon nuzlocke;the sexy saiga stripping show, and began to play. He managed to get through four chapters before cockell spoke in deep, throbbing tones.

"it is on this most auspicious of days I call you ere saiga" throbbed cockwell like the boigiouse he was "I heard of you via mengle, he said you did good work"

"I enjoyed none of it sir" said saiga silkily, "it would be bad PR". Well except for making a meat dragon out of orphans, that was some pretty fun shit.

"ah but nonetheless you were skilled, and it is those skills that I need rom you" cockwell stroked his fine mustache like a sir.

"so its true, what they were saying on the train." saiga ejaculated. "howard potter has come to Hogwarts"

"if he has it is o no consequence to me" said cockwell, his voce stroking saigas face "he is not the man I need taken care of"

"name my target" saiga narrowed his eye sand tried to be cool like clint eastwod but it was difficult for him to be any kind of cool.

"You know of Sinister Duke Murderfist?" qweried cockwell "the most sinister man in the sinister land?"

Saiga nodded onece or twice "they say he practices the blackest of necromancy, that his undead servants if given the chance would not tip the barristas; they assay the only way to hook him, is to use a childs toe" he puffed on his piep and stowed away his fake beard.

"I want you to rape duke murdrfister to death, ( •_•) ( •_•) ರೃ (ರೃ_•)"

So saiga and cockwell, they ooked at each other, and saiga said! "ok." And so he played the frst song that came to his head, it just so happened to be! The best sond in the world! It's the best sone in the world! JITENSHA! JITENSHA!~

"is there any specific…way, you want this to happen?" said saiga "I can paint the walls ith avisceral spray of brain matter that then goes off to claim more victim for its own dark purposes"

"I want him to hold his anus's in his hand" stted cockwall "and I want him to know that ony four of those are his"

Even saiga had to admit, that was some pretty fucked shit. He wasn't even sure how he could fuck at east five sphincters out of a guy, but, justice would find a way. Perhaps he should consult han slol, so he would know when to shoot first.

"we need to talk… expenses" said saiga.

"fourt five euros, and this flute" replied cocwell produing a extravget flute, one as you might get for free at christmans times. The flute was extrageantly detailed in electric blue enamel which was carved into a thousand sinuous dicks, etwined in a multitude of intricate dances, a individual look of relicious delight layed upon eac of their faces in precious body of the flute was argyley patterened in crimson and noir, to offset the brightness of the blue wangers.

"where did you get that?" asked saiga in a voice like johnny depp, his face flashed handsomely.

"this one time" smirked cockwell "at band camp, I found a djin using this flute as a dildo. So I gathered up all the persons and instruments and immolated them all in a dread ritual. The fesh sloughed off their boddies and mixed with the melted metal, turning into an orb which condensed to a hundredth of its original size. And out came the flute . All their souls are bound to the djins magic which resides inside the flute"

The candles flickered eerily.

"oh" said saiga "for a second there I thought it was the flute of triumph, crafted from a an angels dong"

"haha no" said cockwell "I'd never own somethig that tacky"

"your paisley shag rug says otherwise" inslugted saiga cruelly, turning nhis nose up as shagwell "as does your maroon caudroy wallpaper.

"hey!" cockwell raised his voice "those were rare and expensice ussr masterworks! I will not be insulted in my own house!"

"Why?" said saiga in return, a bit louder in aggression times "do you have somewhere special you go for that?

"its called ya mums house ya dumb cunt!" shouted cockwell "we do kinky s&m shit!"

"shut yer dumb cunt up ya cunt!" shouted saiga, but not moving from his seat "or I'll go fuck your mum!"

"my mums the queen, dickwad!" smugged cock "she has people to get fucked for her!"

"then I guess I have a long day a head of me" said saiga, "and I'll be think of her all along, even when im actually uckin her, that's how much I hate you. Cuntburger."

A vein explodded in cockwells forhead "come at me bro!" he shuted sprouting afake tan and whatever that shit is when you get silicone injected int your lips "I'LL TEAR YER COCK OFF AND SHOE IT UP YER CUNT!"

"I'LL TEAR YER CUNT OFF AND BASH YER CROSS THE JAW WITH IT!" saiga returned with vigor, spittke flying from his mouth in rage!

"CMON THEN!" shouted cockwell!

They both bellowed at the same time, purple in the face from rages "SQUARE GO LIKE!"

A frission of tension passed between the two before expressions of impressed smugness came upon their faces. "freakin solid" they said to ech other, comreades in arms, and fist bumped as cockwell became a dapper gentleman once mre, shedding his guido fac ont a passing srvnt.

"well then" said saiga bracingly, standing up and doing up his fly wgich had come down. Cockwell followd suit. "itll take a week, yeah?" he strode to the door, "come on ichigo"

Ichigo crawled out from under the table, as did cocwells attractive mexicas chef, sniorita vasques. "right sir," he mutteded, shifting Kenneth to a more comfortable position, and wiped his mouth.

Saiga strde out the door "lets go!" and the picture went kind of washed out and blurred around the edges and the camera panned out and up away from cockwells mansion to show all of grimdark London as te theme music played its jaunty tuene!

**Maximum! Paradise! Driver!**

_~ get cha game on! Get ya game on! Get ya game on coz ya gotta play ya cards right!~_

_The scene showed Saiga and ichigo frolicking and running happily, or perhaps in just the semnlance of happiness for the latter, around the cobblestone streets of old London town. As they ran, several other characters such as rukia, lady hawke, Orochimaru, jesus and a mystery character shouded In light unwrappable, appeared and high fived them respectively._

_~chillin' out with the crew in the booze yard! Fuckin bitches and never trying too hard!~_

_Saiga and ichigo were mugging a passing elderly couple with a rusty pipe and Kenneth, smoking cigars and drinking mother. They stole the elderly couples money and broke the wifes kneecaps so they wouldn't tell. Then they ran back to their club house that was under a sweage treatment plany._

_~sing the song that ends the world, dammit they never taught us this! Everyones dead and we don't have enough toast to hit this~_

_A post apocalypitic world splayed across London, leather strewn punks controlled the toast trade, and therefore controlled the London. Saiga nd ichigo had to join the velvert underground resistance just to survive because the leader of the monarchy, the TOAST KING did not like them. The TOAST KING lived on te moon._

_~dreamin! Don't give it up saiga! Dreamin! Don't give it up ichigo! Greamin! Don't gve it up TOAST KING! Dreamin! Don't give give it up give it up give it yo!~_

_There's just avery long scene of ichigo and saiga making out here. A childs voive cries in the bckrgond and avant garde shit happened._

_~you are my fiend! Aaa! Do you remember when? Bakamo, kirikano ha daicho! You are my dream! Aaa! Babushka Manfred Hoe! Oh shining day! Go the distance!~_

_Saiag sat at the pub drinking scooners of piss with a suit wering skeleton whislt ichigo and the skeetons teenage girl apprecntice or whatever sat on the sticky floor, because they awerent allowed people things!_

_~the closer you are to bumsex! The tougher it is to see it! And I'll never take it for granted, so lets go!~_

Maximum Paradise Driver chaptersode 2: Boners Ahoy!

The pram clattered noisily down te bitchuman street of privet drive on the cold, grey Tuesday morning our story starts. The birds were signing, sultry bird songs of big bird. The overcat sky was being dull and lustreless, and ichigo was dying to sink his teeth into something! Get it? Coz hes a vampire! Hahahahahaha!

Ichigo pused the pram sullenly, his orange emo finge hiding his velveteen tears from the world as they wormed wigglt tracks through his mascara eyeliner eyeshadow. His eye make up was purple. Metallic purple. Just like saiga liked it. In fact, he was looking very visual kei at the moment, as saiga did like the tight leather trousers too. A single tear fell from his cheek and plopped daintily onto the prams covering.

"waah! Waah! Babay saiga wants milk! Fetch me a nipple!"

Ichigo sighed. 'babay saiga' was not a baby. He was full grown saiga. In a pram. Ichigo sighed in disgust, stokhilm syndrome related disgust. He thought of hawke.

"gorramit ichigo!" saig saiga "fetch me that nipple!"

"does it have to be mine?" saked ichigo, already resigning himself?

"probably! Ho da fuq shud I knoe?" wailed saiga.

Ichigo looked around the street, it was empty. He vomited despair from his ears and reaced under his shirt, ripping off his left nipple with a sound like 24 hour party people. He gave it to saiga who blew it up like a balloon to make a full iszed ladys breasy that lactated delicious lager. Saiga guzzled it down like a baby. A hungry andgry babay. He threw the drained breats out the side of the pram and it plopped limply onto the sidewalk. A fat midget of a vespa rodeover it.

After all, the nipple was humans naturl enemy, such were wthe wise words of lester corncrake: A long long time ago, before the nipple was our natural enemy.

Ichigo walked ast number three and headed towards the nondescript number 4 privet drive, and up to the door.

"lets go in" saiged saiga and they both walked in.

Voices could be head unp ahead. Something about coffe and bacon.

They entered the lounge room and beheld the sight before them. A large number of bronzed, callused, handsone nude illegal immagrants stodd is rows, unclothed but for a bowtie. A fat man with hardly any neck and a bushy moustache sat at the table, his skinny long necked wife there too, both smiling happily as it was thire sons birthday.

"how many are there?" askd the large blond son meanly.

"thirty seix, counted them myself" replied the dad very satidfied with himself.

"thirty six?" the sons voice was deadly cold and calm. "but last year, last year I had thirty seven!"

"well some of the are quite a bit bigger than last year!" said the dad, defending himself, and gesturing to the naked slaves flaccid wangers.

"I don't care how big they are" said the son with a finality tht promised detah.

Saiga and ichigo were finally noctied. "who th devil are you?" bellowed uncle Vernon!

"I'm saiga!" said ichogo

And I'm Ichigo" said Saiga!

They both burst into peals of laughter. "it's the other way round really!" they said in unison.

"oh funny men" said aunt petunia.

Dudlye threw his breakfast of self used condoms to the floor "pay attention to me!"

Both prents did immediately.

"good" said dudders "now why the hell are you in my house?"

"Oh, that" said saiga, "We're here to kidnap harry actually, and use him to ply a vicious sociopath to work with us"

Harry entered the room at that moment, carrying a large box labelled 'toys'. It was humming. " made all your stuffs clean again so you wont hit me and what not aye? God save the queen!"

It was difficult to believe this would maybe or maybe not become professor harry potter of the lignin scar.

"get back into your crawl space before I use jumbotron on you agani' said Vernon waving his bocon about threateningly.

"right u are unk, say no more say no more" said harry, who was glad he didn't have to catch mice for supper again. He went tio go chain himself daown, so as to save petunia the trouble.

Harry left.

"yeah, yo can probs just take him" said Vernon, "we have a thousand other fuckslaves, what diofference id a small oprphan boy with secret magic powers?"

"yo said it out loud again" said dudders and petunia, thouroughly sick of vernons lack of secret ability keepings.

"whoopsie~" said Vernon/.

"may I have a moment of your time?" a glacial voice asked ina non asking tone from the window he was perched in like a ninja.

They all turned to see a handsome boy of seventeen or so, his suit impeccable and atiitude imperturbable.

This was the Thomas Riddle Saiga was looking for.

"what is it sexy legs?" aaid petunia smarmily, wanting to fuck the boy already.

Tom silently cast the bitchucus pleasicus spell wandlessly, and petunia was silent. "I'm here for harry potter, and I wont take no for an answer."

Saiga stepped forward, "yes you see theyr is some trouble with that, I own him now"

Tom vomited steam and glared at saiga with cold dead eyes.

"yes" continued sauga "nasty business, what do you want him for?"

"he will die by my hand, insolent braggard, or so will you" steam wafted still.

"you may inded kill him, tommermort, on one condition"

Tom riddle hissed more stem "call me that again knave, and there will be no need for me to deal"

Saiga rolled his eyes, "you have to join me for a arseassination job". He laughed at his funny play on words. "zehahahahahaha!"

The steam vomit lessened "very well" said tom, "death for a detth and the oth will be repayed to that slippery gypsey!" tom cursed the slippery gypsy.

"slippery gypsy?!" guffawed saiga, "more like a bloddy mexicunt!"

There was a preganat pause.

"he's down the hall in the cupboard space or something" said Vernon, waxing his moustace handsomely.

Tom nodded gravelt, and stalked out of the room leaking boiling steam from his mouth.

Saiga nodded thoughtfully, eyeing the fuckslaves, "make us a bit more brekky ichigo; French toast if ye please" he sat down at the breakfast table with the dursley family. They all got along famously.

"that is totes wix!" trilled young harries voice followed by the high pitched exhalation of steam. There was a sickening crunch. The wet tearing sound, that cracked and crunched and splorched rhythmically to the sound of young harrys mounting arse screams.

Ichigo severed French toast, his face stoic to the sounds of eveil.

Vernon sipped his tea dantily, a small happy smile on huis face. Petunia nodded in time to the beat, eyes closed in day drem times. Dudely had syepped outside to make a call to his crack salesman demanding his money or the guys knees.

The whistle hiss of steam ceased, and the crawl space door clanged. Heavy, slow footsteps clumped along the hall and tom poked his body around the door farema. His crisp white shirt was soaked in the same pink watery fluid that ran rivulets from his hands and dissaperared into his dark suit. "I'm going to use your shower, _if you don't mind_" tom didn't ask.

Petunia immediately stood up, "I'll show you the way" sahe said, flopping her left tit out.

Tom imperiused her and the tit went back in. they left up the stair case.

"so!" Said uncle Vernon looking at saiga, "that your sociopath?"

"yes indeedy sir" replied saiga.

"it's too bad he was one of, you know, _their lot_" said Vernon, "a nigger"

This was an odd thing for Vernon to say, tom was clearly not black. "tom is not black" said ichigo who was staunchly anti racism.

Vernon huffed. Nobody recognised when he ws joking setting. The twats. "well if that's the case, would either of you liej to buy some cheap weed? My shits good"

"how good?" queried saiga.

"goo enough to cause me to go colour blind!" Vernon cackled and cackled.

Nobody knew why.

"I'll pay no more than thirty eight pond fifty" said saiga

"it was meant to be fifty pounds" huffed Vernon "but now we don't have to feed potter boy any more, I guess the deficit can cit you some slack"

"freakin solid" said saiga, fist bumping with vernons mostache.

The newly minted power trio sauntered up a street of London. Well, saiga sauntered. Tom strode powerfully and ichigo haf the meek posture of any number of useless moe girls.

Tom grabbed a neaby pack of chavs in his fist and discharged steam, searing the clammy, grey flesh right off their faces.

"why did you even?" asked saiga, unsure as to what toms plan was.

His question was answered when a sicjly yellow/orange light orb arose from each steam cleaned chav skull, and entered toms eyes with a sort of fire like effect. Toms eyes glowed momentarily before calming. Chav corpses his the concrete and nothing of value was lost.

"that's some sichs hit right there" said ichigo "not even I would dare to consume anything that was once chav"

"and that is why" said tom his voice all silky menace "if you ever questionme again I shall devour your soul"

Saiga just shrugged and started rolling a joint the size of a tampon "lets see if Vernon was telling the truth" he lit it and inhaled deeply.

"oi!" shouted a voice "stop right there criminal scum!"

Two bobbies dashed towards them wering the classical London cop regalia. One was bearded and wearing sunglasses, the other was massive, corpulent and had wings sprouting from his severa stories tall back.

"well since two dead guys are back, shit is good" saiga coughed as he smoked some more.

"theyre both gods you dingus!" said ichigo. He turne to the pair "I'm very sorry for any trouble we ay have caused you in the past"

C'thulhu-cop and Jesus-cop, partners in crime solving, private detectives, part of the polie force and possible puella magi.

"thatw as a lot of p's" said jesus cop "eight p's. that's as many as four twos. And that's terribel" he noted this joke was to be reused at some point.

And then cthulhucop burbled his sick black burble "hazchemgangploxsyil" the words sloughed from his moughth and seeped over the gum stained concrete.

"that's right!" shouted haysoos! "wot are you wto skoom bags doin in London? Look sharp weve got a chav infection"

Tom victory screeched a geyser of steam into the sky.

"we'll tell city 'all e get an purpol hart" said jesus.

"holy shit you guys!" sait cthulu "look behind us"

If you've ever seen dawn of the dead, shawn of the dead or high school of the dead you'll know exactly what the fuck hes on about.

A fuckton of fuckspawned head dong dongbies stumbled towards the pentagon of protagonists. Their hellish fuckgroans sounding loud and clear over the apathetic burble of citizens. One particularly careless viartnemese old lady was careless enough to snap a pic of them on her iphone for her bdsm blog. The fat black dongbie grabbed her tenderly by the shoulders and inserted his dick of a head into here mouth. It was then the ruthmic thrusting began. In and out! In an out! More and more! The pus the pain! The black voodoo! The wet jigsaw puzzle! The dongbie came being questionably consesntedly deepthroated by the lady, all the way down. Tehn the transforming started. Her head became as a clump of melting wax, shifting and bubbling and broiling and compressing into the exact size and shape of a dong.

Nearby a fat boy was recording the whole thing for _his bdsm blog_. The process began aknesw.

The pwotagonists all cocked the _absolute fuck _out of their guns. Icigo has two ornately carves blunderbus that he akinbos or whatevs that term is. Tom has a single nazi issue pistol with a very long barrel that holds his wand and shoots magic bullets like a baws! Saiga thinks hes a mangle cunt and weild a sweet arse shotgun with a fccuking sick as shit punp action oh yes! Jesus has him cock shooting minigun again because you have to fight cockwith cock otherwise why would the term cockfight exist? Cthulhu has his incomprehensible antimagikker gun or something. Its not really a gun but a lazor he shoots fom his mouth.

Shit is about to get real.

"well fuck you very much cunts!" saiga shouted to the encroaching horde of dickhesd, lol, and did tht pump hing hwre you hold the gun to the side and pump it with one hand like a sick bro! "weve got some short distance swimming to do- oh my god is that little kuriboh!?" she sqeeled like a fan girl.

Martin billany/lits koriboh strode calmy through the crowd of dongbies, and I thingk you know why gentle readers. Saiga ran over to him.

"oh my gods martin koriboh I am yor #1 fan! I have downloaded all of your episodes! Illegally! Tee hee! Letha pants!"

Martin sighed and sighned saigas tits and tried to leave but saiga followed him.

"I was thinkin of oing my own NTAS do you want to read it!" he shoved the script under little billanys nose.

Martin read aloud with all of his skill so as to keep the disdain from his voice "**A simple abridging**

**Fox: really! If you didn't have any spare teabags you could have just said so, how very rude!**

**Cut to ninja**

**Voice over of fox: ia! Ia! cthulhu fhtagn!**

**Ninja: that horrible simulation of language! We must kill the beast before it,ah urg aaaahhhh!*bursts into flames with writhing tentacles***

**Fourth Hokage appears**

**Fox: finally! Someone sensible I can talk to at long last. Tell me good sir, if I can-**

**Fourth Hokage: screw being a single dad! I cant juggle meth and a kid!**

**Roll the theme music.**

**Seals fox in Naruto**

**Baby Naruto: I'm gonna take a nipple…and suck it!*glasses pull***

**Cut to Naruto running away from the fuzz**

**Naruto: ah, vandalising our sacred national monument. The only way I can keep my sanity in this dump.**

**Voice over of Naruto explaining the setting.**

**Ninja: hokag-**

**Hokage: what'd I tell ya bout disturbin me durin **

**Right,so, Naruto wants to put in place a therapy clinic but that's treason. He's still upbeat about it though and sounds like faulerro.**

**Hokage sounds like the hitcher and smokes a lot of pot.**

**Kakashi is French.**"

"see!" said saiga! Happily. "its great innit?"

Matrin, apparently unable to take any more of this bullshit, went and sucked a dongbie off but nothing happened, again, you know why handsome readers.

The donby that was about to turn saiga sunndly found his head blown apart by 10000 cocks in a sngle second by a grinning jesus. And not a Korean jesus either. He aint got no time for yo shit! 21 JUM STREET IS SO FUNNY!

Ichigo lepts in with guns blazing akimbo, grapeshot splattering the fuck oy of da dongbies. They were mown down in their hundreds but it was not enough.

Cthuhlu opened his mouth and with a pingas! Fied his lazer that took out a vast swathe of dongbies, making it so they never were nor never could be.

Tom stood clamy off the side, taking careful shots that had a myriad dof effects. A avada kedavra bullet that killed one dongby instantly, a cutting buttel that cleaved a path, leaving behind severed wangs. A blasting bullet. Freeze and flame. Loitning. Multishot. Summon cat. Attack of the walking baths with scizzors. Its better than it sounds ok/

"its no use!" shouted jesus, pumping load after load and dickshot after dicshot into the dongby horde. "they are too many!"

"Even my lust gn is not working" bellowed saiga, trying to call forth his boners pwer!

"WERE GONNA DIE!" wailed ichigo in a tone that was uncertain of happiness.

Tom strode up, livid at his apparent weakness "stand aside you fewls!" he dashed into the orde and began punching the dongbys in their dick heads with one hand and shooting them with his gun with the other. Soon a small clearing ws clared. Tom looed staright up and screamed. His scream was not like befoee when just a small cloud of steam happened, this was a gargantuan, mushroom cloud of deafening screech teapot steam. It caused a barrier of the stuff to syrround him, and even thorufh the ear splitting screech you could hear his single worded cry. "**R PATS!"**

"artax?" asked saiga, "artax is dead"

"No he said 'arpatts'" said jesus.

"No, he sid" sid cthulhu, "armpits"

Whatever he said, the sky rent in tawin. The oer cats cloud splitting like the anus of soon to be duke muderfits. A vast, dystopian tangle of **badwrong** descended from the horizon reachin split, amorphous and devoid of _everything proper _the mass swirled and swirled and compressed into a single greasy cube of matter. A single pink line drew across the cube, gaining complexity and pattern in a n angular, gaining space ascross te surface as the patten got more fuller until the cube was solid pink. It exploded outwrds in a shower of light.

A man sat astride a fell steed. He was exhuding bright light at unprecedented rates. This man was Robert pattenson. He rode on the shoulders of Kirsten stuart, **soulless abomination** of a homunculus, a creature **born of no** emotion or **passion**, **only purpose, in a ridiculous pantomime** they canted through the dongbies and up to tom riddle.

"r pats" tom inclined his head slightly, sick smirk at the ready.

R pats opened his mouth wide, too wide, but no sound emanated yet tom seemed to comprehend none te less. The mouth opened wider still and tom chuckled darly.

"not today, friend."

R pas let out another of his wordless, soundless whispers and stepped up on kirstens shoulders, so they were at double height. He surveyed the approaching horde, thousands strong and thick enough to be the only thing besides skyscrapers in sight. And then there were only a hundred.

Saiga blinked confusedly at the strange screaming rush of air that accompanied the sudden loss of most of the dongbies. Just awht was Robert Pattenson. Why did he ride Kirsten Stewart? What was his power that it eclipsed all their own many times over?

A tick necked Russian with an eyeball as big as a car ran past, punching ichgo around the head and neck with pink sausage fists and fingers like summer hosepipes, this guywasnt fucking around! "think twice before wearing eyeliner you transsexual rapist!"

Tehn existence rewrote itself. The last 482 words being remorphed into a much more suitable and bad arse dongbie killing spree.

"haha! Yeah!" vrowed saiga viktorious-ly! Pumping another shogun round into a dingby, killing the uck out of it.

"pretty good yeah" said ichigo.

Tom just chuckled darjly, white mist leaking from his maw.

Out in the swarm of dongbies, two true London coppers stood true. Jesus H chirst and cop'thulhu. Back to back and full metal badarse, they fired they regulation issue pistols with unnering recision through multiple donby dickheads at once. But the horde was too many.

"jesus" said copthulhu

"yeah buddy?" asked jesus, bashing a floppy knob with his nightstick.

"since we're not going to mke it out of this 'alive'-"

Jesus cit jhim off with his last bullet, saving him from a grapple "don't worry mate, if this is how you've never actually said thanks, or that youre actually my friend, or about the tight pants and the dick tattoo you tricked me into, its fine. Neither have I"

"nah" said copthulhu with a tentacly grin, "I've been banging ya wife!"

They both burst out laughting.

"I know mate!" guffawed jesus "so was I!"

They laughed and laughed and shook hands before their laughs became gagged and sloppy. Two old gods, two best friends, two coppers.

"better him than me" said saiga.

Ichigo facepalmed as saigas word ctivated some form of trigger on the dongbies. They surged together limply, condesning into one great big dickmass. A dickmass with the upper half of kanye wast and the lower half of megan fox. But still visibly made of dicks.

"ok" said saiga, "now I'm imagining a baby-faced big-eared black guy named Hammerfist Ballstomper with a raging coke habit becoming Emperor of Earth. Not sure why"

The dickmass ssurged with the force of a thousand suns.

"I counter you with a seamus ballcrusher st. poon" said ichigo.

Some Siamese-twin penguins juggling cabbages on a motorcycle whilst a naked traffic instructor hurls custard at them went past in lieu of a tumble weed. And the dickmass spared its foul produvt all across the fine city of London town.

They had no choice. "youll like this shit tom" said saiga, pegging a burberry tacksuit and some kfc into the dickmass, ichigo followed it up with a can of 76c beer and a really cheap pack of fags.

If you thought there were a lot of dongbies, you mind will be motherfucking _blown_by the amount of chavs attracted by the cheap goods. Cheap goods steroitypical of chavs for a reason mothafucka! Those filthy beasts love burberry tracksuits and cheap things you can buy when youre 18. Most , if not all the chavs were like 14-15 or 17 in some cases.

most improper.

Girl hawke sat up against the headboard of a hospital bed that she was in because of all the stabwounds, legs stretched out under the this blanket with the boardgame _numberwang_ on top of. She rolled the three hundred sided die. She got a

"four" muttered ichigo from a chair beside her… "nope"

She rolled the die again.

It was the cubed root of ninety seven.

"nope" ichigo spn the bonus rond stage exposing a dead rat ina perfecty coiffed blond wig.

Another roll, negative twelfty.

"nope"

Shinty six.

"nope"

Four.

"nope"

Four.

Nope.

Four.

"that's numberwang!" ichio cheered for hawke with agrin.

"he' down on the farm, helping us out" sang the little old lady haring ther room, "if there's a pet with a problem h'll sort it out hmm hmm hm hmm hmm hmm hmm, hmmhmm hmm hmmhmm…" she trailed off dreamily.

"weren't we playing _wangernumb_?" asked hawke? "wast the Coiffed Rat one of the _Wangernymb_ specific choices?"

Ichogo looked down at the 1000000 page rulebook and shook his head, "is it really important at this point" he said with a smile.

Hawke favoured him with a honeyes look "you know how I get about my _wangernumb_"

Ichigo tried to think of a play on words that insinuated thyey didn't have sex enough. Numb of wangs? Wand the number? Even though they couldn't have sex till hawke got out of the hospital and ichgio got through his councelling of saiga.

"oh I know how you get about my …number of wangs" he said with a word critical fumble.

Hawke snickered and shrugged, "they don't call you spider for nothing, you know"

"at least its not as bad as 'the man who had so many penises it was worth making a televeison program about'" ichgo implied, mouthing the words 'fourteen'.

"that's as many as four three point fives" said hawke with a dead serious expression "and that's terrible"

Ichogi winked "I got yer superdickery, right here!" he unzipped his fly and mimed earfucking hawke. She spluttered and lughed until the nurses came in to revive the little old lady from her Improper Conduct Veiwed heart attack.

The nurses shot them a look of annoyance as they rushed the little old lady out into ER. Why couldn't those two just _not_ for five minutes?

The cobbled London stret was stewn with steaming slops of chav and dongbie flesh, saiga was still blinking the light out of his eyes from the explosion from when the chavs reached critica mass.

"you were right. _For once._" Said tom, hissing steam amused. He did enjoy such devastatinf chav death, his quota might even be fulled. He strode about to each of the chav flesh bits and absorbed as much essence as he could.

"of course im right" scoffed saiga, "and you know what else is right?" he asked to ichigo. They walked to a nearby chinese resteraunt and ordered some dimsums. Which saiga ate while ichigo doggy styled him under the table. "a post battle victory meal!"

But something was wrong. Something was terribly horribly wrong for saiga. It was an indescribable gut feeling, a lurching sense of unease that made him hate his dad and apologise for the excessive drinking he hadn't even started yet. No wait, that was the nicklbeack he could hear in te ackground. But he stil felt very very odd.

He looked down. Instead of the usula orange blond hair there was bright pink. Also the person giving hij a sexjob was agirl. And with her vagins too! Nuuuuuuuu!

Saiga lept back in double decker disgust and confusion, "who are you and where the hell is my ichig-poo?" he whispered aghast that a girl had touched his most sacred area. His left knee scar.

"wotcher, mate" the girl said brightly and saiga ran. Ran away, and contemplated living in an unsightly manner as his hate wasn't strong enough and he had the wrong eyes.

Saiga burst out onto the street where a garden shed pulsated and glided down the street, consuming rubbish, dongbi parts and stray cats like a grea wooden basking shark. He ran up to tom who was smoking some weed out of a classy pipe.

"wahuhpluhbuh!" he whined at him "ichigo! Not! Girl! What?!"

"you know something?" said tom 'I might be just high enough to be interested in your drivel"

"ichigo is really a girl!" sobbed saiga "or its an imposssterrr!"

Tom just laughed and resfused to comment futher.

The girl wandered out of the china shop, munching on twiglets and spring rolls, "hiya, I'm nymphomadora tnoks" she said cheerily

"where is ichigo!" demanded saiga, fretting with his hands. I ichigo got away he could get to the police, and then the ungrateful little sod would get him arrested! After all he'd done for him!

The girl shrugged, "I owed him a favour, so we switched places seeing as how I'm a metamorphagus an all"

"since when?!" siaga pimpslapped her.

"oi! Leave off you cunt!" tonks flashed him her tits and he cowed like abitch. "bout a fortnight ago"

"How unorthodox" frostilied rukia.

Saiga shrieked like a little bitch at the sound of her voice in fright, "when in the name mrs doubtfire did you get here?" he asked questioningly.

"I've always been here" rikia flashbacked…

{"fourt five euros, and this flute" replied cocwell produing a extravget flute, one as you might get for free at christmans times. The flute was extrageantly detailed in electric blue enamel which was carved into a thousand sinuous dicks, etwined in a multitude of intricate dances, a individual look of relicious delight layed upon eac of their faces in precious body of the flute was argyley patterened in crimson and noir, to offset the brightness of the blue wangers.

"where did you get that?" asked saiga in a voice like johnny depp, his face flashed handsomely.

"holy shit do I love saiga's dick I wish I was under the table with ichigo right now sucking him off" said rukia who had been standing behind Saiga.

"this one time" smirked cockwell "at band camp, I found a djin using this flute as a dildo. So I gathered up all the persons and instruments and immolated them all in a dread ritual. The fesh sloughed off their boddies and mixed with the melted metal, turning into an orb which condensed to a hundredth of its original size. And out came the flute . All their souls are bound to the djins magic which resides inside the flute"

The candles flickered eerily.

"oh" said saiga "for a second there I thought it was the flute of triumph, crafted from a an angels dong"

"haha no" said cockwell "I'd never own somethig that tacky"

"your paisley shag rug says otherwise" inslugted saiga cruelly, turning nhis nose up as shagwell "as does your maroon caudroy wallpaper.

Rukia urinated loudly with her voice "both of those things would actually be pretty ugly" she said.

"hey!" cockwell raised his voice "those were rare and expensice USSR masterworks! I will not be insulted in my own house!"

"Why?" said saiga in return, a bit louder in aggression times "do you have somewhere special you go for that?~

Saiga nodded thoughtfully, eyeing the fuckslaves, "make us a bit more brekky ichigo; French toast if ye please" he sat down at the breakfast table with the dursley family. They all got along famously.

"that is totes wix!" trilled young harries voice followed by the high pitched exhalation of steam. There was a sickening crunch. The wet tearing sound, that cracked and crunched and splorched rhythmically to the sound of young harrys mounting arse screams.

"don't worry" said rukia riding saiga's dick "I'm sure it's just his killing harry child with a watermelon. Not kiddie rape."

The whistle hiss of steam ceased, and the crawl space door clanged.~

A man sat astride a fell steed. He was exhuding bright light at unprecedented rates. This man was Robert pattenson. He rode on the shoulders of Kirsten stuart, **soulless abomination** of a homunculus, a creature **born of no** emotion or **passion**, **only purpose, in a ridiculous pantomime** they canted through the dongbies and up to tom riddle.

The sight and smell of the dongbies was getting rukia so fuck mothering wet so she jumed on saiga and started having a standing up sixtyniner with him. Saiga fell over in surprise. "get over here ichigo and do me!" she shouted to him through a mouthful of cock. Ichigo came up and started to doggy style her while she was still sixyninin saiga. All around the dongbies surged in delight.}

"see?" asked rukia pointing out that she was obviously here the whole time and not just edited in by ironypus to appease Saiga.

Saiga gave a non committal shrug. "seems legit"

It had been a fortnight since last chapter, siaga hissed through his teeth. How could he not notice? Combining this with the fact that Roxroy was clearly the best name ever, it was obvious this was all a plot to destroy Ireland.

He had to buy some chick peas.

"aight tom, we gotta bounce" saiga gestured to tom upwards. "and bitch" he addressed tonks and clicked sassily three times in a Z "you can just fuck righ the hell of, mmkay"

What he assumed to be tkons was ctually a flesh snowman that tom was building. Real people fless, not chav. "she left already, you imbecil"

"whatevs" saiga sniffed, "either you get more talkative or we need to get a third party member so we can actually be entertaining"

"I'll take the latter choice" saif tom straight facededly.

They flew off into the sky, away from the spicy mysteries below brewing in the depths of the soho palace. The child trafficking, the illegal ingrediaents, the filthy prostitute for a mayor. It was amobsters delight. A mobster or a teenager. Either or.

Sidestroy: dongbies in disnyer world!

The dongbies were in Disney land. The end!

The laboratory was cold, sterile and deathly white. The only colour besides the crab dinner on a scalpel rack was the nazi swasticker. You hear me right bitches. It s nazi time.

A man was babbling madly. "they told me I was mad! To think that I cold create a new strain of super sasuke in a single night, with afraction of the resources, and a _fool_ for an assistant" he paused to whip bill bailey with a whip "but I showed them! Hahehahaha! You are goerring to love this!" he cried to the heavens.

"I did nazi this coming" chipped in bill bailey, what a lovely chap.

A voice box buzzed and a voice was heard "dr. frankenitachi" it said "well done. But this was not what we ere after. And you know haw ssj3 hitler gets. You know this."

"I'm an immortal zombiw you fools!" crowed dr. frankenitachi "he cannot kill me!"

"no" buzzed the voice box in a new, heavily accented german voice than its previous Texan drawl "but I can get very mad at you"

Bill bailey tittered nervously, hitler kept threatening is beard and hair.

"and I can take bills beard hair"

Shit.

"I don't care!" said frankenitachi "leave me to play with my ne toy!"

"till tomorrow thn" said the voice of hitler.

"why did you resurrect your little brother anyway?" asked bill

"because I love him enough to kill everyone else" said itachi. He gazed down at the sasuke.

Raven tresses adorned his head, his nose was symmetrically pleasing on his Adonis like face. As were his ears. His angular chin gave way to a sloping neck and cute little collar bones. He was well muscled and pale in the body, wearing a respectably sized peins and zilch pubes. There were a few scars from the process but frankenitachi thought they made him look dashing.

Sasuke sat up. "you littke shitbox" he said

"I knew youd love it"

Sasuke turned to his brother " I was happy dead, dobe ewas there. My soul was in the nether realm, how did you get it into my body?"

"I didn't~" said itachi, "I put it into this cockring, this way you can pilot your old body, that I touched up myself~"

"I'm a zombie!" wailed sasuke, unable to bring himself to punch bill bailery in the face.

"no no you silly goose! You're a lich!" sang frankenitachi.

"and you think that make sit better?"

"doesn't it?" aksed frankenitachi.

Sasuke seethed as carl schwimmen waled into the rom. Carl schwimmen looked remarkably like a gant penis sporting arms tat ended in crab claws, with a enormous double headed erection blossoming out the fromt. He wore a grumpy expression at this, sporting a mono eye and monobrow, and a tank top that bore the slogan 'no more dicks'

"le me get this straight" said carl "So the Nazi's, ressurected Dr. Frankenitachi, so he could create Sasuke, just to have a mildly unhealthy sexual relationship with him?"

"pretty much" said bill bailey.

Carl therw his claws up in disgust as his double header bobbed in a trance inducing fashion.

It was then saiga and tom walked in. saiga pointed his pointer inger and said firmly amid clouds of pot smoke "you. You're comin with me."

The walls of the run down London motel were mouldy with mildew, and smelled of old cereal. A babbys wail awoke the occupants. Orochimaru, Sasuke, Danzo, Goofy Tobi and Kakazu. The reason is, like in the plot of those ghastly The Hangover movies, they have to find out what they did. And along the way kill a bunch of dudes and perhaps discover something about themselves, something important.

Orochimaru stabbed the babby with his mouth sword to shut it up and alleviate his splitting tequila headache. "(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻)" he shouted in pained rage.

"┬─┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ)" replied kakazu, "there is all my money on that table"

Danzo opened the dufflebag full of money. It was infact full of used 50 shades of grey nevols. It was agreed the books be burtn, the only time it was allowed to do so, and cast into a strong eastern wind.

"Kokoro HIYA HYA sore demo suki desu~!" sang tobi gleefully "Sugata PAYA PAYA soredemo ikimasho~!"

"これは全くばかげている！"サスケは言った。"ただ、私たちは酔っている間でした何かを見つける冒険を持っており、自分自身について何か、何か重要なことを発見することができます！"

"I'm cool withat" said orochimaru, eyeing the boy.

"mee too, as long as we discover money" said kakazu.

"＼(・ω・)／RETTSU nyaa!" sand tobi dancing like a drugged out madman.

Danzo wa all for this, he did love adventuring. It reminded hiom of his golden years, setting out on journeys with old hiruzen, gutting enemies and banging skanks along the way. Oh ye those were the days, and another thing! He-

Everyone ignored danzo's broken internal monologue, in favour of him supposed to be wordless. Plus he was old and boring.

The fivesome let out the front dooe of the London motel and were instantly assaulted by bright sopt lights.

"チーズそれは、それはファズだ！"、怒りでサスケを叫んだ"あるいはそれらすべてを殺す！"

The five ninja burst into action, chopping down police, SAS and Hellsing untits down with their swords and shooting fireballs and snakes and wind blasts, strangling them with detachable hands via earth grudge fear. In ten seconds flat all the innocent dudes just doing their job were either dead or dying.

"lets blame tobi and ditch hom" suggested orochimaru, "I don't feel like going back to gaol"

"on that note" said kakazu "we may as well watch danzo wankサスケwith his sharingarm, its about as good an idea'

"ok" agreed orochimaru, licking his chin with his massively suggestive tongue.

"forgot I wa dealing with a creepy paedo" sighed kakazu.

"well his 16 or 17 now, so no paedo" shot back orochimaru "just ephebo"

Danzo ruminted on haow oro wanted the boy back when he was twelve. Orochimaru looked guilty and replied it was "just a phanse." He was going through and they should all just "for get it".

It was now that kakazu realised he an orochimaru were done up to be as identical as possible. They both had soft blond haie n their eyes and matching metallic ballbags. This was the extent of their similarities and kakzue decreed it was to stop immediately. "take off yoru balbag orochimaru" he said exasperatedly.

"ooh!" fired up orochimaru "well who went and made you phillip desouza?!"

some sort of other-dimensional shadow demon, crudely shaped into the form of a child in an effort to mock God's creations appeared as though he wre there the entire time, "you chaps gut a ot of guts showin yer facese round these parts gain. I aughta turkey slap you wit a horse!"

"それは問題だ"サスケは低い怒りのトーンで話した、"我々は非常に酔っ払って、今、私たちはそれのいずれかを思い出すことができない。"彼は刀を持って、それを通して現在の電化を走った、"私たちは答えを見つけるようにあなたはそうなのでしょうか。"

"if it is answers you seek" said the boy in te voice of an old china man "you must seek the holy trinity! a dynamic go-getter, a genius **and a man from Ireland!**"

Tobi giggled and sucked the boy into his pocket eye dimension, "Ikki mono janaai!"

The antasic five set off through the London streets that looked suspiciously like the town at the start of soul eater. They passed by depressed citizens wearing matching uniforms that had swatstickers on the shoulders. None of them looked up as the flamboyant fivesome walked towards the big skyscraper labelled "Denholm industries'. A man in a suit fell from it and splattered on the ground ebfore them.

They stepped through te body and walked inside, up to the front desk whereupon they kidnapped the secretarys. Renholm industries is equal opportunity after ll. They took them to a bak room and every body but サスケ had a smoke break whilst サスケ interrogated them.

"どこで見つけることができる、"サスケは目でセクシーな男性を殴った、"天才、ダイナミックゴーゲッターは、"彼は、セクシーな女性の鼻を血まみれになった"とアイルランドから来た男？"

"the basement!" the sexy pair howled, "go to the basement!"

They all went to the basement.

In the basement they found a quite startling scene. Jen was leaning over the computor desk whist being doggy styled by roy. And roy was beant over jen being doggy styled by moss.

"can you not go any faster roy" stated jen, grumpy with the slow speed of the fucking.

Roy gave a irish chuckled and dribbled potatos chuckle 'if I did that, I'd have to thrust out of time with moss and you know haw sensitive my but is, id rupture something"

"well not rupture" said moss as the studio audience laughed and wanked "more bruise but itll be higly uncomfortable all the same" he said in his reedy yet manly voice.

They all thrusted in rthym and danzo had to step outside for a smoke break.

"Kenja nanzo kiken datta Hitori monde shigeki (Yarashi~!)" sang tobu.

The holy three looked up, the dynamic go getter, the genius and the man from Ireland. They waved cheerily in greeting the the now four adventurers.

Orochimaru gowed with sick glee, his tongue probing the three "we were told you coud help us find answers as to the goinds on"

"oh that" said moss with another thrust "I reckon you have to go talk with duke murderfist"

An ominous and dramatic sound sounded in the background. No one knew why.

"and he knows what we did whistlt passed out drunk. That is responsibe for the pipers ceasing and azathoth waking from his unending slumber in the centre of the universe to burn rape and pillage all creation to his gigantic insane hearts content?" asked danzo.

"no." said moss.

"no?" said orochimaru, ejaculating vipers everwhere.

"no." repeated moss, "but he does know a guy who does"

Kakazu wanted to skip the middle man "who is this man ho mudderfits knows?"

"how the ruddy hell should I know" said moss, thrusting still steadily.

"You are the three," growled [[spoiler: Kakazu]]. "you know about as much as the entire internet"

"if some ome hasn't twitted it" irished roy amid a shower of Guinness "we cant know it"

Such a harsh political and social commentary. "fine you ingorant boobs! We shall go to the ducke and rend from hin this information!"

"I think I'll stay here a while" said orochimaru.

Jen made a face and muttered "yep, just came abit there"

"I retract my decision and substitute my own" said orochimaru, drawing back in disgust.

Sasuke's google translate had broken. "where is he, this murderist?" he asked in imaginary Japanese.

It turned out you had to go to Hoxton square, turn left instead of right until you get down to that car park behind the dragon bar. There you would find a hatch in the gravel that led you to a underground puddle of sorts, which you dove into despite it only being a few centimeters deep, until you came out the other side. Upon which you wold find yourself in a specil part of London: the up market flats!

On the way there they passed a lonely brave knight knocking on a garde wall which a dragon appeared over. He wanted to see if the dragon wanted to come out and play, indulging in a game of run outs or ting tang tommy. The dragon was upset, saying, "I cant play out. I have chicken pox and my arms have transformed into brnches. Plus my mon is really angry with me coz my BMX got nicked" three owls in the background watched the scene unfold, furious as now the sudes will be uneven.

They also passed a bight yellow school bus occupied only by a large man wearing only shoes(no socks) his knickers, a grubby singlet and hat hanging out the open door, leering at sixteen year olds. They spent sixteen hour here as orochimaru had to trade tactics with te man, stoppng only once for a bowl of riceicles.

When they finally got to his addees 'something something funeral lane' and demolished the two funerl parlours that stood nearby fro a laugh, te five worked out a paln. Kakazu and orochimaru would transform into two completely random strangers and pretent to be selling life insurance and fine leather jackrts. Orochi became a 6-7 teen yar old boy woth a serious face and orange hair, kakakzu became [description not available because saiga-kun is a jerk!]

They knocked on th door. A dour faced man with a faint green tinge to his skin, glowing purplr eyes and an abundance offine stitches opened it, and sighed, taking a photograph from his pocket "saiga and ichigo?" he asked.

"of course" said kakazaiga, " I take it murderfist is expecting us?"

The butler nodded and rolled his eyes, "yes but first you've got to pass a test" he led them into a dark room. He ushered them into the middle and flicked on the light.

Boobs. Boobs, everywhere boobs. And then stepping out from the crowd, a single crab. The boobs converged upon the crab, crushing its strurdy carapace with ease.

"this is the 51 tits of granite" said the butler, "before murderfist sees you, you need to survive a titty fuck" he left the room, "good luck".

They surveryed the room, it was about a kilimoter on all sides. And packed full of granite tits, 51 must just be the title. And the tits certainly didn't _move_ like granite. They jiggled and wiggled and bounced seductively.

"Dude" whispered orochimaru "what do?"

"well" kakzu deliberated the sich carefully "between your damage negation abilities and my defensive capabilities, we should easily be able to tank a titjob without getting our dicks crushed"

Neither of them actually had a penis anymore, though. Just, all their weird body mod jutsu got rid of that, now they had better replacements; or so they told others and their bros.

The replacements wwre accually pretty slick, though.

"lets try this first" they said in unison. Orochimaru made a shadow clone and kakazu made a earth clone. Orochimaru's activated his squishy body jutsu and kakazu's activated his stoneskin spell. They sent the clones out and tey were instantly mobbed.

The clones exposed their penis substitutes that wer in no way compensating for anything. The tits descended and destroyed the clones dick substitutes oin an instant.

Neither man spoke a words, but rather just left the room. The green tinged man was waiting.

"well since I don't see any blood o those shorts, can I wager you didn't take the titty fuck?" he said, expressionless.

Kakazu and orochumaru shook their heads like scolded five year olds.

"you pass the test" the man shrugged languidly "a real man would not chance such genital damage, though most do, but you did not"

"lucky us"

The man beckoned them to follow him down a corridor, up a flight of stairs, left, left, left, left, left, left up a flight, a rollercoaster ride, left, up again through the digestive tract of a giant snake of some description, through a lingerie floor of a mall, up who know how long on an elevator.

They stepped out and were before a door. "duke" said te man "saiga and ichigo to see you.

An flamboyant "Ooooo~" issued from the behind door.

"he'll take you now" said the man, gracing them with the frist emotion since they had sen him; a tiny smile.

This was starting to sound like orochimaru's kind of place. They went inside.

Inside the room it was bedrrom. But the most extravegent bedroom you've ever seen, wit silken ruffles and laces in sexual red colours, mirrors everywhere and bean bags festooned the floor anlong with sex position cushions. In the centre of the room lay a bed, on on that bed lay a handsome man wearing a frilly neckerchief and tight pantaloons. His true identity disguised clumsily by an enormous poweder blue powedered wig. He wore a tiny golden necklace wit the words _cockwell _ mde of it in fancy font.

Kakazu and oro burst into action! They untransformed and rushed murderfist, binding him with earth grudge fear tendrils and a lond lond lon tongue. 'Murderfist' trilled at the indignity of it all "you are certainly _not _the two fine gentlemen I contracted!"

"no" said kakazu, his wind mask bursting from his skin, "we aren't"

"I might be though" said orochimaru, strangling cockwell, I mean murdefist a little.

"nope." Said murderfist "I'd remember if I hired a specimen as exotic as you, specifically becaue I'd have to have been passed out drunk~"

"well bully for you then" sulked orichimaru "looks like you'll never taste my extendercock"

'murderfist' shrugged.

"we came" said kakazu, whipping his tendrils,

"huh~" said murderfist in mild disgusted fascination.

"to this block of flats"

"oh"

"to get some information"

"which is?"

"what we did whistlt passed out drunk. That is responsibe for the pipers ceasing and azathoth waking from his unending slumber in the centre of the universe to burn rape and pillage all creation to his gigantic insane hearts content?"

"I don't know that"

"I know, but you know someone who does"

"this is true"

"spill your beans murderfist, spill them all over the floor like a fountain of information, that will take three days to clean"

"there's a worm at the bottom of my garden"

"and?"

"his name is wiggely woo"

"circumstantial"

'murderfist' let out a long suffering sigh, "just go down to my garden shed and content with the gatekeepers. Once you've done that go out the back door and you should met straigt with it"

"it?"

The duke nodded.

An awkward silence happened, punctuated only by the loud sound of smashing glass as sasuke, tobi and danzo burst through a window and into the room.

サスケは第一話を聞いた。"男は失意のうちに叫んで突然沈黙していたかのように我々は、フォースの乱れを感じた。何か間違っていますか？"

"oh no" said murdefist "we're doin just fine and dandy here, son!" we was still wraped up in two old mens tongues and tendrils. He liked his tongues nad tendrils young.

"Kibou wa kotoba ni shinakucha ((」・ω・)

" sang tobi happily, "chaos! chaos! Urusee na chaos! Moeru youna kimochi (Nande~!?)"

Danzo decided it prident for them all to abscond out the broken window and leave the ducke and his servents to clean it up. Which they all did immediately, and with great gusto.

The five dudes scrambelled across the great sweeping lawn and saw a collection of garden sheds, including the one that ate up all the stuff earlier.

"itd be the one right at the ack I guess" said oro-chan "look for something to doo with a worm called wiggely woo"

They all wnet inside the shed right at the back that had a smiling worm of the front and 'wiggely woo' on te front in graet block letters.

Inside was acosy two floor house, and a llama.

"carl! Get down here, we have guests!" shouted the one already there, it was wering a pink hat with a flower on.

The five waved to it, "can we go see the it out back now?"

"sorry" said te llama, "you've gotta deal with carl". It paused and turned back to the stairs, "caaaaaaaaaaaaarl!"

Another llama dropped from the ceiling to which it had been sticking with plungers attached to its feet, "you called?"

"yes" said the first llama, "now fight these men!"

Carl nodded solemnly "you had best prepare your vital organs for my next attack" and opened his mouth like asnake "foreskins of a thousand jews!". Foresiins of a thousand jews shout from him like acannon blast-[ok, I've got to add a really cool fight scene here as it's going to be the last one. Gotta be great and action. Techinacal enough to not destroy the ouse and then leave them out the back]

The five stood out the back after a tough fight, watching in trepidation as a white shape circled closer through the heavy foliage.

"(」・ω・)

Ooh!(/・ω・)/ Nyaa!(」・ω・)

Ooh!(/・ω・)/ Nyaa!  
(」・ω・)

Ooh!(/・ω・)/ Nyaa!(」・ω・)

Ooh!(/・ω・)/ Nyaa!  
(」・ω・)

Ooh!(/・ω・)/ Nyaa!(」・ω・)

Ooh!(/・ω・)/ Nyaa!  
(」・ω・)

Ooh!(/・ω・)/ Nyaa!＼(・ω・)／RETTSU nyaa!" giggled to bi as he saw who it was.

Bryan Ferry: Ruler of the Forest.

_Uguu~! Time for Ironii-chan corner with Ironii-chan!_

_This story is ver exciring for me! Like, very! It is a lot of fun! I am writing it for my friend Saiga-kun, as a favour desu, since he just loves Ichigo! He is funny guy Te-hee~!but I specially dedicate this chapter to my bestie kay-chan! And to all te others, to a slightly lesser extent desu! But anyway~ lets get onto the real reason behind ironii-chan corner with ironii-chan! I want to know if I should write this story!_

_Kabuto kills sasuke while he's in hospitlee ! and it is up to kakashi to find out who it was and why! But then kabuto goes to stay with mei chan, someone elses GF OMG! And then he becomes an uchiha! Mjand naruto has an affair with Karin! Itachi-sama will be so displeased when he finds out~uguu~ desu! And how will they all survive in the middle of a drug war!111!1!_

_What you all think?! Tell me in revews! _


	3. The Revenge of Mr Monopoly

"your opa ration has attracted mine interest" quaffed saiga readily from the trough of mysterious possibilities, "I'm really quite into seeing what the capabilities of these super fighting robots are" he said in passing consternation to the lady person who was guiding him readily through the winding steel corridors and sterile nture of the hedquarters.

"sacrebleu monseir saiga!" the lady all but French kissed her words in that sexy way sexy French ladies have. Such a thing was sure to exist. "you ave all but come to the right place treis bein!"

With a victorious sweep of his graetcoat saiga all but ignored the woman "an I understaan that your company deals in fighting robots to a select clientell?"

"oui, non. We use the supre robots only for the defense of the nation"

"good good" saiga muttered nodding to himself. Shake em off the trail. "may I speak with your branch manager?" he didn't so much as ask as demand.

"si. Ve shall commune with moinseur GENDO in da command room"

The word GENDO echoed off the harsh steel walls like the last vestments of human sanity. A name fit for a mad man. A soothsayer. GENDO of the SECOND CHANCE. Saiga knew his reputation well. His neckbeard was legend spoken of in the dead sea scrolls along with the angels attack. It was that man he had come to see.

A titanic crash rocked the world.

"what in the name of tom feltons pieced scrotum was that?" saiga demanded of the air, gesticulating wildly to convey his point to those troublemaking molecules.

The france lady poised an ear. "if you listen carefully, sounds just like a golf"

But siga had no time for this automotive bullcrap. "you've seen la blue girl, I trust?" he threatened the lady in his most silken tones.

"I don't watch crap" replied lady framboise, so Saiga punched in the heaving cleavage.

"neither do I" he said still in that oil of ulay tone. He didn't need this wench, that was most likely some form of enormous explosive conceived of japans love of killing and robotics and teenagers, and teenagers who kill, and robotics who are teenagers. Saiga shoved framboise over and walked over to a wall mounted map. Unfortunately the ma worked in four.7 dimensions.

Getting on a nearby conveyer belt saiga surfed that shit like a giant moon worm, it was totally fraeking badass. His long graetcoast flapped musteriously in the bereeze made of his tansit. Feeling it appropriate he got out his cellular phone and played the imperial march theme, full streo and all.

The music swpet him into what seemed to be a command room, large screens adorned the walls displaying static, frenzied salarymen typed out complicated segments of code onto computers whose only function was to beep and hum and blink lights occasionally. Saiga stepped off the conveyer belt awesomely to a hush of voices that were before, talking.

"who the devil are you?" said a voie that could well have originated from his neckbeard. GENDO. He said this with the air of a man who has never heard a lovers laugh or heard the words 'youre fine', from a doctor.

Saiga snickered in haughty derision. He was worth sicks of him. "you may have heard, the Chavsplosion incident last week.." he let the implication hang there like a dolphin gaining hangtime in the dolphin Olympics game.

The glasses of GENDO flashed ominously. "I don't know who you are but you're getting on my NERVes"

"oi!" came a falsetto voice from yonder three seated plinth.

Saiga whipped around in a frenzy. That voice. The chav menace-

He saw tree wise men arguing.

"tha telly's back on ya twats!"

They were old.

"chek it out! Barely scratched the mangy cunt!"

They were Japanese.

"friggin N2 mines, bolloxing oop our strreeet cred!"

Something was wrong. The corruption speard this deap already? Coud that old gypsy lady be telling the truth? Blood of an astin martin. A bill, any would do. A spell to haunt from the depths of the depraved…

He dismissed the gypsy's testimony of a curse as bullsit.

EVERYTHING WENT SILENT in a shimmering pressure wave but for the ponderous crash of human souls. It was like an ocean at storm, weathering itself against their faces, scoring pockmarks like acid so they'd never forget.

"The sensors are going fuckoing apeshit" hollered ritzuko with her labcoat tied around her head like some primal, tribal wear. "the angels AT field is penetrating our systems, then it's going to penetrate us! Oh My God!"she threw apples and pears and various other fruits in suck a fashion, that they splet out the words 'by the way your son is here'

GENDO unsteepled his white gloved magician hands in a gesture of defiance, he stood and ejected a bazooka from his left ear hole. "we go to get my" he spat out the word like it was a poison apple bequeathed to him as a wedding present by his mother in law "_son._"

Saiga was pissed at being ignored " I wanna buy a robot" he said as he totted after GENDO and ritz.

GENDO shot a door open that was still like a hundred meteres away and the blast of air discharged from the bazookas end silenced saigas face with its melancholy gustage.

Another gleaming converyer belt lay before them to board, so they did. The sweeping rush made them all look totally bad ass. The belt carried them beyond human imagination and into a room where lay the mightiest of all mecha. The greatest of all super fighting robots. A being which not supracosmic strength nor the magik of the ages could defaaet. There in it's swimming pool of orangle fluids lay the Evangelion.

The large wooden double doors oppoisye exploded the fuck outwards! Te crash causing tem all to jerk around in surprise and hate! In strode a boy with the face of shinji ikari, but with the gizzards Saiga recognized as belonging to the skinwalker Simon.

"WHO the HELL do you Think I AM?!"

Deeper still in the geofront bowels of tokyo3 a lone man skulked with all the grasce of a Mincing Dancer Cat. The sounds from the toppled barrels he had crashed into were dismissed as 'probably just the wind' by the guards, such was his skill. With catlike traed he trod further and forther, and pounced upon a guard and devouring him whole.

Tom Riddle regurgitated the mans fingers fro the door scanner and stepped inside. He was halfway across the room when a tank spanning the entire wall caught his gaze, it wasn't that he was unobsevent but that the angles were wrong and it just looked like shiny wall before. He started at what ws floating in te cool green liquid.

It tugged at the edges of his psyche like the early dreams of mankind, and the beasts face twitched as it too dreampt. Perhaps of this very moment. He couldn't recall where he had saw that face before, but he had to respect that moustache even if the face had red hair. Strangely the creatures body was a gargantuan penis, but parts were mechanized as though lost to the ravages of some great lusty battle. It was a mighty beast, a beautiful animal, a veritable perfection of flesh and machine.

NIGESTIAL DICKIRIAH SPIDERIUS! "I name you thus!" tom bellowed foaming at the mouth in religious ferver! This thing would have him for all eternity, and his ego and pride would mean nothing before it, he would be its servant in all things and it would be his king! Follow him to hell and back he would!

Tom chocked as if strangled, and his haught reasserted itself. No. he would not slave himself to this majestic being, for it had not proved itself worthy, and he longed for that day to come, to challenge his devotion to the dark lord Jacule.

He crept on.

The shell of Shinji smiled in a hollow sort of way, as the guts of a digger formed a new plan.

GENDO leveled his bazooka at his son, "it seems there are some priors which I remain unaware of" he snarled like a man possessed. This was all going wrong. Just last week he'd seem the security footage of his piss meek little son, was this an affected act? Or did shinji posess a secret yet more baffling? He must make his map fit the territory.

"shinji" saiag oozed in that way of his, I'm sure you know the one. "just the person I wanted to meet" he span a masterful tale of deceiet like a spindle spider, charlottes web.

He saw the shell shinji frown but the soul of simon grin. "who are you, mate?" the hollowed out boy queried.

Saiga's grin tuned predatory as he twirled his snidely whiplash 'tache evily, "Well I'm glag you asked" he burst into a sultry almost grimdark redition o how it came to be.

"_life was good in 'Straya land~_

_Two great blokes with poon demands~_

_Till one blisteringly sunny day~_

_They got caught up and swept away~_

_Into japanime was where they landed~_

_But only Saiga! Now he's stranded!~_

_Now there's just one question!~_

_How does he take Ichigo back home?~"_

"what is this poppycock?" demanded GENDO, the embryonic Adam ensconded in his hand crying out fro blood, blood for the blood god! "answer carefully lest I have you flogged" but this was not enough for adam! He fired a rainbow cannon blast at saiga with his minds eye, exploding the boy into a thousand specks of glitter, he summoned ultramarine spiderkin harvested from the beast below and they descended upon Ritz, tearing chunks out and bout like bored ferris wheel conductors. Fat conductors. FUCK YOU THOMAS! AND FUCK YO GORDEON!

The fangs of saigas Dracula heritage shone forth in a glorious display. "_The Aristocrats."_

GENDO pushed his orange glasses up sinsterly so they may flash in the light rendering them opaqe and him evil, or at least a dick.

Simon picked at his hosts teeth with a prog knife "father" he began. "father. I am here to pilot the evangelion as is my ancient birthright, this is unavoidable, a beautiful moment twix man and machine and alien flesh" he pulled a drill shaped key from his pocket "MACHINE SPIRIT" he cried "I AM HER AT LAST, I HEARD YOUR CALL FROM ACROSS THE WORLD AND I KNEW IT WAS TIME, LET THIS NOT BE A PALTRY UNION, LET THIS LAST FOR THE END OF TIME ITSELF UNTILL THE SUN BURNS DOWN TO CINDERS, I KNOW YOU EVA UNIT ONE AND I NAME YOU DONNY THE DESTROYER, KILLER OF MAN, RENDE OF THE FLESH OF ANGELS, TOGETHER WE WILL STORM THE GATES OF HEAVEN NS FUCKING KISCK DIWN THAT GATE OF HEAVEN AND GO INTO HEAVEN AND FUCKING PUNCH DUDES IN THE FUCKING HEAD AND THEN E WILL GO UP TO GOD AND SAY 'WHERE IS YOU GOD NOW? WHAT DOMAIN DOES HE RULE? I OWN THIS PLACE NOW AND I OWN YOU! THIS SWEET PAD AND SURROUNDING ENVIRONS ARE MINE YOU HEAR?'. AND ONCE WE TOPPLE HIM FROM HIS THRONE OF SKULLS OUR DARK WORK SHALL BEGIN!" his eyes were aligt with manic ferver, froth coated his quivveing jowels and his tone reminded saiga of a calm and haunting Jodie Mitchell.

Back in the bowels tom found his prize. Lillith. Tht giant whore of an angel. Saiga was very interested in the propertis oh having an AT field so he wanted some of her angelic flesh to graft into his body which is how biology works. With nary a trickle of superheated steam Tom Riddle punched his fist into her squshy purple body and extracted a handful of a meat that was as gristle as it was gravy. It reminded him of the pies his aunt used to sell down in old London town. Down in old fleet street.

But lo! The grimy sauce flesh began to writhe like a leech that had just been salted, but this leech is no ordinary leech, no sir. The salt strengthens it even as it burns its flesh. That is the manner in which the lillith gristle was behaving.

With a bestial snarl to the heavens of opium related gods Tom shoved that fucking shit into a pickle jar pull of preserving fulied. But it fuching stuck to his hand! He flailed and punched the ground but no, it would not come off. He howled and smote the demon with his righteous and steamy fury. The thing recoiled from heavens false promise and slunk meekly into the jar. Tom hoped noboy would be stupid enough to eat what was inside.

His job complete tom slunk like a bad smell back up to the street level where rukia was keeping the getaway car engine running, I assure you.

Donny the Destroyer howled in his containing pool of half solid orange jelly, mechanical jaws open wide to display that yes! Yes he was a man! Yes he could love and hate also! Yes he was a badass! Donny te fuckin destroyer lifted his giant robo hand out of the jelly box, tailing gelationous chunks. He fistbumped simon amid a shower of firework like conflagrations, they both grey identical handlebar moustaches and for a brief moment, were brothers in more than spirit.

It was an epiphany for GENDO, the eva unit was activation by itself without any power, but on the flimsy basic of its angelic innards. It was _inconceivable._ He thought the phrase with some irony. The mere presence of his worthless git of a son could do this. It was time for a change of tact.

"Shinji" he said, placing his hand on the boys shoulder in what he no doubt thought was a fatherly manner, but in retrospect he would class it more in the vicinity of chucky cheese clown. "you know what must be done" the words clattered out of his mouth with a symbols crash, like eels on crack flubbing about with their slimy skin!

"we shall instert him into the enrty plug right away sir" said Ritzuko.

They insterted shinji into the entry plug. He plunged his drill key into Donny and the metamorphosis began. Too bad they were scooted up the deposit system so we don't get to see.

Saiga stood in front of GENDO, blocking his view of the command centre screen, his gargantuan bulk spilling out into every conceivable crevice. On the annoyingly segmented screens he saw a ganit green thing with a mask and a pretty pink tutu hiding the telltale crotch bulge of its erect core. This was a cunning for to be sure.

The fight raged on for a century, many lives were claimed but eventually, one man stood tall, the rets saw the better, mr Rodgers ina blood stained sweater.

Saiga held back a grin at the tell tae signs of simon possessing a stronger host, or he would be doing so if GENDO hadn't just shot him in the spine.

"you thought you could just sturt into my base and steal my things?" questioned GENDO, firing another shot into saiga. "you may be the favoured one but youre no GENDO Ikari"

Siaga coughed a gogbet of blood onto the floor and put his fingers into it. Floor ketchup. "serve with pride and rejoice with suffering" he muttered, tracing a sigil of delicate traceries with the blood ketchup. "kiss the sun lest he be angry and ye incur but a sliver of his wrath. Purge infidels and judge the unworthy, the kingdom ill needs a savior. So if youll excuse me, I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!"

Saiga slammed his fist into the blood katsup mmartk and a blinding gold light embraced the room like it was a lost child who had found its way into mommys mdma cabinet. With a crack sound of stiking lightning and a smell like strawberries Saiga was vanished.

The theme song sounded from all sides, pouring from crackes in the walls and the mouths of babes, it came a fearful song of doom.

_**Maximum Paradise Driver trios: You sunk my Scrabbleship; the revenge of Mr. Monopoly.**_

The road was long, stretching far out into the distance, a finger of zeus in acrises. A single nondescript batmobile sped along it but then crashed because batman hed let robin drive, but that gngly little fuk just kept on texting batgirl who he was trying to make kill herself.

The mystery mobile fooled. Inside it bill bailey sat behind the wheel, driving with his cool driving scarf, goggles and gloves ensemble.

Tom sat shotgun, slowly pulling apart a kitten that was yowling in angony. He ripped the head from the body and flng it out the window. Reaching under the set he pulled out a briefcase and retrieved the next kitten.

Rukia was busy trying to have sex with saiga but he was having none of it. He didn't want to touch her until he got ichigo back to complete the set, because if it was a metaphor she would be a piece of set armoutr that was worse thatn the current piece he had but would be worth it when he got the second piece but to wequip it now would be folly.

But saiga himself had strpped his arm down in straps to an operating table. Slowly but surely he mde an inscicion with a scalpel along the top og his left arm. With a surgeons precision that he lacked he clumsily cut a chunk out that spanned between his radius and ulna from just behind the wrist, all the way to halfway down his forearm. He set aside the chunk and removed most of the flesh, so tat it was just mostly skin. He opened the jar and pulled out the lillith meat with a pair or tweezers. He then crammed the angel flesh into the new hole in his arm. Having done that he put the skin back over the top and stiched it all together. He antispetied the wound and wrapped a bandage over it.

"damn that smarts" he quipped bracingly with a seethe.

"that was some quality stitchwork there" said rukia "where di you learn that?"

"battlefield wounds and improper treatments. Pissing out blood and festering scabments. Sneaking in the infirmary and stitching with shoestrings. These are a few of my favorite things"

"Stich this" said tom, throwing most of a mostly dead kitten at his face.

The space phone began to rang. Bill pressed a button and the lcd screen lit up and showed a face. A face harrowed not by time, not by death and not by poor credit rating. Super. Sayajin. Three. Hitler.

"mein gott" said the magician of faith, his long blond hair falling over silky shoulders, his piercing blue eyes shining out like a lighthouse beacon warning traveling semen. And his moustache! It was like a song from the old country, ah, it'd melt yer face.

"oh guten tag" said saiga back to him, "do you have a job for us sire?"

"nein! I have a _mission_!" said the majescti space hitler. "there is an abandoned amusement park run by old man Jenkins, an I hear tell he's guarding valuable deposits of Nazianium! The only alloy capable of crafting UNLIMETED BALDES that WORK on every being ever, save for me. Also it might be haunted I guess"

"neat" said saiga. "whats the place called?"

Hitler took on a subtly darker vibe and the very air began to shake with misbegotten trepidation"_Pastures Green!"_

*dun dun DUUUUUN!*

"my bad" said tom. "that's just my message aletr tone" he fished his phone out of his pocket an looked at the text message. "I've apparently won one million dollars" he said already sending a text back to them warning them of their imment demise. Tom finds the chase make s the moment all the sweeter.

"I remember that place" said saiga suddenly. "I remember that place when it used to be a pie and mash shop. They used to server eels there boy. Do you like eels?"

"I like sushi" says bill bailey hope a glimmer in his eye.

close enough.

The worn tires of the van crunchedon the gravell as t sloe to a stop, the axels screeching with forgotten rust. Four doors clutched oen and three sets of heavy footfals shifted dirt and tiny rocks about. The fourth person slipped on a puddle of blood that had pissed the fuck out of saigas arm erlier. Fer fucks sake rukai was such a clumsya arse hoe!

"So there it is" whistled saiga appreciatively, wiping his N/A coloured hair out of his eyes. I presume its that long at least. He's keeping that pretty close to the chst. "pastures green"

The onve vibrant theme park was now a rusted out hulk of a thing, like a fucking horror movie set.

"this used to be a fun house!" sang bill bailey as he danced gaily around "but now it's full of evil clowns!" or so he guessed. It just seemed right for it to be so, y'know?

Mist pulsed around obscuring their vision. Tendrils of smoke curled from hisdden chimmneys. Rusted hinges crying out in terror only to be suddenly silenced/

"this place is even more overtly evil than I" said tom as he wiped blood from a cats face onto bills shoulder.

"lets go in and split up" said rukia cheeriliy. "it should be fine! Bill goes off by himself and so does tom, this leaves me and saiga alone to have the sex in a creepy old arkam asylum rip off. Ive always wanted to do that"

"go have a smoke break" saiga told her "I hear that's a pretty big boner killer"

But nobody had any cigarettes.

They strode up to the graet iron gate, and Saiga flung his left hand out. H concentrated on the angel flesh swirling at the edges of his consciousness, brought it to his power and began to neutralize the phase space between him and the lock.

The gate crashed opened with a BANG, but only because tom got ured of waiting and kicked it. The group walked in and the ghostly nature of the place began to work upon their minds.

They made their way past rat infested fairy floss stands and carousels with rapist clown faces or rapist horse faces-so basically jeniffer garner. Ignoring a childs desolate cry for help Saiga broke a window and clambered into the admin building. It looked like that building in the silent hill movie, all iron walls and filth. He went to unlock the door for the others but tom opened it an it hit him in the face as his hand stretched out to grasp the handle.

After robbing the cashier they continued further down a hallway.

"I found a USB stick" said bill bailey.

"ok" relied saiga.

On the walked until they came to a door. To the right of that door was a nother door in the wall. "bill" said saiga "check the room by yourself. Scream if you start dieing, ok?"

Bill shrugged and went in. "it's just a bunch of old fax machines and half of a printer."

"well keep looking" saigsaiga cherulyy ad he jimmied open the other door .

"I found a laptop" said bill. "and wait a minute… this usb contains twelve terrabytes of pornography!" there was the sound of a lock clicking shut from inside the room.

Saiga made aface and ten they all just left bill and went to the room. Inside was just a huge wall mirror.

"I bet theres a room behind the mirror" said rukia. There wasn't. and now there was broken glass everywhere. Thanks rukia.

"_how would you like to play a game? _" asked a disembodied voice from out of nowhere.

"fu-" began saiga before he was shoved out of the way by tom.

"old man Jenkins" said the wizard evenly, leaving no tells for the play.

"_if you like_" said the voice. "_but I woyld like to play a game with you, vagabond"_

Tom gave a thin smile."I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will find you, and I will kill you."

"_bold words for someone not on a unicycle"_ said te voice _"but firgive me if I remain unintimidated"_

Tom flash stepped over to a speck on te wall and ripped out a bundle of wires that was a camera and microphone. "I don't do requests". He used his wizard powers to trace the wires back to the voices location. "I don't leave loose ends. I don't –" he let iota a strangled gurk as he convulsed. His grimace turned into a grin "got you"

Tom facepalmed rukia and saiga and in that instant teleported them.

Saiga and rukia fell over. They skinned their knees. It hurt.

Tom leapt gallantly at old man Jenkins who blocked his punch and sprang back.

"you should know that im trained in gorilla warfare" said Jenkins and he leapt at tom with a front leg spinning back kick. "I know kung fu. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it"

Tom leapt to the side and used Jenkins leg to pull himself up fro an axe kick "and I studied under Watery at whamming house, so excuse me if I remain unintimidated"

Jenkins raised his arm in a block, catching tom on the calf. He slipped a knife out ad stabbed at him. "its knife to meet another student o wateries!" he shouted.

The knife sliced toms trouser leg but twisted badly and fell from jenkins's grip. As it clattered to the groing both combattants landed gracefully on oppoisite ends of the scale. Tom gave a smirk and waved his hand, the knife flying to his grasp.

"its too bad you'll never meet another" he hissed as the knife lengthened into a bigger knife.

"because you'll kill me, of because you killed him?" asked jenkis, retrieving a pair of knuckle disters engraved with holy symbols.

"yes" replied tom, slicing the knuckle disters off Jenkins hands.

Jenkins retaliated by retrieving a revolver and firing six rounds rapid into toms chest. The splatter misted his face.

But tom only laughed. "how do you beat a man who feels no pain? No fear?"

"cut off his bloody head!"

Tom cocked his head to the side "oh?" he chopped his had off. The head bounced over the floor as the body fell with a thwump. "because the last time I checked that was no good"

Jenkin reloaded his gun. "you fool! Now there is nothing that can stop me HAHAHAHAHA!"

"you're right" said toms head a bit muffled from facing the ground "it's like I completely forgot to bring backup"

The gun went off just as a dark orange octagon appeared in mid air. The billet flattened itself against the ossscilating shape.

Saiga raised his hand further, a murderes grin on his face. "it's lucky youre alone, if your friends wer here, _youd lose a lot of face_"

Jenkinz opened his mouth to respnd but didn't stop. His lips curled up and down respectively, scowcasing od man teeth. The skin was stretched to breaking pint and then just… split. Saiga gestured to the right and jenkins' face collided with the wall and slid lifelessly to the ground to rest in a blood uddle.

Under jenkinss face was… ANOTHER FACE! The skin was pitch black, his new hair silver an spikey. Jenkins gripped his chest and thrw off his overalls to reveal boly's outfit but recoloured red and white. When he spoke his voice was really cool like kirito's from sword art online but even cooler. You could tell his father was mr popo and goku and piccolo.

Across the room saiga was undergoing a transformation of his own. His hair became a layer of two tones, powder blue and whatever his normal one is probably brown. His eyes a red and whatever colour his eyes are normally swirl. That's it apart from getting paler but not in a pasty way. Even though he noe had suer psychic powers that was probably just prely asthetic. His face didn't change from the form of a saiga antelope though. Google that.

"who the hell are you you motherfucker?" shouted rukia.

"I am spudz, who are you?" he hadn't even noticed the girl, what sort of horror could conceal itself offscreen?

"I'm saiga" said saiga "and this is rukia"

"ok" replied spudz

"we're here for the nazianium" saiga threated "now give it to me"

"none of that nazi metal here, just good old fashioned Jew Gold"

Jew gold? Tht settled it. A lying jew would never tell that they had the jew gold. This bitch was hiding that nazi alloy in here somewhere.

Menwhile, far far away, spudz's master the space jew council sat around a table, their faces in shadow. Wide bilious cloaks made from elves shielded tehm. In front of then sat a viewing orb, displaying the interplay of violence that had befalled spudz.

"hehehehe" lauged a member cruelly, his comically huge nose quivering as it protruded from the cloaks lip. "looks like spudz, is going to be roasted"

"he always was a starchy character" quipped another.

"going to be mashed, he is" said a particularly small member.

"horohorohoro" lauhed another nobly "but do not forget his opponent. Saiga the pretender, the corruptor, saiga the yellow eyes demon"

"yes the ne responsible fro the incursion of voldemorts into our reality"

"his presence forbds us from closing the portals"

"he shoud not have tamperd with shiy he didn't know nuffinka boot"

"gentlemen" said a particularly prominent member "I have devised a scenario and it is all going according to my vagina"

"you made aplan for _this?_" a member gestured to the orb that showed ichigo loitering out the front of a hospital, barely acknowledging the trio of bald white skinned noseless voldemorts that were heckling aged smokers.

The prominent member nodded.

Saiga punched spuds in the face again, rocking he chair he was tied to. "where is it?" he shouted.

"I don't know who you are and I don't know what you want but get the hell off mu property!" spudz hollered wildly.

Siaga put on his bitch slapping glove daintily. "now see here!" he tried to cajole the tied up man, "space hitler pays me good money to get thses jobs done for him anne frankly I'd lke to keep on collecting my pay checks"

"space hitler?" asked spudz, and saiga knew that ws the wrong bit of info to let slip. "as in 'leader of the universe suer sayajin hitler?'"

"call him what you like" saiga feigned indifference, but his worry grew, just like his effeminate new pencil moustache.

Spudz began to chuckle, a sickly, harrowing, cloying sound. It rose inta a hacking laugher that was one order of magnitude more insane sounding than most villians.

Saiga started laughing too, safe in the knowledge that his laugh was way moe psychotic. "oh and by the way" he said slapping spudz and lighting up a cigarette in one of the ose long evil holders and putting it out on spudzs face. "the cake is a lie"

Then came the light. Spudz had become the legendary super space warrior, same as hitler! His silver hair became as gold as he powered the fuck up. He stood up, snapping the heavy chains binding him, pure energy filling the room with its glow.

Saiga cocked his head to the side, he hadn't known there was another sayajin besides hitler. He didn't even know if hitler knew. But if hitler knew about spudz then spudz must be working in tandem with hitler, and this was what? A trap? A test? But maybe spudz wasn't working with hitler, and was instead a part of an opposing faction? "very well milord" he said in oily tones. "I am bonded to serve the sayajin race"

"but you work… for my _FATHER!_" shouted spudz.

Saiga gasped audibly, this boy had four fathers? What had mr popo done….

"ive never met mr popo" he said

"seig heil, bitch" said psudz firing an energy blast.

Saiga thrw up his at field shield and the blast exploded against it. From behind his shield he grasped at the phase space and gave it a sharp stist, bending the light entering spudz eyes.

Spudz tripped over a fallen chair and knocked himself out.

"oh" murmered saiga. That was easy. He sent ruia off to get all the nazianium, because he hated manuel labour.

"weak shit" said the disembodied floating head of tom. "you call that winning?"

"hey, it was my first time, it's always awful on your first time"

"not so" rebuked tom, "you just need _instinct_"

"well, you cant expect a respectable time on your first"

Tom began to laugh but whirled around at the slightest hint of a sound. Two small catty children crept out of the shadows, it was the 2011 versions of wilykit and wilykat. "let me show you hw its done" he said. With children you ha to draw it out for laughs, not make the opponent die in half a second.

"please sir" said wilykat "we's but starvin orphans"

"even better" said tom.

"giv us but a crust" pleaded wilykit.

"I think I'll just kill you" toms wand levitated before him.

"wot wiv?" asked wilykat, holding up toms real wand. "dis?"

"or dis?" wilykit had all of toms money.

Tom smiled as the false wand wilykat had set aflame and the money turned into spiders.

"ok dat waz a test" the twins said, "to see if you was worthy of being our team leader"

"im team leader" said saiga "and I don't do kids"

"oh but I do" said the head of tom, "I'll take one of you as my apprentice"

Wilykat shook his head, "nah, we's a pair or nuffink else"

"it really don't work otherwise" chipped in wilykit.

Tom gave a thin chuckle, "I'll say it doesn't work otherwise. I take one of you as my apprentice"

The twins tried to leave. Tried.

"as with many things in my life" began tom "this will be settled in a deathmatch"

"no" said one of them.

"never" said the other.

Toms eyes promised that never was a very long time.

They shook their heads. Tom nodded. Another shake of the head. Ad then the cruciatus curse started. The heads shakes were shivers of terror.

"children please" tom implored, "stop this mindless resistance". He tossed a small knife near them.

But they wouldn't. sensing this ight take a while, saiga wandered off to find bill.

Back in the room saiga hoped that a spooky ghost had just passed through the walls, leaving ectoplasm everywhere, when suddenly… Cell Bailey entered!

It was cell that had aborbed bill biley! Imagine a bill bailey but give him a green patterned, armour like skin covering that negated clothes, black wings and knees that creaked every time he walked. The hair remained the same. The hair always remains the same.

The cries of children echoed around, perhaps tom was using the rock?

"so what's the dealeo with this shiznit?" queried saiga blearily. This was a retty startling development and stuff.

Cell baileys voice was… off, somehow. As though it didn't come from his mouth. "I thought I was perfect before" said the thing "but now I know that was but a lie to make myself feel better. I have a porpoise. I must absorb all the competent british comedians, and you will help me"

Saiga shrugged 'just so long as you keep driving the car"

They wandered back to where tom was and found wilykat in a pool of blood, the knife sticking out of his eye. Toms spine had lengthened out of his floating head and was encircling the blank faced wilykit in something resembling a hug, if it was drawn by an autistic toddler. Rukia was useful and walked in with all the nazianium, saiga was so surprised his brown hair became anime red.

Toms spine lengthened further, joining up with the spine in his still body, and dragging it in to the parody of a hug.

"good hustle" saig saiga, his voice clapping his enterage on the back in a manly sort of way. "now all we need to do is get back to hitler. What's the cooldown on your hearthstone rukia?"

"it's been stuck on 88:88 for a while now" said rukia, sitting atop furteen tons of nazianium ingots.

"have you tried turning it off and on again?" asked bill cell.

Rukia nodded.

"are you sure that its plugged in?"

"have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?"

"try patching the driver to the system call table"

"did you bathe it in kitten blood and have it struck by lightning on the solstice?"

The answer was no to all. This meant cell bailey was fresh out of ideas. MOTHER FU-

MEANWHILE IN THE VILLAGE HIDDEN IN THE CLOUDS!

The Yellow Deceiver strode through but a wisp, a sliver of his domain, his yellow cloak swirling as he did so, hiding his face behind darkness ungraspable. Doors opened themselves before him, and lowly ninja subjects groveled in his wake, doing their very best to think happy thoughts lest he smite their negativity with his golden fist. His very footsteps rang like the clearest crystal bell, on the brightest of spring days, leaving behind glowing footprints of some elegant, archaic design.

He swept through a set of impressive double doors at the end of a corridor, cutting the rest of the world off from that wonderful, heartwrenching, _joyous_ light he exhuded.

In the room the Deciever confronted the raikage Ayy! And his sexy assistant mabui.

2 HOURS

Saiga and his crew were driving through the gates of cloud village in their beat up old mystery mobile van.

"ok dudes" he said with a sure certainty "this place were going to now is the village hidden in the black guys and so we need to blend in as wiggers, everybody hand me your practice voices"

"if I do it phat enough will you bust a nut on me?" asked rukia.

"no" said saiga "but your language was aight"

"i refuse ta degrade mah dirty ass so, I be a proud as a muthafucka Englishman" was toms scathing reply.

Cell bailey said "How tha fuck is mah ghetto voice sir?"

"I bet ya I can still sound black wit mah guttersnipe accent, dawg" chirped in wilykit.

Saiga smiled to himself, his crew was alright.

EARLIER

Saiga n' his crew of merry pimps gots outta they van n' surveyed tha hidden black dude hood. It put Saiga up in mind of dat episode of pokemon tha bridged series wit tha hood n' tha grimers n' tha brock whoz ass can breed anythang.

"we should go ta a funky-ass bar n' trawl fo' rumours" holla'd cell bailey whoz ass had a paladin whoz ass couldn't roll lest damage thn 4D20's.

saiga nodded 'we should definizzlely split tha party. dat be a muthafuckin thang dat our crazy-ass asses hould do" he spun ta tom "go shake down some thugs up in a warehouse, teach tha kid tthe ropes"

And what tha fuck of rukia, biatch? her ass had ta follow his ass so her ass wouldnt ruin EVERYTHING! and so tha gang went they separate ways. like never ta reunite.

As they walked saiga consented to hold rukias hand and eat some takoyaki she bought him, because if he snubbed her all the time perhaps she would leave, and then where would he be when he got ichigo bak?

"lets go in there!" shrieked rukia as though saiga was standing at the oppoisye end of the room and not right next to her.

Saiga looked at the love hotel she had pointed out and frowned. Did he have to? But wait… the name… it was… the… Beware the Green Monkey! That was signifigant for some reason! He flshed rukia a charming smile "of course" and ran over to the door and yanked it open.

The inside was a grt deal bigger than you would previously assume just by looking, the checkered marble floor steatched out and loud pendulum sounds echoed ominously. There was a fancy red rope dangling from the immensely high ceiling, so saiga pulled iy. A loud gong reverberated through his bones, the vibrations giving rukia an orgasm. So he rang it again. And again and again.

"oh its you again" sighed a disinterested voice.

Saiga looked at the speaker, a pale, green skinned man with a red shirt and glowing eyes of the same colour. He rang the gong again.

The man sighed as the reverberants popped his stitches and his thumb fell off.

"yes" said saiga "its definitely us again"

"the girl wasn't here last time, but I don't deign to ponder the dukes whimes"

The duke? Who the flippin duck fuck could that be? "yeah, we got another appointment" saiga said grandoisly.

The red eyed mans expression didn't change the slightest, "follow me then, it'll be a cheat to give you the same test as before"

He led them over to a foire mans pole which they all grabbed on to and descended into pitch black. There was acrack and the stench of ozone as the pole sparked them. They fell onto a squishy mattress of spaghetti textured floor just as the lights came back on. There was no firemans pole or reds hirt.

Fucking cocknuggets! And speaking of ccknuggets…

Saiga recognized this scene, it was the devils snare trap from harry potter and the PHILOSOPHERS STONE!

"this is the devils snare scene from harry potter one" said rukia, glad she could be of help.

Saiga would have facepalmed if he was able to move his hands, but the fucking spaghetti vines had him manhandled, not that he wasn't used to that.

"we need to sit still and then well get out" cried rukia as she sat still. For some reason the vines left her alone completely.

FUCKING FETTECHINI! "rukia" said saiga with utmost regrets "I need you to ,and follow me on this one, almost suck me"

Rukia readily complied. She slithered over to hom like a sexual serpent , lithe and curvy and sensual. Her hands brushed over his pants in smooth movements, and slowly she began to unzip his fly.

Ok saiga you gotta keep it together here man an think of ichigo! Thought saiga. Its ichigo giving you the tender caress of love, yes, he's stoking you yes ye sye sye ysye wye "MY POWER IS MAXIMUM!" bellowed saiga as from bis now erect wanger, ejaculated a cursed fire of lust. It spewed forth like a volcano of abstract concepts and washed over the psagetty plant.

The pair crashed to the floor. Saiga stood wreathed in his flames of lust, it was burnig in his eyes, and burning in his dick that was waggling like a divinging rod. "this way" he said and walked to the only dooer in the room.

Therw ws a crayon message saying 'test room' on the door. They went in.

Inside was a majestic pool. Spanning the whole room in perfect water. A space duck in a judges outfit presides over the proceedings.

"look before you QUACK" it says impassively "you see QUACK a pod of dolphins. Go to QUACK tem"

Saiga nd rukia swam out to the dolphins. They were so happy an dplayful. So nice.

"you see they are raping and QUACK beating up a helpless Moemura"

Siaga saw that was indeed the case. Dolphions will be dolphins after all.

"construck a four act play detailing your social shortcoming using QUACK the se characters and I will QUACK judge its quality.

"tat looks awful" said rukia since she wasn't a broken sociopath.

Saiga turned to the dolphins "alright lads good hustle" he swept his arm in an arc, evaporating moemura. "but we need to getcha getcha getcha getcha head in the game"

The lead dolphin took out a cigar and began to smoke it "aright smerty briches" it squeaked out "gimmie da script"

"all in good time dolphin friend" said saiga turning to rukia. "tonight we dine in hell" he told her mildly as he caught a leaping dolphin by the flipper and punched it in the face.

"rush him lads" te head dolphin skeaked, and the rest dove in aquartic forever. "no one rustles out jimmies!"

It was a freaking bloodbath, saiga was powerful, but the dolphins cunning. As he was tearing the sine out of one with its adorable little hat, another used the necromancer move corpse expolsion, destroying its friend and causing saiga twenty percet of its full health as damage.

Saiga grew enraged, ripping the head off one dolphin with his thighs, and thrusting it treuogh the guts of another. When it came to the last dolphin he dropped his trousers a the thing lay quivveering in the water, the blood of its comerades washing over it.

"I hope you like blowhole rape" said saiga "because that's what your getting for Christmas!"

There was a sound like agunshot and rukia lowerd the gun she had just shot. The now dead dolphin drifting away. "sorry" she said a little inscincerely "I was aiming for its kneecaps"

Saiga shrugged his whatevers. "what say you now Fuckstick McDuck?"

"you have passed the test QUACK" said the duck "the dolphins were skilled performers and the play would have been QUACK exquisite but they would have turncoated and raped you onstage during the final act QUACK"

Saiga nodded. Of course yo should never trust a dolphin. Vile feinds.

The room drained out down a massibe plug gole in the centre of the room and they were caught on a spider web. A fat spiderman danced to electro pop while the words 'problem solved' flashed over his head.

The red sombie man came to greet them "congratz now follow me."

Siag and rukia follow his through a labyrinthian maze of a building, passing petting zoos and nerds playing DnD. They were deposited in fromt of a plain red door with a handle in the center. They went in.

Inside was a lavish room swathed in lavender silks. Perched on a sex chair was amn wearing but a powdered wig and a thong. He noticed them and waved a hankercheif gailey at them.

"ooh my~" he said coyly and hiding behind his palms theatrically "what would a strapping young lad like yourself want with little old me?".

Saiga gave him a wtf face "who are you?"

The man gave a fanciful giggle, "why I'm the duke murderfist~"

"wasn't I supposed to rape you or something" saiga asked.

"om my I sure do hope not~" said te duke, waggling his posterior in the air like some cheap tart.

Saiga flash stepped over and punched him in the head. The wig fell to the floor. It was like punching iron. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU CK!" shouted saiga in pain. He looked at the man and narrowed his eyes.

"sir cockwell?"

"nuh uh" said duke Mfister "I'm the duke"

"no your definitely sir cockwell who hired he to mess up the duke's shit, so why would you be impersonating the duke when I came here to-oh I see" saiga stepped back. "this is a violation of our contract"

"outrageous~" quieffed sir cockwell "deploy the LSD~"

Drugs sprayed into the room in affine mist causing saiga to hallucinate a IchiRukiSaiga sex scene which looked real and felt super real. The next thing he knew wer a lot of elbows and knees and a wall that kept running into his face.

Puella madoka music payed in the background as mahiro ran for his life, the sky was red, the moon was full, and he was dying to sink his teeth into something. A thousand score nightgaunts and other lovecraft based demons chased him. He battered the walls of his reality futily, hoping, wondering. His fist red red with blood, but not his blood. His strength spent, mahiro sank to the ground in utter exhaustion as the feinds closed in.

_Why don't you make a contarct with me?_ Asked the voce of a child in his mind, if the child was voice acted by a black hole.

He looked up.

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

No. no. no.

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

It wasn't. _if you make a contract and become a magical girl you can wish all your problems away._

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

Kyubey. No. mahiro gaped in fear. He couldn't. ／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

"I'll save you mahiro-kun!" shouted a silver haired green eyed girl in the voice of a london thug. She used her space cqc to destroy everything ever.

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

"now we can final be together mahiro" nyarko said in exageratedness.

／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼

"I wish" said mahiro "I wish, to be the greatest, I wish" he whipped out a gun "for you to die. He shot the kyubey.

"haha yeah" said naryko returning to her non irritating demeanour. "now lets go fight Mayan/Aztec superhuman vampire eaters awakened to threaten the world. And be totally fabulous while doing it."

They oadred a magical unicorn and flew offa mid showers of rainbows.

In the tavern bill the cell was regaling some old chums with a tale of his prowess "So I got into a fight today at top shop.  
I was standing at the magazine rack, pulling the discs out of OXM outer wraps…basically just minding my own business…and then some kid wearing a Soulja Boy shirt stepped to me quite improper  
first off, he bumped me.

second off, he flipped the edge of the OXM I was pilfering, in a threatening way as he passed, and then goes… PS3.. fayg.  
i was like…'yeah, I'm brand neutral but you don't need to inform me that you suck off your friends for free, because that's already obvious. thanks for bumping into me though, dickface'  
actually i only got to the 'friends for free' part and he was all up in my face, grabbing the magazine out of my hand and telling me how his older brother was gonna kick my ass.  
i DID think of the rest later on though  
now, normally i try to avoid violence – mostly because my awesome Puerto-Rican Judo and Brazilian Jujitsu skills must be kept in check, or they could cause serious damage. if i punch the ground hard enough, I'm pretty sure i could split the world in half…or at least knock some stuff off a table nearby.  
but this kid was asking for it, so i lulled him into a false sense of security by apologizing and assuring him that i would procure an ice cream cone of any flavor he chose, as a peace offering. this seemed to confuse him, but make him cautiously optimistic about the situation, which is when i chose to deliver a jumping front kick to his throat, knocking him back several feet into the Young Miss section where he got tangled up in a Bratz bed canopy and then lurched sideways into rack of Stussy activewear…JUST AS I HAD PLANNED!  
since he was incapacitated, i reached behind me for something large and heavy to pound his face with.. but it was all sheet sets, bedspreads, duvet covers and such…when i turned back around he was already back in my face and he had a hanger in his hand. i managed to block the first shot with my left arm, but when i tried to counter with a right jab, he got me in the ribs with the end of the hanger and dropped me to one knee….which left me open to vicious and repeated face kicks, followed by a Garmin GPS display unit to the head.  
at this point i really needed to even things up so i went for the double hammer fist to the nuts….a staple move from the knees…cliche really – but i admit i was desperate. i wasn't gonna let a punk in a soulja boy shirt beat up an awesome Englishman like me, wearing sensible trousers, my finest tweed jacket, a bowler hat and smoking a mahogany pipe.  
the second i made contact, he grunted and crumpled to the ground like a sack of wet grass.  
for a moment or two i considered continuing the pounding to get even MORE even, but then a top shop employee (surprisingly!) showed up and asked if anything was wrong.  
i looked at her, then back down at soulja punk and said "no, nothing's wrong. but could you do me a favor?"  
she said 'no' and turned around to walk away, unconcerned that an unconscious person was laying in the aisle surrounded by defaced Wally World merchandise…but i pretended like she said 'yes' and stayed to listen, so i could make my exit the proper way.  
i turned back to the crumpled loser who was starting to rouse from his coma of nut pain and said triumphantly as i stepped over him "I need a price check…." then stopped to push him back to the ground with my foot as i continued "…on bitches."  
wrote the OXM discs off and left through the outdoor gardening area exit feeling like i had just made the world a better place…because i had."

"kumanemehah" said a Viking dressed chap who was also wearing a gaudy green necktie."'topshop!"

"topshop" said his Viking friend who was also wearing a gaudy green tie. He punctuated this with a tap on the bar.

"oh my yes" said cell bailey quaffing at his pint.

"topshop!" said the first Viking.

A boy by the name of ryan clapp sauntered u to cell bill and becan abusing him with talks of one of the most boring games in the history of ever "605 triple spin off of the ufo in favela spinning in the air hit maker your mom then fuk ur mom throwing knife at the wall no scope 360 triple headshot silent shot xXxUrDoNeKidxxx alex garcia'd ur mom while playing pokemon then pull out my m9 and shoot ur mom then see u in the corner of my eye ur done kid shoot ur face off sphagetti everywhere ur done m8. next round of search and destroy i see you trying to run fuck that kid im jumping off the airplane on terminal get another hit maker off of ur mom slaped ur moms face with my dick knock her out shes fainted like the pokemon i was playing with earlier 890 degress 1080 headshot collateral on the whole xbox live party including you round over our team won ur gettin delete off of the leader board kid ur fukin done.. boom"

Bill examined the unpleasant bot with a mild exression "hey gurl lemme holla at ya, ya want SOME FUCK!" he swung his manly fist at the miscreants head.

The snotty kids head blew up and bill turned back to his chums "so as I was saying-"

Ichigo swung, his chainsword roaring through an astral beasts spirit neck. He glared up at his hated emies still frame, finn the human boy! Ichigo howled as another astral beast landed before him in an extcacy of writhing ghost flesh.

Hawke pierced it with her lance. The razor tip slicing through muscle and bone, then continuing on like the march of technologies progress, to skewer another hell beast through his dick-eye. That is to say, both the eye of his penis and the extra eye he keeps on his genetals to warn him of impending rape, a lesson you yourself shoul take to herat kind reader.

Finn in his glowing from of gold, descended from the hilltop, all manner of creatures perishing in his wake like fallen champions unable to hold out against evil any longer. "this is my realm" said the boy in a voice he couldn't own. "I hope you've found the answers you seek, because my mood id non charitable".

He spat a bolt of fire-fluid that hawke managed to deftly catch on her lance. The piercing instrument glowed red hot, melting down to its component atoms as was its new masters command.

Ichigo and hawke clapsed hands and flew off into the upper stratus, beckoning the boy overlord with a crude display of taunts and gestures.

Finn narrowed his cruel eyes and took flight after them, he was as a prawn hunting its prey of pond scum, such was their difference in strength. He stretched out his noodle arm and shot a mithril chain into the moon. He swung it as a mace, battering the battle couple out of the sky. He swung again, breaking the orbital chunk against the earth, and wiping out all of Antarctica as collateral.

It was the second impact

That ichogo and rukia had felt fro that moon, and they were exorbitantly glad it would not occur again. With a dual nod they enacted plan 257b.

They hefted a moon half, as if testing it's weight, and began to craft. Ichigo bled, his blood streaming onto the moon that was no longer a moon. His wizardly magic staining his eyes totally white, he accessed the power of the force, and with amighty push, used both powers to shape the moon half into a delicate man the size of half a moon.

An aura pulsed around hawke, as veins cropping up on the moon man pulsed with what was her menstrual blood. "Slaanesh! Tzincht! Robocop! West!" she chanted with dead fey spells.

The titanic man straigntened with a deafening creak of moon limbs. His pitch black eyes surveyed the landscape and when he spoke, his bass rumble caused the very air to heat up via molecule friction, "this form is too large" sir Cornish pouted.

"not a good time!" shouted ichigo poiting at the tyrant of end times.

Finn laughed and sir Cornish was reduced to dust. "why did you even both to entertain the notion that victory could be assured?, oh well time to die!" he raised his left hand high, unfathomable energies crackling at his fingertips ready to destroy our hero's!

Finn stiffen with a strangled gurk, his ethereal glow faded to something merely blinding, and he plummed to earth not in fire, but a streak of light resembligh angels wings. Blood pourded from his eye sockets, staining the oceans. His blood became guns. And guns tthat shoot guns. And guns that shoot guns that shoot chainsaw bullets.

"your lucky my master wants you aliove" said finn in a passable voice "not sure what jkhjdhfmj-" his words ceased as he was about to say his lords name, for the boy had exploded in another dimensions.

"we really need to figure out what's going on" said ichigo, his voice grim as he and hawke both took up their swords once more, and hacked the face off an astral beast in a visceral spray.

So listen guys, I apologise for the rertarded authors note last time, I was so drunk like you would not believe. But that being said weeaboo's should all die and this story needs way more reveiwes, so pleae stop playing with yourself for five minutes to leave one _if you can just about be bothered._


	4. Trian guy was drunk

The heady perfume coiled through Saiga's senses, the reek of lavender and of some sort of essential oil rendering his already light head a Ferris wheel of sensation. Soft mauve lights played against the tasteful wallpaper, giving the room a voluminous, almost romantic vibe.

He shook his head, as if to clear it of Rukia's ecstatic, labored breath, as he did the sex with her. He shut his eyes to her rapturous face, and when he opened them again, his imagination successfully over-laid an image of Ichigo's face. _Yes_, Saiga thought, _much better._

This increase of attention from saiga brought rukia to the boil, she began to whinny like some Japanese pornstar. Saiga increased his pace, imagining it was ichigo's bumhole, and as he jizzed _everywhere _all up in rukia_,_he cried out his orgasms_ "_BANKAI!".

A single tear ran down his cheek.

But his job was not done yet. His sexings with rukia served a purpose twofold. One was to keep her happy and around so he could complete his set, and the other was he needed cover to be in the brothel. Logically the only way to do this was to send rukia in as a disposable sex worker, who was secretly not disposable like all of the other unnamed prostitutes(bless their golden hearts), so they could gather some valuable information. 

The infor mation they ha to gather was of the occurrence of the voldemort invasion, there were jut o many voldemorts EVERYWHERE! Voldemort as a reallt creepy child that Dumbledore inexplicably missed as being an unhinged sociopath. Teenage tom riddles, slightly older teenage tom riddles, tom riddle in his early twenties reading a heat magazine. Pale faced tom riddles, tom riddles going through a gay phase but finding no one to have sex with because his eyes were fucking red and his skin was pale and shit like a leukemia pateints. Eriously, would you want to have sex with alukima patient? I know I wouldn't. that'd be so friggin awkward! You's be wondering 'is lukiemia of the contagious variety?'! but it' NOT YOU IDIOT! LUKIMIA PATEINTS NEED SEX TOO! WHY WONT YOU GIVE THEM ANY?! WHY?! Just go nad smoke your cigarettes you dipshit! We don't need your bigoted kind here! Stop being disrespectful to lukiemina patients! They don't deserve you hate! And voldemorts when he was finally all snake like with no nose, who should be a competent villain but he's so dumb! Stop doing what dumb voldemort tells you to do you facking RETARD! And tom riddles who are posing as scaly voldemort so they can seduce Bellatrix, and fifty year old voldemorts who've finally realized that no one can fill his sexual needs, not because they're weird or anything, but because he's so evil and queer looking. Not that I want to judge but making out with a noseless magic man whose so plae he's out sparkle EWDARD would be just uncomfortable.

All of those voldemorts.

This was the vital imformation that saiga was fater. He was after that sort of vital information. That information was vital to his plot. SO FUKING VIATL!

Saiga, now jolted back into non ihigo awreness, gazed in dismay at the super grinny form of rukia, who he still had his dick in. IT WAS LIKE BEING ATTACKED BY A DEMONIC SHAKIRA! HER HIPS DON'T LIIIIE! But he must press on. That magic three some was at stake.

The angelflesh sequestered within his left arm bubbled beneath his skin, writhing and coiling. The itching tickle mounted as a great roiling gobbet of meat rose in a twisting cyclone formation, coilig out and onto the ground where it detatched, squirming on the floor. The heap of human skin and purple fleshmeat gave a last struggling thrash and became another saiga.

"fkaaaaah…" hissed the first saiga. That had hurt a bit. He continued to plow rukia to take his mind off of things.

"sup bitch" quipped the second saiga, giving his muscles a test flex.

The first saiga turned a multi hued gaze upon him, "ah I've been expecting you"

"you called me to be here" returned the second saiga with those same red and brown eyes.

"which is why I've been expecting you!" saiga the first finished the little charade with a _grin_.

Their witty repartee was broken with a shrill whinny from rukia.

The second saiga blinked and opened his mouth as if o speak, but closed it again. He blinked twice more and said "the new show _Elementary_ about sherlock holmes is going to be a great show"

"get out" whispered the first saiga in a dread whisper.

"but-" started the second saiga.

"get. Out."

The other saiga left, but not before swiping rukias level one access card that she got for being a low class dick sucker at the brothel. He let the door shut, blocking out the sexings, and strode up along the lavishly decorated hallway.

He passed some sort of Lolita fetish model, to which he gave a eird look and pulled his head back a bit at her questioning glance, before stopping at a very futuristic looking circular doorway. He slid his level one access card through the slot at the side and the door opened with a pneumatic hiss. He stepped through and it slammed shut behind him.

Klaxons wailed and a red light flashed over his head. INTRUDER ALERT said a warning system helpfully, ACCESS CARD GAINED BY A NON PROSSIE. Saiga opened his mouth and kept it open, how could they even tell? It was just ridiculous! But oh well. He ran for it, the red light bobbing alongside him.

Saiag sprinted faster then he ever ha before, rounded a corner and BLAMMO! Crashed headlong into a person shaped person.

"kyaa~ ah PISS!" he exclaimed in pain.

The person who had been crashed into also expressed his unhappiness at the thing that just happened. "an shitnugget!"

"wait…" saiga murmered. He knew that voice. "captain katsura! You slippery bunyip!"

"saiga?" asked katrusra in surprise times. "saiga vi brittania!"

"how are ya katsu?" saiga said at his old times mate.

Now I know what youre thinkin', but it's not that captain katsura. It's just another guy who's called Katsura and is also a captain. He's polish, even. He and saiga went to highschool together briefly in the seventies.

"I am well" said katsura "I am here with my boyfriend" he gestured to a _big muscley man_ looking out of a card locked room wearing only one of katsuras shirts, "he's name is JoJo"

"no kiddin'!" saiga cocked his head to the side, "I'm here with a set piece, rukia, to infiltrate the compound and get some restricted info"

"no way" katsura smiled "me too"

"don't tell me" said saiga. "it's about the –"

"incursion of voldemorts into our reality" they cried in unison. "Yeah!"

"kick ass!" said katsura giving saiga a highfive which saiga flubbed and fistbumped instead.

Saiga shook off the embarrassing gaffe. "c'mon Kastu! Team up?"

"it's a match made in heaven" said katsura. "but it's not as good as our heaven" he turned to Jotaro JoJo Jostar esquire III with a lusty busty gaze.

"ultra gaaay" jeered saiga as he got up and dusted himself off.

The three of them ran off and beat up some heavily armed guards who were in the way. They were obstructing their forwad motion.

An insectiod claking reverberated throughout the furtristic brothel halls, a baffling click clack. Saiga held up his hand to indicate a cease moving. "I took it from the lord sick with justice" he muttered dogmatically as he took a stencil from his pocket, bit a cut in the ball of his thumb and fulled in the stencil gaps. "been burn in hell Queen of the ocean" he retrieved a very ordinary looking gun and with a final "weapon… I have it all!" jammed the barrel through floating blood symbol with a bright flash of golden light.

The barrel was now ornate with gold filigree, elegant flanges and was obviously magical. Script swarmed over the metal in ever changing patterns.

They moved on.

Amoured attack droids sporting humorously placed dildo's swarmed from air vents, shimmering with forcefeilds, their segmented bug legs tipped with high speed penetrative vibration knives. It was clear regular weaponry would not dent this force, they required a special touch.

A touch of magic.

Saiga fired, a bright flash, a sound of metal snapping, and the front most droid went down, a gaping red hot hole in it's carapace.

Katsura stamped the ground and a wall of floor rose to cover them.

"FUCK OFF KATSU MATE!" shouted Saiga, "I'm trying to get my big mac on!"

Katsura shook his head "just redaw that symbol for me, and I will show you how it is done"

"don't be a kill stealer!" but saiga complied anyway, coz they was mates.

Katsra plunged his fists through the floating sigiol, immaculate and lacy white gloves appearing over his hands. "TRANSMISSION OVER!" he screamed and headbutted the wallfloor which shattered like glass. He leapt over to the nearest driod and punched it on the face, causing the entire construct to just explode everywhere.

Saiga sniffed haughtily, there was no need to be a showoff like that. He emptied his 14 mag clip and killed the rest of the droids.

"oi katsu" he said and they gaffed another high five. "since were on the same mission here, dyou know where mavarov is? My digivice wont cough up any more info"

Katsura nodded. "I've heard tell that he's on the sub basement level, living the life of a hermit"

Saiga gritted his teeth. Those greedy hermits, always taking more from his tax payments than was necessary. He shook off the growing tide of pure rage, "well it's a good thing I have an level one access card or wed never be able to get there"

They crpts past the broken husks of droids and through another circular door which led into some sort of sex rave. As they belnded in with the crown snippets of conversation could be heard.

"punch the hoverboard eat the swingset!"

"we can punch it if we want to…"

"see thi dick I'm suckin'? _ALL_ fake"

"parental guidance was the best movie ever"

At that last one, saiga didn't know if it was the losso f blood or the brain damage caused from hearing that sentence that was blurring his vision, but he did know that he would find that person. And he would happily gut them with a smile on his face.

But they were hard to pick out in the crowds.

Up on a elevated platform carly rae jespsen showed off her true form and her true voice, the goblin king from the hobbit movie and barry Humphries respectively. It gave saiga the weirdest boner.

"hot night skin was showing" she sandg, swaying her scrotal neck flap in time with the music, causing a leather clad freak the cream himself, drowning apportion of the crowd in his fervor. "where you think you goin babby?"

Up on yet another plith, the d_b_sm entepeneur, the pornstar queen mistress missy ezaporated a partcularly snooty cword of hipster with the feiry beath of her vagina.

There was a slow clapping that nobody heard or kept goinf gecause that dang blasted rave music WAS TOO LOUD.

FUCK.

Saiag , katsura and jojtarojojojostar moved onwads. Shoving aside naked ladies they barged through a door and charged to an elevator. It opened with a ping.

"there's no sub basement button'' saiga mused, perusing the list.

"that is not a problem comrade" said katsura, carefully vanishing a segment of floor large enough to slip through. He and jojo fearlessly lept down the proverbial rabbit hole because there were no actual rabbits.

Saiha hmm'ed and waved his access card in fron of an optical senseor. The concealments on the subbasement button lited so he pushed it with his thumb. The litf trundled merrily down the tracks.

He exite the lift.

"how did you get it to work?" asked katsura.

"I just used my access pass" replied saiga. "didn't you get one from jojo working here?"

Katsura shook his head. "e just rented a room out"

Clapping katsura on the shoulder saiga put on his wisedom voice "see, it's called planning ahead mate"

"I still got here faster than you"

"fuck off"

There was d orr and they went yup to it. But it needed a level two access pass.

Jojo knocked politely on the door and it opened to an enthusiastic "hello" from a voice somewhere inside.

They went in.

It looked like some shut in computer geeks place, if the shut in was old wrinly short and green.

"mavarov?" queried saiga.

The tiny humanoid nodded serenely.

He decided to cut straight to the chase. "we need to know about the voldemort incursion"

Mavarov began to convulse, as though stricken by the seizure devil. His voice gained a multi toned effect, a dark cadence echoing in his shrieking cry, "_Shadow Pico!"_

"SHADOW PICO!"  
"SHADOW! PICO!"

And then he exploded.

"your thoughts?" inquired saiga mildly.

"foreign art film?"

Saiga coughed out a laugh. "well I wouldn't put it quite like that, but my first thought was boku no pico, with that being the only reference to the word pico that I know"

Katsura looked a little quesy "I wany nothing to do with that"

Saiga fixed him with a long, hard stare. "sometimes you have too, following this path we call hero. In your quests to save as many people as possible, occasionally you'll have to take one you don't want. Tthey sneak up on you from behind and jam into you constraints that you may not want, but you need. Life as an hero will have rigid rules, and hard structure. It'll pound you with problems. But the question you've gotta sk yourself is this: do you wanna go into this with a flaccid outlook, or do you want it hard and fast, do you want to be full of blood, do you want your PRINCIPLES TURGID? DO YOU WANT TURGID PRINCIPLES?!"

"ok eough, with the boner refernces" said katsura holding his hands up in defeat "I get it"

"do you katsu? Do you?"

Katsura sighed "lets just go over what we know. The main problem is the voldemort incursion, and te only lead he whave so far is 'shadow pico': what do we do now?"

"trawl fro rumours in a tavern?" sked jojo.

"I already have cell bailey in that shit" sid saiga.

Saiga shook his head "never mind that for now, lets just get out of here and find our crews, regroup nd make a plan"

"our crews?" queried katsura.

"yes. Lets meet" saiga handed him a ticket "on this cruise"

"well ok but-"

"and by the way kastu" said saiga "I'm not the real saiga" he turned into dull red energy and zoomed away back to his original boddy.

Katsura rubbed the ridge of his nose and gave an aside glance, "transmission over, huh?"

**Chapter four: The train guy was drunk**

The crusie ship was particularly large, luxurios to the point that the queen would feel right at home. To katsura the opulence was unnerving, wasteful. You could make so many munitions with the waste product.

To say nothing of the scene bfore him.

Supaer sayajin three hitler loundged on a large pouffe, his screamingly loud hawaian shirt contrasting the otherwise military drudgery. He stirred a pina colada with a marichino cherry on a toothpick.

Saiga sat to his immediate right, serrupticiously fiddling with his bosses huge blode hair, which looked ever so soft.

Saiga's ex(?) girlfriend, katsura wasn't quite sure what was going on there, sat to saiga's right shooting him honey eyed glances and taking large swigs out a flask that smelt lke the strongest of moonshine, the stench enough to make him gag from over here.

To hitlers left sat a youth in a snappy grey suit w/ purple tie, conducting a length o wand that forced two men to strangle each other to death in front of a baying crowd.

To the young mans left was a small girl who was wearing _quite a lot_ of black leather, buckles, wire mesh and eye makeup. It could have been cute, as in a child who's trying too hard to be scary, if she weren't eating what was obviously a fried human hand.

And somewhere at the back was bill bailey, wearing cell cosplay.

Katsura sat nervously, holding jojo's hand. "well, I don't have a crew, but I do have a unicorn" he gestured to behind him.

The sulky looking unicorn tossed it's head and gave them a look that plainly stated he was only here because jojo and katsura were more fabulous thatn he "'Sup" it said. "I'm Sparklelord"

No one seemed to be listening, which exactly mirrored katsura's film studies class where everyone just smoked pot all the time. He nudged saiga with his foot.

"how did you end up the CEO's understudy for the biggest company in te universe?" he asked him nervously.

Saiga's fac lit up and katusra knew he'd made a mistacke. "well this is a story all about how my life got flip turned u side down, now hold on just a minute and sit right there I'll tell you how I became the CEO's understudaire!"

Rukia began dropping a tasty beat.

"Australia was wherei was born and raised, killing animals was how I spent most of my days! Choppin' hackin' and whackin all cooll, whicle shooting dingoes outside of school! But then a copla guys who were up to no good startin killin jews in the naybourhood, I killed one too, my mom shook my hand and she said 'go work with hitler in berlin!' I whistle for a speer and when he came near his liscence plate said fresh and had dice in the mirror! I said naw foget it ya dirty technocrat, I'me hitch a ride with hitlers instant tansmission! He pulled up at Germania about sevun or eight I looked at my new job I was finannly there to work as SS3Hitler's new right hand man extrorinaire! "

"I'll admit" said katsura "that wasn't what I expected you to get up to with your life"

"he always thought you'd be unemployed" chipped in jojo so katsura hit him on the arm.

Siga shrugged "well what can I say? I just watched all of tengen toppa gurren lagan, felt inspired, and bought a one way ticket for success on the magic pimp buss"

The air was suddenly thick with dread, trickles of blood dripping from cruise goers ears and mouths and eyes. One by one their heads exploded.

"do not mention the Simon in front of me" snarled hitler, popping the heads of a loving family with his otherworldly might.

Saiga was about to start humming ROW ROW FIGHT DA POWA under his breath, but thought better of it. "sorry space warriror hilter"

"next tiem I shall not be so lenient" said hitler as cell baileys head regrew.

Katsura squeezed jojo's hand, "no luck with them voldemorts then?"

"it's just the one voldemort actually" chipped in rukia as cell bailey muttered about how 'no one tells him nothin'.

"katsu, look" said saiga not looking at him and still futzing with hitlers massive blond coifeur. He pulled abreifcase out from under his chair. "this is precisely the amount of fucks I give"

Katsura noted the briefcase was empty.

"so you're basically going to give up of stopping the incursion and finding out what shadow pico is?"

"no"

"no?"

"no" repeated saiga. "those are just steppind stones to something far greater" he clasped his hands and closed his eyes. "there is a power in this 'verse, katsu, a power that is infinite, infinite lke you've no idea. So many have tried to find it, to harness it, but tey were looking in all the wrong places. Some will tell you this power is love, but theyre bearded deluded fools." Saiga looked katsura right in the eye, "no, you need half 'device' and half 'enlightenment'. I had my device once, but it as stolen from me. Dragged kicking and screaming from my grasp, and no matter how self aware I get about the nature of the power I'll never have it like I did before. The incursion. Shadow pico. Trifles, unworthy of my caer. I will have my device back, and it only helps" saiga gave a smile worthy of onani master kurosawa. "that it's my husbando"

"why are you telling me this?" whispered katsura, wonder lashing his face.

Saiga's smile became even more complex "rules are made to be broken"

"some rules cannot"

"Be that as it may" said saiga as he took out his morning paper and trailed off as he read an article about forced nipple sodomy.

Rukia took another swig of her flask.

Hitler seemed to rouse himself froman alcoholic stupor "saiga" he intoned gravely "we must press fowrad on our business"

Saiga circled something in the paper and moved onto The Phantom comic.

Hiters eyes narrowed, his moustache bristled, and he spoke once more with cold finality "work. Voldemorts. _Now_"

"ha" saiga snorted "yeah in a sec. have you seen this beyond te black stump strip?" he asked wilykit.

The air contorted under pressure (dun dun dun dund udndun ice ice babby) and hitler leant over and ripped off rukias arm, using it to pimpslap saiga.

"the jokes on you space hitler" said saiga "I don't need her to give me a wristie, two handed or otherwise" he tore off rukias other arm and used it to high five the arm hitler was holding. He so didn't need her sausage wallet presently.

"nein nein motherfucker" spat hitler jamming the syump back into rukis shoulder "seriously though, comply now or this tale will end"

"haha" saiga laughed "well of course I'm going to comply now, you so generous masterrace"

Katsura wondered how saiga could be so vlase about trolling hitler, he barely paid that any heed as he helped rukia get medical attention.

"then you know what needs yto be done"

"yes" said saiga "we make the enemy watch Jack Reacher this will cause their orale to drop"

Hitler bloodied his nose with a deft punch "no you dolt you must pump this shadow pico for information and stop the incursion"

"but what if shadow pico is the mastermind?"

"pump him"

"you want me to pump pico?"

"I want you to pump pico"

Saiga's crew and Katsura plus jojo were in their automotive transportation vehicle aplty named Brum. Brum. Brumbrumbrumbrum.

They scooted down the dirt highway in a comcal fashion, dodging zombies, xenomorhs and mutant scientologists-which is to say all of them.

There was a beeping sound.

"wowee zowee wowwee my wrist communicator is beeping" said siaga in surprise, reading te message it had for him.

This took a while as saiga couldn't read.

"STOP THE CAR!" he shouted angrily to cell bailey who jammed the accelerator on full, propelling everyone out the windscreen because fuck seatbelts. The group crashed heavily on the ground, all dogpiled atop cell bailey who wa weeping in pain at the bottom of the heap.

"what the shit?" asked katsura dusting himself off and helping jojo to his feet. As an afterthough h helped up rukia because no one else was going to bother.

Tom kicked willykit to her feet, "land on your feet next time, nippledicks, I do not tolerate clumsiness"

"course sir" hacked out willykit, mauve light already magiking her broken ribs healed.

"or contact is here" said saiga with an air of supreme smugness.

"who in the ruddy cunt of it would be our contact our ere eh?" asked cell bailey.

Saiga looked at his wrist computer again, tapped it with his finger, deciding that it was likey twelve noon. "I found him in a wanted add in the papers, I believe his name is-"

A fell swooshing cut him off, as gargantuan darkness hawking down from the sky as a hundred thousand amorphous dickbats. The sun was blotted out for but an instant as the heaving mass hovered overhead for a split second before divebombing to their general location. The mass hit with a sickening *splud* and reformed into a man shaped object.

This newcomer had a princely air, and an even princelier moustache. His dark hair at stakr contrast with his slightly crimson skin, like an especially bad sunburn, but not so sickly looking. His modest brown jacket swilred in the breeze his entrance creted.

"Rend Niggerhand!" crowed saiga.

"saiga" rend greeted him with a small smile.

"how are ya ye poncy potato head?"

"I'm surprised you have any friends" rend replied with a smile on his eyes.

Katsura couldn't really see why he was called niggerhand, unless it was because he ws wearing only one black glove? Perhaps he'd had a hand transplabt with a blacj guy?

"and I'm surprised you managed to clean the cum stains out of your hair"

The two shook hands.

"wots he doing here saiga?" asked rukia coyly.

"he's the newest member of our little pastiche, we need a guide to shadow pico remember"

Rukia shrugged fair enough.

"we already have seven party members" said cell bailey "howre you gonna keep track of an eighth?"

"youre fired" shouted saiga suddenly.

"oh" said billcell. "I still get my exit fee right?"

Saiga nodded and went over to brum to retrieve steven fry: ntional treasure and tossed the unconscious comedian before cell bailey.

The green bill eagerly extended his tail, the tip opening up like a crack whores vagina, ready to consume steven fry national treasure.

"at any rate" saiga said to rend "you have to prove you can hack it with us, so kill cell bailey as atoken"

Rend shrugged and etreived an elongated shotgun from his person.

"It wont work," said cell bailey as he underwent an enormous transformation "you've no idea how much power luks in SFNT. I am no longer cell bailey. I AM CELL BILLEVEN: NATIONAL TREASURE!"

Rend cocked his shotgun at cell billeven: national treasure's head.

"oh and cell billeven: national treasure" said saiga mildly "tell my wife 'hello'"

The gun went off and cell billeven: national treasure's head exploded. Everywhere.

But that would be just too easy. Like a quientin tarinteno film cell was back; with a vengeance.

Rend grit his teeth and brought his gloved hand to his face. One by one he loosened the fingers with his teeth and tore the glove off through a shower of black sparks.

He does jsyt have a black guys hand noted katsura. Until, that is, the hand became odd and painful to look at directly, it geometry firmly non Euclidian.

"sum of a!" said rend in surprise and his nigger hand engulfed cell billeven withought a thought and turned its proably eye onto saiga.

T̯̲̟͉̰o ͎͓͓̖̦i҉̙̲n̬̪̝͍͚̱͖͜v͓̼̖͖o̝̜̙̞͖ͅḳ͎͇e̘̠͟ t͞h͍ḛ̺̞͍̥̲̙ ̡͇̥̤ͅh͚͚̳̤͎̭͈͜i̷̯̱̺̤̹v̬̮͉͓̯̞͔e̢̫-̱͍̙̲̙̱m̘͕̼̳̮̬i̬̘n̠d͏̩̙͇̩ ̞̲̗̠̗̲r̯̟̯͟e̹͚̖̮̞̠͢p̮͉̩̯͔̝̙r̲̼e̩̜̯̘͎͢s̞͔͖̣͞e͇̞̝͡n̲̙t͙͙i̫̠̩̲̼̭̳n͖g͖̻̝̭̘͝ ͏̼͙̣c̵̻͇͎h̡̠̼̦͈̰a̷ơ͙̲͇̥s͈͓̖̦͇͢.͓̯̤̦̼̥͎͠ ̖̤̩̻̤̮  
̴̻̲I̴͍̗͓̬ṉ̱̻͙͉͠v̗̜̦̣o͙̲̳ͅk̭̮͖̪̰̖i͈̱̞ņ̩ͅg҉̰͈̯ ͉͖͕̮͙͉̩t̷̘̹̟͉̭̳ͅh̴͚͈e̤͇͈̬͘ͅ ̨f͎̬̯̣̪e̢̪̰̜͙̩e҉̳͎̻̱̫̥l̺͖̘͘i̞͖ņ̳̯̻͕̝͕ͅg̱̥̱ ҉͓̯̣̙͙ọ̯͕̣̙ͅf̗͎̫̘̩͝ ͙̠̤͖̦̱c̸̳̼̠h̢̖̥͍͇̰̞a̳̘̹oͅs͈.̞͚̦̖̠̮̀ ̬̼̻͈͘  
̟̟̟W̫̻̭̝̮̤̦i͞t̟͍̫͘h̺͖͕͎͞ ̬͎͓̝̞͚̙o͙̱̠̱u̶̮̘̳t̟͜ ̼͍̱̫̤o̱͕̼̰͟r̴͖̱d̥̺̹̙e̲r̀.̧̩͚ͅ ̸̦͇̬  
͢T͕͜h͙̱̪̣e̪̩̖͎̬͈͉ N͍̥ez̬̟̪̜p̯e̠̹̩̰̘̞͠ŗ͖̝̳d͓͈͔̬̳i̷̟̪̜̟̹̝̖a̟͙n̴̠̩ ̢ͅh̗̳͔̻͢i̵̙v̯͎̗̼̙͚è̬͓-̵͎̱̹̯̩͇͙m҉̯͔͈̖͖i̕nḍ̙ ̸̮̲̪̺o̥͕̠͕͙f͖̯̻̩͟ ̧̰c̟̲̝h͞ạ̤̯͍͚̤͟o̞͍s̴.̝́ ̡̘͔̲͙Z̥a͏͍̥̙͓̲ḽ̥̬͚̠́ͅg̱̻̩̦̘̝͇͜o̱͈.̴̳͈͇̩ ̗ ̛  
͡He̙̱̺͕̫̪ ̟̞͉͓̭́wh̢̘̲̜̺͖o̰̫͈̯̘ͅ ̼̰̭̰̘W͏a͍͕̝͉i̦͖̪͉̭̬̥͜t̘͎̤s͔͉̼̺ ̮̺̮͕B̡̰͍̭͔̣e̦̟h̘̫̺̩̻͖i̠n̢̖͉͖̩̼͓d̯̯̗̙̹ ̫͖͖̼͈T̲̳̯̗h͉̳̤͉e̟̞̫̱̙ ̜̮͕W̥͖̤͟ͅa͇͕̞̙͈͡l̢l̷͇͕͖̹̳.͏̥̯̝ ̩̬͍  
Z̖̱̟͙ͅA͉͓L̛͙͍͉̰̤G̷̻̥̜͈O!̯

Was what the hand seemed to be sying.

"sup cunt?" asked saiga brazenly.

"holy freakin balls" shrieked rukia as a nebulous gobbet of effluvial blackness corroded some spacetime near her foot.

"don't embarrass me in front of the hivemind" hissed saiga "why cant you be cooler? Like heather mason from silent hill 3 or lightning from final fantasy XIII" even their character designs were cooler. Saiga hoped this dislike would evaporate in ichogos presence.

Rukia took another drink from her flask.

Saiga frowned as his nose began to bleed. "could you make the hivemind stop doing that at me?" he asked rend niggerhand.

"I'm-I'm afraid not" forced out rend. "I'm not it's boss and… it seems that you are the chosen one"

Saiga rolled his eyes, of course he was the chosen one, how was that not _blatantly_ obvious? "chosen of what?" he asked rend.

Chosen one was something of a misnomer with Zalgo, as it equated to something a lot closer to 'branch manager', but Rend decided it was not economical to let saiga know that little factoid. "chosen by the hivemind"

"I swore I'd stop working as an anon a long time ago" saiga joked "but I guess I have no choice"

No choice indeed, a bead of sweat ran down rend's neck. "then you accept the task and bond the contract"

"yeah alright" shrugged saiga.

A geyser of purest darkness spewed forth from the niggerhand, spilling out over the landscape for miles, burning and pillaging the natural beauty. Katsura tried to move but his legs were stuck, he was sinking like it was physically incorrect quick sand, he grasped jojo's hand, his eyes promising it will all be alright.

"we journey now to your ancestral home, you spirit land" intoned rend as their heads vanished beneath the tide.

The assembaled crew stood at the edge of a yawning lake, the black watered edge closest to a grewat magnificent castle with a huge neon sign proclaiming 'CASTLE GAYSKULL'

"Well this isn't exactly much of a surprise" said tom as he loafed villainously.

"weill I'ms urprised" said wilykit black leather aquiver with suppressed mirth "who'd have though saiga's ancestors were noble enough to live in a whopping great castle?"

"I know this place…" whispered saiga in sheer liquid wonderment "thi is hwere I shall complete my destiny and become of the spess mahreens…"

"how about we worship slaanesh? saiga?" rukia batted her eyelasheds at him.

"your attraction to me is as confusing as only watching the last episode of that Sherlock show" saiga said and then smiled "keep it up." He then turned his back to her in disdain.

Rend mopped a hankercheif across his brow "well lads" he said bracingly against a sudden chill gust. "we must press on to gayskull"

"gayskull" echoed saiga dreamily as tey party of seven trecked a winding path up to the humongous front doors of te grand castle.

Rend pressed his nigger hand against te heavy lock, and with a click, opened it and went inside.

The ante chamber was spacious, but worn. The chess board style tiles getting progressively larger the further they went out. There was a crash and down from the tasteful staircase strode a man who was pulling off the sexy librarian lady look _astoundingly_.

"Greetings" he said cheerily "I'm troy the admin guiy, what bring you here to gayskull?"

Saiga pushed himself up to the front of the group and surveyed the man with the disdaina lord might bestoy upon his most lowly slave "I am here to fulfill my destiny…"

Troy lookat asiga, then at his team, then back to saiga and clicked his fingers. "welcome home lord vi Britannia"

"I daresay it is"sneered saiga imperiously.

"very much so" agreed troy "perhaps you would all like to take tea? There are matters of finances and possessions I shall ned to discuss with sir vi brittania"

"Hold up" saiga narrowed his eyes "I can't be sure sionce I'm not a neglected ten year old orphan, but are yo going to tell me I'm unfathomably rich, have an armourty of powerful magical items and am going to receive special combat training?"

"wasn't going to put it quite so bliuntly, but yeah"

Saiga heald out his left hand and shook troys with a closed eye smile. Dull red veins began to spread up troys arm like poison. "I'm ever so politely not interested"

"wait" gasped out troy "the prophecy said to give you the important quest item"

Saiga let go immediately. Important quest items and prophacys were srs bsns u gais.

They all supped of their tea daintily in the tea room waiting for troy to return with the quest item.

Wilykit set down her cup with a chink, "did you see that ludicrous display last night?" she asked rend.

"what was calabash thinking?" rend rolled his eyes in disgust "playing nigels skitter bonus that early"

"the thing with rickman is they always try to bandersnatch it in" wilykit elaborated knowingly.

Katsura had no idea what they were playing at hackneying a reference like that, but when he tried to voice his thoughts wilykit stabbed him with a pin.

There wa the chick of teacups and esy conversation, and then troy returned bearing a item swaddled in heavy cloth. Saiga accepted the parcel and unwrapped it hastily, heedless of the the dark forces withing threatening to tear his soula part.

It was a book made of flesh, bound in human skin.

Saiga gingerly fingered the man jerky pages, traced the delicate arcaneries etched onto the cover and "hmm'd" with a frown.

He drnk a bit more tea.

"something wrong?" sneered tom from behind crossed legs.

Saiga shook his head "this book just ooks a bit eveil is all" he turned to try. "does it come in ebook format?"

Troy just gave him a look.

"mmmmnhmmm well allright then" saiga wimbled and opened the book carefully, his beady eye beholding pages of stiched together foreskins, done in pattersn so carefully that the wrods were written in the stitches. A sudden rush of long dead information assaulted saiga in the brain pan, filling him with visions of ancestors past going about deadly quests. The earl of lemongrab discovering the horror. Quientin tarrentino finding out from his aging grandfather lemongrab, and continuing the investigations before producing seeral films about the subject. Saiga's very own grandmother, Priscilla queen of the desert fighting fell beasts in the dead of night.

He shied away from the pages, closing the book in a cloud of meatsmell.

"I hath seen of mine destiny" his eye weeped pale fog "I musteth stop an old god"

Troy seemed unsurprised.

"oh?" said katsura politely "which one?"

"slaanesh, I guess?" saiga batted away rukias hand which was creeping slowly up his thigh. "it was already referenced"

Katsura shrugged "a fine a guess as any"

"so niggerhand" said saiga "what was the epic quest zalgo wanted of me? Get the book and then what?"

Rend stoked his aristocratic chin thoughtfully "I suppose you'd have to go destroy this old god, but in such a way that you'd need to get keys out of enemies carcass's, as well as shotgun shells and guns out of random crates, backtrack a bit because you got the wrong key-"

Siaga interrupted him with a loud sigh, "rigt, I get it, he wants me to kill myself from the tedium"

Rend opened his mouth to dispute this, though better of it and gave an agreeing shrug.

"right then" saiga stood up and rubbed his hands to gether in anticipation "I'm gonn assume this castle has a dungeon. Lets get cracking"

They left their tea mostly undrunk.

Siag sniffed imperilously at some bioluminescent fungi growing of the damp walls, unimpressed. "this is a shite as shit dungeon innit?" he asked katsura.

"is it?"

"well yeah" saiga fumed and lit up a cigarette. "I mean there was only one bottomless chasm and even then it only took rukia a minute to hit the bottom and walk back up. And the whole place gives off a basement vibe, like this is some sort of huge wine cellar but the removed all the wine so I couldn't have any." He blew a plume of smoke and waved his fag about in a gesture, "there's no barrels,crates, sarcophagi, urns, chests, jugs, skull piles, loose rocks or treasure cache's of any kind"

Katsura waved a cloud if ciggie smoke out of his eyes, "we are only just through the front doors"

Saiga snorted and blew smoke out his nose like an angry dragon. "what do yo suppose this elder god is anyways, you lot?" he queried of his kru.

"cthulhu"

"cthilhu"

"cthulhu"

"cthulhu"

"nyarlathotep"

"cthulhu"

"wait I change my answer to cthulhu"

Saiga took another drag on his fag. Fucking figures cthulhu. No yog sothoth, not a mention of dagon, black goat nowhere to be seen. "you know rlyeh is at the bottom of the ocean right?"

"actually" said rend "during my travels I found a little shortcut you know. Underneath an amusement park-"

"that never happened" cut in saiga, chewing angrily of the end of his fag.

"I filed quite a substantial amount of documenta-"

" " saiga cut rend off again.

"oh hey look some long grass!" sang rukia tipsily as she danced into it.

Dododododododododo dundun dun dundundun dun dun dundun! The battle music of a random encounter started up and everyones vision was covered over by balls.

Two men slid into view laying provocatively on a crcle of grass.

**A wild zombie itachi/nagato yaoi appeared!** Cycled across saiga's view as he slid across on a similar atch of grass.

"som of a mutha fuckin whre!" muttered saiga, levering his mostly smoked ciggie into his mouth and began chewing it up.

_What wil you do?_

Siaga turned back to his party who were all in single file behind him, "well we're fucked. No one can stand up to itachi, not even nagato. And he's against us"

He ws met with shrugs. Fuk. checked his inventory and found a most curious item, his cellular mobile phone, which if he remembered correctly should have his and ichigo's amateur sex tape upont. He swallowed his fag.

_Zombie itachi/nagato yaoi used Dominate Uke!_

Siag screwe his nose in disgust. Lets just say it was lucky for nagato thet he could regenerate.

_It was super effective! Saiga's moral fell!_

_Saiga vewied pornography!_

Siaga turned away from everyone and watched himself make da sweet lurvin with ichigo, and felt his lust kindle but a little.

Golden flames eveloped him, but their glow was feenle. A mere shadow of what could be achieved. His penis coiled out of its jean confines, writhing like a hose left alone of full bore. It ejactulated a bolt of falming fire that consumed the vigourously yaoing duo, boiling their flesh in the death dimension.

_Saiga gained 12exp!_

This truly is the work of a twisted horror.

The group carried on, propelled by their vigourous spirit.

"my guess is that the sealed horror is Dumbledore" bellowed saiga to the heavenes.

A bolt of lightning descendd like it was chuck Norris, carving a message in the stone floor. 'wrong guess you have twelve seconds to comply'

"HAH!" rend burst out in a sudden bark of laughter. "that was a grave mistake," he said as he took of his glove and the niggerhand of zalgo seeped into the messge. "we can now backtrace his ip address"

Another bolt spelt out 'good luck I'm behin seven proxies'

Rend was undeterred. "alright all" he said bracingingly, pointing to an inky portal made by zalgo's taint. "down the rabbit hole gents"

They all traipsed inside intrepidly.

The sight before them was not slightly. They stood on the precipice of a humongous city. A city of spires, and skyscrapers, and spawling urban crawl. Hovering atop the giant city, clearly warping the space impossible with its savage immensity, was a being that saiga's brain was telling him was not all there, and the part of it he could see was not what it looked like in reality.

"guess we got our god then" he said wearily, lighting ip another fag.

"yes…" muttered rend, turning his attention to the beast, that vast green thing with it's beard of green danglers, and wrinkled, pubic neck, eues burning with an unholy light. "we've finally found you, it too a while, seeing as you'd only come out after saiga on your masters orders."

The thing didn't move.

"oh but you _are_ scared, are't you?" Rend Niggerhand narrowed his eyes, "Ɗæ'Ǩȓȅmǐt Fơrg!"

Ɗæ'Ǩȓȅmǐt Fơrg let out an acsetral croak, the sound reverberationg about the impossible cavern. When it spoke it was not witth words, thought, letters nor comunicae of any discernible sort.

_Yes it is I that you have seek out_ _and disrupted my plan somewhat._

"what do you what with this relm? What does jacule desire?" rend spat.

_Youre all so empty so very empty is it so wrong for me to want to fill you_

_Your gizzards are so full of spaces so non compact_

_Your cells are rife with gaps your matter is one big empty shell_

_The very atoms that bind you are full of holes so very empty_

_Solid core surrounded by what_

_Electrons flitting around in a cloud of empty that only occasionally happen to factorise on a wavelength_

_Youre all so full of holes so empty reality is so empty_

_I want to fill your holes_

_you were asking for it_

"not so fast!" rend began to shout but gurgled instead. He could feel all of his holes being filled one by one.

All of the assembled withed as they begame hyperdense, heavier tthan heavy, condesning into one biomass reaching the point of black hole singularity.

All but a left arm. Saiga's left arm. The one made of angel flesh, still holding a lit fag.

Dark orange octogons exploded fucking everywhere, fistbumping n an orgy of destruction. A demonic chorus belting out a sick as fuck rendition of always by Eurasia set the tone as the anglel flesh saved the day. It writhed out and took on independent form, a string of nourishing beiangs lingke sausages or princess celestia. Ionic streams of pure fucking awesome tore at Ɗæ'Ǩȓȅmǐt Fơrg, ripping its scraggly green neckbeard thing that circled its entire neck, and the beast let out a single word before it was torn into infinite particles of energy and scattered across a billojn newly forming universes and sopread even further on the fave of a trillion big bangs that all condensed into one more explosion of rainbows and sparkling gore!

Spiras of orange energy poured out of the algnelarm, unfilling all the holes that fell green beastire had filled, opening up rwality hwere before it had been stuffed close.

All was well.

"that was so traumatic I don't even want _saiga_ to fill anything of mine for a good long while" shuddered rukia.

"me too" said jojo to which katsura agreed ferverently.

"I'll payback that fucking cuntrag if it's the last thing I do" spat out wilykit, shivering in her leathers.

Tom hit her in the head "fool girl! Don't waste time being angry. Just mark the wanker for death and make it so"

"I'm telling you it's not that simple" rend tried to placet the group.

"yeah you guys are really quite overreacting on this thing" saiga put his fag in his mouth and rubbed his eyes .

"no" said rend. "that wasn't what I meant"

"pray tell" saiga hissed from behind white plumes.

"I'm being transferred I'm moving away for a while" rend choked out.

"you must go now, your planet needs you?"

Rend shook his head. "I just have to go… file a report"

"this is quite sudden" commented rukia, glad to see him go. He occupied entirely too much of saiga's interest, interest that should have been hers at appropriate times.

"don't worry rukia" he gave her a winning smile. "I'm being raplced with another representative, one I think you'll like"

And then rend was a lady. Saiga spat at her in shock. Most other were indifferent. Katsura and jojo waved politely.

"oh a day!" the new rep curtsied gracefully, lifting the hems of her dress to expose ankle. She offered he black gloved hand to the group, "my name is akeffia, and I'll be taking over Rend's managerial duties for a while"

Saiga bit the end of his tongue off in annoyance. Who was this new hussy? She could be a dangerous liability. Ichigo had already been tempted away once before… he smiled grimly.

"hi" he shook her hand, trying to crush it painfully.

Akeffia smiled demurely, without so much as a flinch. "I see that he has taken care of the little problem here? He always was the competent one around the office"

Rukia moved forward, rend had been right, she did far prefer akeffia. There was no chance of her taking up saiga's valuable her time. "hey" she saiga clapping a jovial hand on akeffia's saiga. "don't worry about this sullen lot, it's more fun that it sounds, innit kit?"

Wilykit bounded up to introduce herself. "bleedin hell, anuva lady! Never thought one'd grace me eyes hanging out with this lot" she shook akkefia's hand, slipping a business card into her sleeve in an amateurish attempt to cultivate useful ontacts. "right buncha lowlifes they is"

Akeffia pressed her fingers to her lips, as though containing the sincerest of smiles. "well aren't you just a treat" she said, kneeling down to eye level with kit, eyes a twinkle with mischief. "I have a cousin just like you, in fact, and she also…"

Tom let the sounds drown away, to be picked up bu his massive brain for later use. All ways going according to plan.

"too right too right god save the QUEEN!"

The group started at the unexpected yell. A crasing of armour peceeded a group of boffins in beafeaters, jogging in file up to them.

A man in dark robes extracted himself from the ary like group and shouted at saiga from a safe distance.

"you are under a-fucking-rest!"

Saiga spat his fag butt onto the ground menacingly, "for what?" he asked with narrowed eyes.

"you have kidnapped our princess for the last time, scurrilous vagrant! And for that you _will_ face **justice**" the aging chancellor spat and raged.

"drat!" sighed akeffia, immaculately piching the bridge of her nose. "I thought I'd be able to escape or at least a month, how did you even tarce me from under the hivemind?"

"annnymous tip off!" screeched the beardy aggressor.

"I'll anonymously tip you off _my dick_!" sahouted saiga back to him.

"is that threat? Are you threateing me?" te old man bufoonteted in gumpy shock.

Saiga flash stepped the distance between them in an instant, appearing behind all the boffins's, "I don't do threats" he said, eyes a flash with ancestral pride as the robed dudes nose broke in a spray of blood.

"right!" shouted the chancellor, "_assault!_ I'll do you for that! Your nicked!"

"like fucking hell we are" rukia stepped up to the plate. "we didn't kidnap the princess, it's all been a big misunderstanding, I'll happily pay the fine for saig's assault"

"it's a trick!" shrieked the man who seemed panicked beyong rationale, "gurds! Guards! Capture them!"

Saiga smirked his face into the shadows of coolness.

Yeah. Fucking. _Right._

"how did this happen?" moaned saiga from inside a big dungeon cell, pressing a steak of orphan meat to his black eye.

"there was a reason I didn't hang out with you after school" muttered katsura. "and it ended just like this, only with a lot more vegemite. And brassieres."

"pfft" snorted saiga, "best night of your life though right?"

"I spent it getting worked over by the cops"

"fuuuun~" tilled jojo until katsura shot his a shut up look.

"sounds about as fun as a chupacabra" said kit "chupacabra for dicks"

"found a way out yet tom?" queried saiga.

"_of course not you soporific dullard!"_ spat the wizard, "do you think perchance, that if a way out was available, iw ould have found it by now?"

"yes?"

"_yes_" hissed the wizard flitting in and out of parseltongue.

"mellon!" cried rukia for the fifth time that day, because it wa funny apparently. She dissolved in a shower of giggles.

"at least they gave u s these tamagotchi" said jojo "that was nice of them."

Katsura threw his at jojo "mine pooped itself to death"

Rukia reformed into more giggles "grr" she growled "you yhink that's bad? Mine died by eting its own babbies! That's not food tamagothci! It's just now food!"

Tom cast incendio, burning away all her hair.

"quiet down in there you lot!" hollered a particularly dull guard, his face identical to the next, which meant he was probably part of a thousand batch of clones, bought in bulk for cheply prices.

Saiha howld like a rabid wearwolf, throwing himself against the bars with a crash. "COME At ME BRO!"

"naw maye" said the guard, reading his responss off a sheet of paper, "you come at me eh?" that didn't sound cosher.

Saiga felt o the floor, shock bursting our of his tearducts, coating the rousghshod stone floor in its bile. What sort of vile diabolical mastermind would condition his own guards against a prisoners taunts? It was wrong, so wrong.

"what is this hullabaloo?" cried the chancellor, sweeping into the room like abat in his new dark clothed attire, dragging behind him a single callow youth, who was apparently the warden. "guads, arrast these men"

"tehyve alraddy been arrested soire" said the clone guard good naturedly, "see how theyre already in their cell?"

"GOOD JOB YOU DESERVE A RAISE" shrieked the canhellor, "now quimby! Bring them to the Pit Of Judgement!"

The spotty teenager who was probably twenty waved his hands in a pattern, and glowing light bownd their hands, it rasied up, levitating them with teir hands in the air, toes barely scraping the grpund.

"eat a cock made of fire" shouted saiga as he wriggled about like a retard.

"somehow I _don't_ think you can bribe this guy like you did them coppers" remarked katsura.

"I can try though" saiga talked back to him, flopping around in his retraint like a magicarp using splash.

"SHUT UP" howled the chancellor, turning agitated to beserk without warning. "JUS SHUT Up"

"yeh maybe not witth the bribe" agreed saiga "this guy looks like a choker"

They all ended up in an old fashioned courtroom setting, all paneled oak and marble chandlers.

The robed chanchanchello marched up to where the judge saits and sat down. "let the hearing BEGIN"

Quimby snapped his fingers and all but saiga has their moths shut by purple energy.

"Objection!" sahouted saiga, pointing accusingly as the chanseller "you deliberately chose me because you fear the others reason and eloqu-"

The chancellor let out a wordless cry that tore at siaga's ears, ripped at his soul with its bestial angusihs. Saiga made note to reference peonix wright again, which would be a challenge since he'd never played the games.

"the defence rests" said saiga smugly, sitting on the floor and crossing his legs like a primary school student.

"you are being charged with the kidnap and assault of our precious princess akeffia!" said the chancellor mildy. "how plead you?"

"not guily milud" replied saiga. "she teleported in and I never even touched her"

"OH REALLy?" smirked the chancellor, "well then lets bring in our first surprise witness… SMEOGUl of PAKISTAN"

A slimy little git of a thing crawled into the room, leaving a trail of slime like a snail, staring out with his chibi kawaii style eyes…

"alright andy?" saiga greeted the beast.

"yess hello ssaiga" said smeogul glumly, as he was ofen want to do, being a glum cave dwelling critter himself.

"stop compromising the witnesses!" shrieked chancheller "now Gollum, tell me what you saw"

Smeargol pattered over to the stand "saiga was being very disdainful of the prinny"

"well a kidnapper would wouldn't he? But he had her confined?"

"not physically. Not that eye could see with my huge eyes"

"Well" the chanceller said smoothly "he wouldn't need physical binds with Tom there, who I can only assume let himself get caught"

"well I suppose" shrugged smollum.

"CALL IN THE NEXT WITNESS"

Nothing happened.

"ah" said chansello to thin air "so good of you to come, now tell me all about how saiga assaulted the princess" he craned his ear down to presumably listen to something.

There was a pause in te proceedings.

"oh?" smiled the man maliciously "so you attempted to break her hnd did you? Did nt want her trying to espcae? Yes, classic kidnapping MO"

"who was that one even?" saiga said, entirely unconcerned.

"kekleon"

Siaga shrugged unable to didspute this as kekleon were invisible path blocking little cuntsnots.

"I don't think I even have to point out how badly this is going for you do i?" said the chancellor even though that was what he just did. "would the next witness take the stand?"

A middle aged/slightly over fifty year old lady walked out into the courtroom, and took the stage.

"now you should know saiga quite well" said the unnamed man "wat can you tell me about his character?"

The woman fethched a cigarette on a long pipe thing that evil ladies use and lit it, letting the smoke bollow about to create effect. She sucked on it and held it in for an age, before blowing it into a bell jar. She opened the yawning chasm of her mouth and spoke forth a burbelling trorrnet of fluid gibberish.

"most fascinating" murmered the judge "and after he his the homeless man?"

More sloppy gibberish from tha obscured face.

"moooooom!" whined saiga like a scolded five year old "dpn't tell him that1!"

A very loud gasp broke the converstion, its surprised cadence cutting the air silent.

"WHAT IS IT PRIvATE NUMBNUTS?" shrieked the guy.

"sorry sir I'm not actually surprised" wheezed private nubnuts, taking some medicine from his asthma puffer. "this happens pretty often"

"the asthma or the mom?"

"yes" he wheezed.

"then go mop the semen from the bathroom walls!" schreeched the dude.

Private numbnuts lefts to go do that and saiga's om also left but to go do something else I guess.

"HAHAHA!" said the chainseller "THIS IS ALL IRREFUTABLE PROOOF THAT YO ARE A KIDNAPPINF VIOLENT BRIGAND!"

"not in this case but" protested saiga.

"I SENTENCE YOU ALL TO DEATH! DEATH BY ROBOTS!"

"and I sentence you to suck my dick, but somehow I don't think either will happen" smugged saiga smugly.

The canislor seethed.

"who's the jury anyway?" asked saiga.

It was mrs bunn the bakers wife.

"you know saiga" said the cancelolor, his entire demeanour changing. "your in pretty hot water here, goin to be killed, I could make it all go away you know"

Saiga sneezed.

The man peeled of his face, to reveal jesus' face. He put on a pair of raybans. "you must be hungry" said jesus, "come eat"

He snapped his fingers and all their binds vanished. "please seat yourselves" he gestured to the sof cushions that were somehow there.

They all sat on the cushions.

Jeusus smiled humble and spread his arms in wide acceptance, exposing the stigmata from his hands, but it didn't drip blood.

And from the lord spewed forth a torre..nt of mint chocolate bubbles, and ye did they spread out before yonder characters like a tapastery.

Saiga dipped his hand into the frothy brew, and marveled as it became solid frozen and easy to eat without mess. It was absolutely delicious.

"seems like you got yourself into a little pickle here" said jesus gently,, joining the squad on the rug. "it really is a srious chargen, with an even seriouser punishment that if you cooperate I could make it all go away, sweep it under the rug"

"jesus you sly dog" saiga grinned fascetiosluy "I'll owe ya one mate"

"oh?" jesus said with spock raised eyebrow moves "if you insist, the favours actually very simple. Stay away from the voldemort incursion"

"I'd sooner stay away from ichigo" hissed saiga, raising his hackles.

Jesus looked pointedly at the empty space ichigo usually ioccupied. "please saiga, I beseech you"

"no can do jalapeño"

Jesus took of his raybans, cleaned them on his white robe and put them baclk on. "you don't understand what's at stake here"

"don't care"

"look" said jesus lookingly "I had to go through a lot to even manifest out in this realm. The ritual, it required the death of eveey single jew in existance , they all had to die not knowing. Not knowing my plan. Not knowing what a massive cunt my dad is. An he holds all the power saiga, if I had to put it as an analogue, god would be dolan. This is why I need this voldemort war, this si why I need you to back off, so that I can free creation from dads despotic reign." Jesus paused and surveyed their expressions.

"I'm serious saiga. I need you to stay out of it, and before you say you can kill me, you cant. You could before. But now, I have _my device_. I have a whole batch waiting in th wings, this is a fight you wont win."

Saiga sneered. "I never thought I'd see the day jesus would harness the lust. Tell me as one user to another, what's your device?"

Jesus gave him a measured look, "a horde of loli angels"

Inside saiga was reeling from shock, this was highest teor stuff. Outside he retained his coolface "I will be coming on the day jesus h Christ, I'll be coming fo you"

For the first time jesus displayed not cool calm, but biting frustration. "you don't get it, it's not like it was…" he murmered some script in a languge incomprehensible, that saiga's holy ears could translate as only ' In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth, but everything changed when the fire nation attacked…'

"i. don't. care" said saiga.

Jesus sighed wearily. "I see this day had been wasted, but I have one last gift that I pray will change your mind" jesus smiled wearily and held up his hand. "I hope to never meet you on the filed of this battle"

There was the sound of snapping fingers and jesus vanished, but in his place stood Ichogo Krowsaki.

"saiga, I love you! This is the flower declaration of my heart!" cried ichigo as he threw himself into saiga's arms and kissed him passionately.

_It's a whole new world…everyone wants to be a master…everyone wants to show their skills…_

_N time to question my moves…me and my friends are gonna do it right…never gonna see us run away from Dwight_

_A kid from an aussie town…I wanna be an hero…_

_Its all about the challenges a brand new place a brand new world! New rivals! It's a fight for survival!_

_NOTHING CAN STOP US MXIMUM PARADISE DRIVER!_

**Just try guess which part I wrote while drunk and which part I wrote while off my tits on pain meds.**


	5. A Saigaian Film

ADOLF HITLER became a legend all feared.

SAIGA VI BRITTANNIA grew up in a house filled to the brim with hate. His only escape was into the wonderous world of japanime, which he acheived somehow during a freak storm, dragging his good buddy Ironypus(who has not been seen since) along with him. His new plan is to wed Ichigo and Rukia, and have sex with them heaps and stuff.

ICHIGO KUROSAKI is trying to make the best of this situation.

HAWKE is fighting tooth and nail to get Ichigo back using the power of love.

GOD is the equivalent of Dolan.

JESUS sacrificed the entire Jewish people to kick-start his second coming.

NIGEL THORNBERY DICKSPIDER may be the only hope of the multiverse.

Presenting:

MAXIMUM PARADISE DRIVER

You bitches ain't got shit!

* * *

Saiga felt the ripple of flesh and the crunch of bone as he slammed his fist into the face of the pope. Pope benedict was thrown back against the shining throne he was siting on, his aged head cracking like a fresh egg against the solid gold backing.

"I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, VINNY!" saiga shouted at the now downed pope, who was stirring feebly agabint his mighty throne.

The pope managed a crackling gurgle, conveying all the defiance his order possessed, his once kind eyes hard as steel. As his jaw worked it's way back into place, the pope spat a shower of teeth onto the pricelessly jeweled floor of the Vatican, blood dripping thickly from his papal jowls.

The crowd of cardinals knelt silent, with nary a whisper of cloth or rustle of rosary beads.

"not so tough noq are you?" sneered saiga at the octogenarian "now that I've killed your beareded Korean whore"

"peace be with you, my son" murmered the pope, in that demure popeish way of his, accepting hot towel froma nearby swiss guard. He straightedned himself in the throne of el dorado, wiping blood and bone shards from his wrinkled face, wrinkled even more so from disappointment at the door-bursting head-long charge tenacity of the boy before him.

Saiga gave a swift, vicious kick to the popes old man shin, near severing the withered limb in a puff of dusty skin, "peace be at _my dick!_" he said to the pope before upending a fanny pack all over the popes robe covered lap.

Anus's, dried and pressed like wildflowers, tumbled a graceful dance over the popes knees and gathered in small piles. "yeah I found your stash" said saiga flippantly, with an airy gesture. "five centuries worth? Gonna be a good retirement partyy eh? Oh wait… _that's tonight!_" saiga's eyes gleamed sinisterly with the light of retirony.

The pope gave a slow nod. A nod that carried dissaproval, and yet understanding. "saiga" he spoke in his most gravest expression "may I call you saiga?"

The pope didn't wait before pressing on.

"none the less, you are troubled, child. And more than a little mistaken, for you see, I retired yesterday, I am no longer the pope" said the pope.

Saiga grimaced and attempted to knock the pope pope hat off his head like a child, but the hat did not budge. "are you saying I'm wrong?" saiga thratened "that I misjudged the timezones? That I forgot to reset my wautch?"

"yes" the pope conceeded gravely. He kindly refrained from mentioned that his name was not, in fact, Vinny.

"_OH REALLY?!"_ saiga suddenly scremed into the face of the pope. The gripped the throned high backrst and tore it off, hurling the heavy chunk of metal into a nearby cardinal, who exploded in a shower of bloody mist and fleshy chunks.

Pope benedict shifted slightly in his now ruined throne, an anus drifted to the bejewled floor. Upon his signal, a squadron of swiss gurds droped from their hidden places on the ceiling, landing ina circle around saiga and the pope. As one they unsheathed their halberds, levveling them at saiga's throat.

"saiga vi brittannia…" the pope began, his tone that of a caring grandfather. "I know your father, charlie, never ha-"

"eat a bag of dicks _papist_!" spat saiga. The halberds inched closer in preperation of the threat.

"then we shall not speak of him" the pope once again demurred to saiga's victorious expression, "but of you, my son. My agents have been weatching you from afar, and they tell me a great many things, things I did not wish to hear, things I wish they did not have to see. Your actions lead you astray-"

Saiga thought about spitting at the pope, but a sharp steel prick on his windpipe convinced him otherwise. 'I have no with to join you cult, _pope_, if that is your real name"

"and you do not need to, child" the pope spread his ams grandly. "you need not join us to good, to be of the light, we are merely a vehicle to help you on the way to greatness. You may repent yor past actions" the pope retrieved an oddly high tech ipad from beneath his robes, which played a slideshowvideo of saiga's missdeeds. "there was no need to kill nad rape jesus's corpse…" he shook his head sadly and vaished the ipad.

"there was no need for you to dit it a thousand times over to uncountable ammounts of people, why?"

Saiga cut the pope off with a snarl, "_The Aristocrats!_" he hissed with eyes like venom.

The pope closed his eyes for atime "you didn't need to take the job saiga, what need you of money? Likewise you never needed to steal all those things, lie and cheat, bl;ackmail and fruadulise, and most importantly of all, you did not need to ensexslave ichigo. If you repent now, saiga, and server yor time in the gaols, change your ways and live the rest of your life helping others, our lord jesus may welcome you to his new heaven"

The pope opened his eyes to the sound. Laughter. Not happy bright laughter of a child on chgristmas, but deep and dark and entirely inhuman. His papel eyes began to glow bright in preperation for lasers, slightly obscuring the laughing mad visage of saiga, which held too much shadow, far too much.

"HAHAHA!" saiga wrenched, "so you DO work for jesus! I knwe it! Of course your in on his plot! You're the_ pope!_ A 'man of god'! HA! Your cloth spools only for the son now!"

The pope did not look happy at that last part.

Saiga bent double, still whooping in great belly laughs. "so how many jews did you kill for him yourself? A hundred? A thousand? A hundred thousand? Of course his lord the son must be reborn!" saiga jeered at the old man before him. "genocide! All to depose his dear old dad!"

The pope looked annoyed for the first time, "look, I know I was in the hitler youth but that was entirely involuntary"

But saiga, it seemed, was not listeniong. He seemed to be calming down to the occasional chuckle. "well that was all ineeded, jesus worker-"

The pope cut him off by shifting slight again in his big pope seat. The swiss guards, as one, thrust their halberd, but hit only air.

Saiga crouched under the jutting forset of pericing meatal in an impossibly cool way, seriously, it was awesome. He set his ipod on the ground, a suitably kickarse battle song beginning to play, and over it, the clear sound of a pants zipper being undone was heard.

There was a blur of motion, a mere smudge to the eyes, and all the halberds were splinters in the gaurds hands. Saiga stood up all slow like as the metal heads clanged atahinst the diamond encrusted floor, "I too hope, in this short reign, to see a man _in pieces_"

Saiga flittered out of the swiss circle, jaccobean ruffed men dropping, unable to contain the sheer awesome of saiga in their brains. He swanned through the air, right up near the pope nad then saiga's penis burst out of his open trousers, and skewered the pope to his throne, but all he got was emptuy robes.

Saiga looked around and saw the pope standing amongsth the still kneeling cardinals, gently ushering them out.

The pope stodd tall, taller than his relatively short stature provided, and swept back his pope cape. Underneath was a thing of black segmentesd armour plates and knives, a batman symbol covered over with an iron on cross. Yeah the pope is bros with batman, what of it?

Saiga carefully put himself away, and lifted his left arm.

The pope took this as a cue to begin. His body elongated, like it was madeof indistrial strength silly putty, and he swirled through the air at saiga like a sort of liquid snake, if that snake was also made of smoke. Benedicts papal jowels opened wider than a hippo's, showing needle fangs, dripping with poison.

Saiga kicked the oncomong pope in the side of the face, his neck ripping open. But instead of blood, the popes head curled into his back and melded in with the rest of his body. The momentum of the kick had swung the popes lower half aound like a medievil flail, the popes knee slamming into saiga's jaw like a freight train.

Saiga hit te ground hard, skidding like a skipped stone. The pope landed with a squish, and came slapping along the floor after him like an octopus, his limbs stretching and writhing.

Saiga looked up, dazed, just in time to see the popes eyes glow white. He batted away te laser beam into the ceiling which exploded outwards. Enormous chunks of solid gold began to fall, shattering priceless gems. Saiga lept onto one, and then another, using them as stepping stones to the roof.

"if you don't get up here pope, ima hang a shit into your chimney!" he shouted in elation, skipping up the rubble.

The pope let loose an unholy roar and gave chase, his tentaclish limbs working furiously to negate saiga's head start, but alas! There was only so much gold roofing to climb up and it fell at realistic speeds. The pope crashed heavily to the ground, but was undeterred. His gooey papal frame morphed into a corkscrew of blades, hi face in the center, the pope flew up into the air like a rocket, crashing dead on with saiga who was near the chimney tring to drop trou.

Saiga smirked as his plan worked. All he'd needed was to get the pope in close. He grabbed the poped shoulder, or what was where a shoulder normall was, with his left hand and vaporized it in a flash.

But the pope was already vapour.

As saiga realized hs folly, the papal jowels of the pope engulfed saiga's neck, the blade like teeth grinding with a screech against flesh hard as rock. One by one the popes fangs cracked, splintered and broke away. All but one, which stuck firm into the back of saiga's neck. The pope suddenly disengaged, shifting back into his aged form, a disapproving look creasing his brow.

"you don't have to act like this" he said, weary, "you can be so much better"

Saiga snorted and wriggled the fang out of his flesh and sniffed it. "dipped in communion wine" he commented, "resorting to poison now, pope?"

The pope gave a sad look, as though he himself had failed saiga and also himself. "the wine is spreading through your system, soon you'll be too drunk to resist. You've lost, you wont be able to stop us…"

Saiga cut the pope off with a rude hand gesture, thew likes of which would shock and amuse you. "what system?" he gloated mysteriously.

"your blood strea-" the pope stopped himself this time.

Saiga flexed, and in that flex, emptied his entire blood volume out and onto the Vatican roof, where it spread in a great cloud, mingling with the rubies inlaid.

"good luck getting me drunk, WHEN I HAVE NO BLOOD TO TRANSPORT THE ALCOHOL!"

The pope gave him an aggreived look, obviously unhappy at the dark red stain currently staining his priceless chapel. "can you please stop wrecking my once pristice cistine chapekl of the vatican, _please?_" queried the pope.

Saiga leapt and twisted through the air, his spinning heel connecting with the popes face, only to slip through, like he was kicking jelly.

The popes hand shot out like a python, wrapping around saiga's ankle, and bashing him repeatedly against the edge of the hole in the roof before hurling him back to ground floor level.

Saiga stood back up as the pope landed, and wiped a small trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth. This pope was really something else. Saiga pointed at the pope and closed one eye, the other squinting in focus. Saiga telescoped his vision in and saw the atoms that made up the pope. One by one he disconnected the bonds between neutron and proton and electron, ionic, covalent or otherwise, with his own electrical brain impulses.

The pope was genuinely surprised when his began to break apart into thin air. He toppled to the ground, an old man once again.

Saiga stalked over all cool like. He knelt down beside the stuggling and gasping elderly man, observing the terror sweat running down his papal jowels.

He picked him up by the lapels and bashed his head against the floor, "hey Shadow Pico" saiga intoned as his teeth turnied into a probiscus, "when hitler joins you in hell, tell him I say 'Hello'"

The pope managed one last gesture of forgiveness and confusion before the probiscos drained him knowledge of jesus.

Saiga stood up. Of course ssj3 hitler was in on it, or if he wasn't, that was just as bad. Saiga hated being tricked by his bvosses, and he hated his bosses being tricked into tricking him even more, if that was possible. Either way, SSj3 Hitler had failed him and had done jesus a favour, and saiga didn't like that kind of thing.

He had to go buy some chickpeas.

* * *

The tent opening, slick with rain, parted like an anime labia at dalek sec's questing plunger. With a metallic whir he forced his way inside and beheld the three sleeping figues before him.

"SAI-GA!" ha said mildly, or as mild as a dalek could get. "ICH-I-GO! RU-KI-A! YOU WILL A-WAKE! A-WAKE! _A-WKAE!_" Sec's voice modulator growled, spitting harsh feedback.

Saiga jerked awake, but failed to sit up due to the ungainly tangle of limbs he had somehow got caught up in. he turned to the right and paused to admire ichigo's scrote, and then to the left to observe rukia's breasts with a smile. "hello sec" he said radiantly.

Sec's plunger and gun cycled madly, "YOU HAVE A-WAKE-NED! THE TR-OOPS ARE REA-DY TO DE-PLOY! WE WILL EX-TER-MI-NATE THE EN-EMY! RISE! _RISE_!"

Saiga cracked his neck, "chillax bro, I got tnhis covered"

Sec made some garish metallic noises from within his casing, but trundled back outside.

Ichigo and rukia were blearily waking, after that noise they must have been really tired. Saiga scoffed at 47 seconds with his best scoff. "upsie daisy my sweets"

The sexy pair rose like the seventeen year olds they were, with much fussing that saiga (19-20) found simply adorable. He exited the tent, remembered he hadn't put any pants on, but he was already outside by now and who needs pants anyway?

Saiga scanned the horizon, taking in the billions of voldemorts with his aussie peepers. He turned to sec. "status report"

Sec just made more grating sounds of rage, so saiga let him be. He turned to the troops.

A single sasuke uchiha stood there like he owned the place, and since he was an uchiha, he probably did.

Saiga nodded, "assemble!" he cried, and sasuke deigned to look at him. Ichogo and rukia exited the tent, fully clothed, and joined rank. Sasuke, ichigo, rukia and sec. they were his army, all the army he needed. "ok" he said, "here's the battle plan: sec, you're recon/stealth/guerilla warfare. We need you to flip the enemies tables sneakily, and wear them down"

"YO-UR WILL BE DO-NE!" shreiked sec, activating his cloaking device and vanishing from veiw.

Saiga turned to sasuke, who was not paying attention and texting on his iphone. "uchiha, you'll be heavy assault. Run right in and tank the damage for sec-"

Sasuke interupted him with a dispondent teenager sort of noise. "I'm not sure if that module fits in with my pre planned re-revengeance"

"don't care" saiga told him firmy "just go kill as many voldemorts as you can as loudly as you can"

"jesus broke my old phone, you know" sauske lanmented. "we were at a beach party and supplies were low, so he turned it into jelly shots. None of which I got. I must be avenged"

Saiga rolled his eyes, "whateve-" a massive boom interupted him. He turned to see sec breaking the sound barrier just over the voldemort encampment, and drop down into their midst like a meteor.

"MAX-I-MUM EX-TER-MI-NA-TION!" sec bellowed at the top of his mechanical lungs, his death ray carving through large swathes of voldemorts with a _vreeeeBOOM!_

Saiga turned back to see sasuke missing, but thought nothing of it. He looked at ichigo and rukia. "as for you two" he grinnd his most rabble rousing grin, "what the hell, let's kill Hitler!"

They shared an unbelievably sweet three way high five.

* * *

Deep within the voldemort encampment sa a resplendant tent, that was underrstated yet elegant. Inside the tent sat jesus, his sunglasses set to the side, poring over old maps and manuscripts for some hope, some hint of defeating god.

A girl with long black hair tottered in, carrying a stack of books taller than she was. The topmost third teetered comically this way and that before she plonked them down on a side table, and exaggeratedly wiped her brow with her fluffy white wings. "jesus!" she trilled, pirouetting over to him, her shining silver dress fluttereing, "got the compendium for ya!"

Jesus looked up with a smile in his eyes, "cheers, yozura" he said and they fist bumped. Yozura was one of his loli angel horde, each six thopusand years old, but looking sixteen…_ish_. Jesus looked over to the compendium. "every fanfic ever writtena bout god" he muttered, "everyone written in actual gospel by a prophet.

"are they really all true?" asked yozura, sitting on the egde of the table so she could kick jesus' knee playfully, "because there's some disturbingly graphic scenes in there, even ones with you/hitler/god"

"they are true" jesus closed his eyes, trying to remember the horrors but the memories scattered when he reached for tem. "even if I cant rememeber"

Yozura harumphed in pity and leaned over to kiss jesus on the nose. There ws a muffled explosion and some of jesus's officers ran in.

"ah, generals akemi and flame princess, what was that?" whatever it was, it was cloaked from his eye, and that is never a good sign.

"you know how saiga was camped out the the field next to us" said flame princess, "and we all though the most he'd do was hurl insults, glare and waste time by having sex?"

"his new recruit, sec, is decimating our forces" general akemi. "timestop doesn't freeze him"

Jesus shook his head, bemused. "what was the point of having so many voldemorts if even one cant transfigure his casing into ducks?"

"we did warn you about that" admonished flame princess.

Jesus shrugged, "want me to handle it? I could stand going for a walk after being cooped up in here all day"

"ah" said general akemi, "there was something else" she reached into here hammerspace buckler and retrieved sasuke, whose hair had wilted into a sullen pile.

Jesus cocked his head to the side and frowned slightly, "how've ya been man?"

Sasuke gave the most magnificently sarcastic eyeroll in the history of ever, "I've been living in a pit of despaire and hatred, my every waking moment consumed by eternal agony, I doubt you'd have heard, I was pretty under ground"

"cool stry bro" said jesus.

"yeah, you probably didn't hear about me coming to get my revenge on you either"

jEsus made a mouth shrug.

"moosebite county, 1963"

"oh" said jeus "ooh, right yeah" he reached into his robe and retrieved a bottle of smirnoff to 'ice' sasuke with.

"you drank my phone, where is my phonme"

"it' in your hand"

Sasuke looked in his hand and saw a brand new iphone mk.9. "GRAAAAAAAAAAH!" he shouted, smashing the smirnoph all over the phone and fl;ailing wildy "my hate is much greater than yours!'

And with that he lunged forward and punched yozura in the face.

"what? No, c'mon man" jesus facepalmed as yozura broke sasuke's arms, "don't do thaaaat"

"my power…is maximum" gurgled sasuke as his susan oh arms defended against yozura's heavenly might, but failed and was slung back into general akemi's spacepouch.

Exasperated sighs were shared all round. And jesus' and yozura's eyes did that slidey thing where thy look out of the very corner of their eyes, and imperceptably nodded.

A bruise suddenly appeared on yozura's cheek, and tears threatened to break free from her eyes.

"Ah!" cried jesus, "let me see that!" he said, leaping over to examine the obscenely perfect bruise. "don'y worry" he said, kissing it better.

It was here that general akemi flipped her hair and left, draggin flame princess after her. Jesus was such a fucking weeaboo.

* * *

Hitler sat in an iron room, charts covering the walls, his officers crowded in nervously for today was the big day. His enormous ssj3 golden hair rippled seductively in the breeze created by his own power aira, his resplendant moustache a-quiver with hidden excitement.

"I have some good news and some bad news" one leuitenant said, gesturing to a map of ireland "kishimoto has revealed tobi's identity in this latest chapter. The whole chapter was a flashback of one person. We saw his face under the mask"

"alright" said hitler, his face calm, "now tell me the bad news"

The corporals looked shiftily guilty.

"my fuhrer" the leiutenant gulped, "Tobi is…" he paused, unable to articulate the revelation.

A bald commadore with an expanding paunch took up the slack. "tobi is revealed to be obito" he said, his face twisting in internal agony.

Silence fell upon the room like a graveshroud, it was like sound didnst while they waited for hitler tp make his move…

Hitler's hair swiled like it was ina hurricane as his shaking hand reached up to clumsily remove his glasses with a shaky hand. They evaporated under his grasp. "anyone who was a tobito supporter, please leave now…" he muttered, eyes closed.

All but five left the room, filing outside to listen at the door.

The moment the door shut, hitler's eyes snapped open, "What was he thinking!?" hitler shouted, "it just doesn't make sense! I cant believe kishimoto would make such a stupid decision! I mean, SERIOUSLY! This makes so many plot holes! He's never jumped the shark like this before over his own gaping plot holes!" hitler gotup and started parading around the room, gesturing wilddly.

"but kishimoto's been doing this for years" a brigadeir said, attempting to soothe hitlers animal rage.

"NEVER AS BAD AS THIS!" hitler boomed "and ignoring how tobi controled yagura and founded the akatsuki?! He's gone too far!" hitler threw his pencil at the map of ireland, peircing the earths core as he did so. "he leaves so many plotholes! Why not just have tobi be someone else instead of this?!kagami and izuma were MUCH better candidates! MY GOD! Does he not realise what he's done?! Not to mention the MASSIVE POWERR BOOST! Or even how his personality compleely changed! He's just ignoring details to mop up later with bad exposition! He just gave up didn't he…"

Ouide the bunker, or rather, in the air vents above it, saiga paused.

"I thought we were going to just kill him" said rukia, fiddling with her sword.

"no…" murmered saiga, "lets se where this goes"

Hitler had sat back down in his chair, which was bucklinunder the strain, "why are you becoming the new tite kubo? Why did you spoil a once fantastic series? Plot twist after plot twist. You shark jumping never ceases to amaze, does it?! Logic doesn't matter anymore, apparently. As long as there's money!"

"I knew there was a reson I took that job for him" chuckled saiga

Just as hitler was starting to say something that sounded like "I apologise" saiga, ichigo and rukia all burst thru the ceiling, and falling to the floor all over the assembled nazi officers.

"ah, saiga" said hitler warmly "I'm glad you came! We killed th last jew in existence last month, while you were still out in the field. Our new project, Project: Sigma Moon Base Nanobot Factory is now able to be started!" he gestured for saiga to take a seat .

Saiga sat down, and eyes hitler massive gold hair. "I was just having the strangest conversation, you know" he said, "with shadow pico"

"what is that?" asked hitler "some sort of foreign art film?"

"in a way" saig asaid, "but also entirely nothing like that. He's the pope"

"benedict?" hitler asked with a fond smile.

"aye. And he told me some very interesting secrects regarding jesus"

"wjat about jesus?"

"he rtold me alla bout the ceremony, when the last jew is sacrificed the son shall be reborn to walk the earth once again"

Hitler made a face, "shiiiiit bro, he want to stop me, that's for shure"

"oh but hitler" saiga said silkily, fondling rukia and ichigo, "he needed every single jew dead, and so did you"

Hitler flipped the table like desk he had "mein got! Weve been had!"

"and I don't like that kind of thing…" saiga muttered as bright flames licked out of his skin, his clothes and his hair, covering him completely. The flames burst like the music of a cherubs harp, all over the room, instamntly discintegrating the officers.

Hitler's ssj3 aura shielded him from the worst of it. He sighed and checked an ornate golded pocket watch. "I have a glaxaxy to run, saiga, I don't have time to babysit you"

"think of it more like apetting zoo" chipped in rukia.

Saiga's fist shot out like a bullet, punching through the afterimage of hitler who appeared behind him and kicked him in the back. As saiga tumbled, his still naked lower half burned brighter still as his dick, now a thing of solid flame, formed a lasso that caught hitler by the hair and whipped him away.

"I see the fires of your lust are fully awakened" rumbled hitler. "I did nazi this coming, anne frankly I wish it had never done so". Hitler clenched his fist, veins sticking out all over and rose up into the sky. Building destroying itself before him as he flew high up into the lower stratus.

With a wet farty sound, a jetlike sytream of fire burst from saiga's behind, propelling him up trailing a plume of smoke. He chased hitler like a swan chases it's prey; by bashing it with its dick until it dies.

"saiga" yelled hitler as his power level rose to over ninethousand (lol?) "your services are no longer required"

"that's not what the scouter says about your suck level!" shot back saiga, his butt cheeks rippling with the strain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAh!" said hitler for twelve mor episodes, firing his energy beam.

Saiga tried to dodge but the energy beam was too fast, it splashed over his chest like energy yogurt, and blood sprayed from his mouth for some reason as he exhaled. Ah, he thought, bit my tongue. Saiga tore the ruined tongie out and grew a new one, throwing the olsd one at hitler like a grenade, but hitler doged it.

The tongue exploded behing hitler and the surprisingly powerful shockwaved pummeled him towards saiga, who took this as a sign to kick him right on the nipple.

Hitler karate chopped him on the neck, and saiga tried to think up a quip involving calling hitler a 'big smelly willy' but couldn't, and so pimpslapped him instead.

"you've grown stronger Saiga, I'll admit" admitted hitler, "but your power is peanuts compared to mine!"

"rgaaaaaah!" screamed saiga, "I HATE THAT SHOW!" and he wrapped his legs around hitlers vchest, burning away his manly chest hair with his noxious exhaust fire.

Hitler had shaved his chest hair into a swastika, by the way in case you were wondering about it.

"just go whwere everybody knows you name DA DA DA!" said hitler with menacoing vengeful gusto, "and theya'll allways be glad ya came!"

"fuck at you hitler!" saiga shook with rage as he rammed hitler into berlin and flew up real high and began charging his attack.

"suck my dick, woman!" bellowed hitler as he flew at saiga like a superman, amrs outstretched, and double punched him in the nuts.

Saiga threw up the pain was so intense, spalttering hitler with bile and semen. His hands flew to his ruined groin which was spitting white hit sparks like a fireork.

Saiga's arse propellant gave out and he tumbled slowly to earth, faling onto the map of Ireland.

"oh shit" said rukia.

"this is real bad" agreed ichigo, as they both started rubbing their genitals all over saiga's face.

Saiga's arse jet flame roared back to life, and the flames of his lusdt burned brighteer and hotter thena they ever had. "WROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GHHHHHHHHH!" he howled a battle cry and shot upwards, back into the sky towards hiutler.

Saiga readied his boner, and with one last shout of "I want to kill you so bad my dick's hard!" thrust it right through hitler's ballsack and up into his pelvis. Their momentum carried tjem all the way out into space and saiga's cock grew ever larger, speering hitler right out the mouth. An enormous beam of light and fire burs from saiga's crotch, carryimng hitler out of earths orbit and directly into the sun, which exploded.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" said deadpanned as he flew back to berlin, and joined his girlfriends.

"well that was good" rukia clapped him on the back.

"yeah" said ichigo, "I did nazi that coming!"

Saiga rolled his eyes at that dumb arse joke, and repared himself in a wave of groinfire. The fire of lust seeped back into his body, to await his next battle.

"huh." Came a sslow voice from the doorway.

Saiga turned to behold a little girl with short red hair and fluffy wings. "the nearest catholic church is at least ten kilometers away" he told her as hitlers blood dripped onto the floor.

"seeing as I came to see Hitler, that wont be a problem" said the girl, leaning up against the doorframe and crossing her arms.

"oh, sure" said saig amiably, "he's right over there" he pointed to the space where the sun used to be.

The girl scratched her chin and frowned, "he exploded. You killed hitler. Thanks."

"hey" said rukia, "I know you" she pointed at the girl, "remember when we were watching jesus through that telescope? And he was playing beach volleyball with a bunch of girls?"

"no" said saiga.

"I wasn't watching the girls" replied ichigo.

"but I find ypour connection to jesus very interesting" continued saiga.

"and just a little obvious?" the girl asked straight facedly, her vulminous wings flapping gently.

Saiga clapped a rythem of 3-4-3 and ruika and ichoigo vanished, reappeared in front of the girl and chopped her neck with their kenneths.

The girl shot backwards like she had been fired from a cannon, half tearing through the iron walls in a cloud of dust.

Saiga coughed. That should have taken her head clean off.

The girl made a pained retching sound and staggered out of the dust, rubbing at a welt on her neck. "yeah, it's fine, I didn't want to talk to you guys anyway"

Saiga grabbed her entire head in his hand, "before you die, tell me your name"

The girl stopped stugglying, "Yuu" she said.

Saiga tore her head clean off in a spray of blood, "freakin smartarse" he grumbled, dropping the head. "I'm bored now, wanna go punch pregnant chicks in the guts?"

"wait saiga!" ichigo crowed in sudden glee, "we should totally send her head to jesus, it'd be a riot, I'm tellin ya"

"it _would be funny_" rukia imputed.

Siag shrugged, "yeah, ok" he whistled a sharp trill and fagcor the fuck drugon swirled down to him. "take this to jesus, yeah?" he told the fuck drugon.

As fagcor flew off, ruki aturned to saiga. "you totally missed a chance to do a bit from Austin powers back there yuu know?"

"aawwwww maaaan!" whijed saiga.

* * *

Wanderlust warrior and shlugo the great walked by jesus tent and out of sight, too far away to hear the scene inside.

"this is infuriating" said jesus, his voice deceptively mild as he held aloft yuu's disembodied head, and studied it's vacant eyes.

"an atrocity" agreed yozura trough gritted teeth.

"if we weren't in this war" another angel, ayase, spat, her glasses trembling with rage.

"we'd all go destroy him in a second" agreed jesus gently. "but for now, lets just hope he didn't burn the body…"

Jesus closed his eyes, and a ripple spread through the air. All was silent for a time. A small body burst through the open tent door and hovered in front of them. "I can probably put this back on" he mutered, spitting on the neck stump and placing it on the body.

The body of yuu jerked, as though she had just been electrocuted, and life flooded back into her eyes. Her eyelids flutered and she was back. "hey guys" she said wearily, "I've always wanted to be a cybog"

Yuu held up the stumps of her wrists, and examined the neatly sliced meat and bone.

Jeus turned away, took a deep breath, and turned back with a smile. "I'm _really_ glad you're alive" he knelt down and they hugged tenderly. "I'll design them myself, your new hands" he told yuu as he looked deep into her big grey eyes, "an hours work at most, you'll be good as new before afternoon tea"

"thanks jesus" she whispered, kissing him on the cheek, and sniffling. She heaved a sigh, "I wanna be able to make a lot of deus ex jokes about this, ok?" yuu said, as she stepped back and crossed her arms.

"I never played that one" admitted jesus

* * *

Saiga sure had had a lot of fun using that loli's hands to punch preggo chicks and have rukia and ichigo two handed handjob him, but he was bored again, so they went back to see how sec and Sasuke were doing.

"I realy thought they'd last ;longer than a day" said saiga as he waled into te camp of voldemorts undeterred up to jesus tent and poked his head in. "eyy gurl! You want some fuck?!"

Jesus turned around so facst he broke the sound vbarrier.

"hi jesus" said saiga sunnily, and then he spotted yuu, "man, sick robot hands. I've always wanted em, but my insurance company are dicks"

Jesus said nothing.

"yeah" saiga continued "must've sucked, you only look about fourteen sixteen, car crash?"

"car crash?" yuu facepalmed, "car crash take my hands? It's an outrage. It's a scandal."

"hey!" saiga smiled "I read harry potter too!" he clapped and cackled "snape kills Dumbledore!"

Jesus put on a pair of raybans.

"nice sunglasses" saiga chirped "they really go with yor beard and robe look". When he saw jesus wasn't responding he went over to a side table and picked up the electric kett;le, swilled it, deemed it full enough and switched it on.

"be honest" he said. "you've been looking forward to this haven't you?"

Jesus opened his hands, pulling shadows from the mouh of the tent. They curled and thrashed behind him, then rose in a gaint wave that rolled towards him. Saiga fell to one knee under the onslaught. It was a test. He was testing him, seeing how strong he was. When the wave wasgone, he lunged. Jesus ducked under the punch and grabbed him low, lifting saiga off his feet, taking him to the grass. His fists came down, battering his face. He tried to wrap his leg around jesus' waist but his robe expanded, keeping him fom locing his ankles together, his fists were hammers, driving hhim into the ground, the earth giving way beneath him. An extraordinary sensation.

He reached up with one hand, his fingers gripping the robe, and aiga pulled jesus down to him, slamming his forehead into jesus' armour plated raybans with enough force to brewak boulders. Jesus swayed slightly and saiga heaved himself out of the depression he had made, flippin them over, just like hitler had taught him.

He pushed himself to his feet and kicked, his boot finding a perfect spot on jesus' ribs. He kicked again and gain, shunting him along the ground. He tried to get up and he grabbed jesus head, aiming to pull the whole thing right off. Shadows flew at him, covering his face, cutting off his owygen. He felt jesus slip from his grasp and lashed out blindly. His left hand connected with him and the shadows went away as jesus stumbled back.

They observed each other, and saiga smiled, lit alight with lust for siaga/ichigpo/rukai and lifted off the ground. Jesus followed him. It was if jesus own lust fire reached down from the new sun and raised him up. Saiga laughed.

He flew high and fast, and jesus gave chase. The sky was cloudless, the moon half ful, the stars out over the countryside that flashed beneath him. Jesus was gaining so he flew faster. He glanced behind him to see jesus give a burst of speed and they collided, went spinning though the air, grappling. Everywhere jesus was in contact with him, spikes would grow from his robe. Thew couldn't get through his clothes, but they cut his hands, his neck, his face and his still unclothed lowr half. He his him but his sunglasses jurned jagged and it punctured his fist, breaking the knuckls.

He kicked away, swooped under jesus' grab and veered towards the light of the city, to where the sky turned orange and hid the stars. As he flew, he examined the pain he was feeling, dampened it and healed himself. Healed his back and his fingernails too, all the little cuts and scratches and bruises. It was freezing up here, but he didn't care about the cold. The wid in his face, his hair blown back, the trouble he was having taking a breath… it was all part of being alive. And saiga liked being alive.

He looked back. Jesus flew like a bullet, arms down at his sides, streamlined and efficient. He laughed, holding his own arms out like a superman. All he needed now was acape.

The night snatched jesus away. One moment he was hehind him, the next he was gone. Saiga looked around and he emerged from the dark ahead of her but he didn't alter his course. He curled his hands into fists and flew straight into jesus, catching him in the gut, speeding on with him folded over him. His left hand grabbed saiga's wrist, squeezing it so tightly the bones broke. He healed them instantly. Jesus reahed to her with his right hand, his tumb seeking his eyes. Saiga turned his head, but jesus had a good grip. If he burst his eyeball, how quickly would he be able to repair it?

He didn't know, so he let him do it,sand as an experiment he allowe the pain back in. his thumb burst his eye and he shrieked. His body convulsed and he twisted in mid air. Jesus' momentum carried him onwards, but saiga didn't care about him- all he cared about was the extraordinary pain he was experiencing. His hands wetre covering his face, feeling the blood and the jelly leak down uis cheek. He realized he was still scrwaming, screaming and roaring and crying, turning in circles in the air. When the pain was too much, he shut it off, and calmly pressed the remains of his eye back into its socket. An interesting experiment.

He opened his good eye, saw jesus coming for him. His shoulder slammed into his belly, his arm encircled him and they hurtled downwards. He blinked. The vision in hid bad eye going from nothing to blurry to perfect. Better than his right eye, in fact. To compensate, he sharpened that eye as well, and then returned his attention to his current predicament. He tried to look down at what they wrere flying towards but the wind was blowing his hir in the way. He wrapped his legs arounf jesus' waist, grabbed him where he could, and fipped, so tha now he was the pilot forcon jesus down. And now thjat his hair ws out of the way, he could see what thy were heading towards. O'connel street, in the middle of Dublin.

"oh," he said, and then they crashed.

Siaga lay there in the broken road, looking up at the suddenly starless sky in the last few moments of life, and he managed a shaky laugh. His bady was smashed. His lungs were burst and his heart wasn't beating. His limbs were twisted, his spine was pulverized, his head was cracked open. He could feel his brain starting to swell, so that was the first thing he healed. He wouldn't be able to do much thinking without his brain.

It was somewhere between four and five on a Monday morning. He healed his spine and raised his head, looked around. No civiliuans were standing there, string with open mouths. Pity. He's have like dtpo see their faces when he jizzed on them.

Jesus lay a few feet away. He wsnt moving.

Saiga repaired his internal organs, retsrted his heart and drew air into his newly formd lungs. Next came his limbs. His bones cracking as they realigned and knitted back together. He reached for his head, made sure his hair didn't get trapped in the fissure that healed in his skull. His ruptured skin closed over. He remembered he didn't have any blood any more, so he made more, and stood up.

"man" he sid to jesus, "that was a massive boner killer"

Jesus breakdanced to his feet, his right hand clenching and unclenching.

Saiga looked as the last of both their fires went out, "yeah, ima have to take a rain check here mate, go recharge my dick batteries, you know what I'm sayin' ese?"

Jesus whipped his sunglasses off. "first light. Fifth day. Look to my coming. Look to the east." He ground out, teeth clenched.

"sure thing bro"

At first light, on the fifth day, saiga looked to the east and saw not the rising sun, but a face in leiu of it. A massive face, it's features a crude drawing of an old bearded man, the likes of which you might find more than a passing resemblence to Dolan.

Jesus let out a sound that was half self dissapointed sigh/half animal anguish, "of course he lets me remember now," he said, taking off his sunglasses and rubbing his eyes. "why should I have expected any better…" he muttered sarcastically, coz with the memories he got back, gods plan was obvious in retrospect. He remembered the conversations, god gloating and then god changed his mind and suddenly the rebellion seemed like a good idea against an all powerfull, omnipotent being.

"holy shit" whispered saiga, "is that him?"

Jesus nodded in affirmative. "we've been had. Tricked by his cruelest trick. He made us think we had a chance, had hope. And then he took it all away right at our highest point. That's just the kind of guy he is…"

And lo did saiga gaze upon the visage of god, and he did feel his manic googly eyes bore directly into his own and-

As Ironypus typed, Saiga felt a surge of righteous energy through his monitor. He clung to his cock as he unveiled his findings, and so overcome was he by the truth and justice before him that he reached for his keyboard, tears of emotion streaming down his face. But Saiga found himself unable to so much as grace a key, until Ironypus had finished typing. It was if, dare he say, that righteous spiritual forces of truth and justice had possessed his very body. Saiga stood up, shaking with emotion, and stumbled out into the thundering rain- he fell to his knees in overwhelmed and all consuming awe, and as he looked searchingly to the heavens, rain lashing against his face, Saiga's lips could only form 4 humble words: "I believe in Ironypus".

* * *

_I believe this is all happening for a reason_

**End book 1**


	6. The Boy Who Lived

I looked into the bathroom mirror at my pale, neatly shaven face. There were ghosts in those eyes, like I was permanently going to Nearly Headless Nicks Deathday party. And that's worse than five retirement homes put together. This reminded me of that one Gypsy and the Cat song, about ghosts, which is quite the metaphor wouldn't you say? Well you would if you'd seen the film clip, with all those increasingly naked old people dancing about. What I'm saying is that it is like a metaphor for my haunted eyes, and that you, if you were to look into them, would see partying middle agers, all screaming one word, 'Saiga'.

That was my name, I guess, unless it maybe started with a 'C', (though that could have been a very unfortunate nickname). Also I was probably mental and had a psychotic break. Or actually travelled to a different universe. But that was all hidden behind a thick fog, and jumbled up with a second set of memories, all of them vying for position. One life mundane, the other batshit mental, and the only word I can reliably name myself with; Saiga.

I continued to eye the stained mirror with some distrust, and ran a hand through my hair. It was oddly voluminous, didn't seem to be quite real and immediately sprang back into a spiked style I was sure I'd seen in one anime or another. I turned my head slightly and frowned at the powder blue streaks that only existed when you approached it from a right angle. I turned away and rubbed at tired gritty eyes, wondering what the connection between Bleach and Hitler was, and why I found the Nazi party so downright jovial at times. I left the bathroom and wandered aimlessly around until I found myself in front of my laptop, which I was pretty sure had something to do with this whole mess. I checked last week's internet history, skimmed past porn and law studies related entries and clicked on the tab. A series of links tumbled out. The main page, a user's account for 'Ironypus', and I hovered the mouse over the story written by him/her. Maximum Paradise Driver. It was what I had been reading when everything in my head turned to shit, and I had only gone back once to discover the story gone without a trace.

Ironypus and Maximum Paradise Driver were important somehow, very important. But I wasn't sure why.

I closed my eyes in frustration, mental gears grinding, and my brain spat back a series of distorted memories that were like looking at a dream, or peyote hallucination, through a filter, if that filter was produced by whoever wrote The Mighty Boosh. Life seemed insipid, bleak, drained by the mess in my head. I stumbled around the room and sank into an armchair, my head lolling back, the grimy, unmoving ceiling fan filling my vision.

Fuck.

I had to go buy some chick peas.

Why?

Fuck…

I got up like a wet towel and flopped over to the door, grabbing my wallet and keys on the way. I left the house without bothering to lock it and a bastard of a sunset stabbed me in the eyes over a row of identical suburban houses. I should probably buy some sunnies, I thought, ray bans?

Expensive though.

I grimaced as a headache lanced between my eyes, which was probably coming on from dehydration. I vowed to buy Gatorade along with the chick peas.

The path I was taking would lead me to an obscure little health food shop owned by a retired Portugean fisherman with a silver afro. He was alright. A gormless citizen of Surfer's Paradise nearly bumped into me as I made a left turn. I gave a muttered "sorry", and he replied with a shrug and an apologetic, "mate".

I whisked away, head down, already forgetting about him as I rounded upon the shop, cleverly named Shop. As I neared the Shop, I noticed it was a little desolate for 5:45 on a Thursday afternoon. There was a sign on the door. Further inspection revealed to me the Shop was indeed closed. This early though? Was it bingo night? I didn't know.

After nearly a full minute of staring through the glass door in the direction of the Gatorade, I turned to leave and nearly ran into a girl.

"I thought it was you," she spat the last word in a tone that implied I was a massive dickhead.

I looked at the girl blearily, the dull fog in my mind swirling impotently, "I know your face," I whispered even before my brain consciously made the connection.

To say her features were _delicate_ would be the understatement of the year. Her face was so fine boned that it looked as though it would shatter if she smiled, maybe that was why she was frowning? But there was something a little off, her perfectly red hair had the same manga-ish look about that mine did, and even though she looked about thirteen, her body wasn't proportionally sized like a kids. More like an adult sculpted down…

"Oh do you now?" she said, baring absurdly perfect teeth that still managed to have cute little fangs.

"Yeah," I mumbled. This was no ordinary child. "I don't know how, or when, but it was in that other life"

The girl said nothing, her expression sour. I watched in silence, trying to remember anything specific that could help. Nothing came to mind; I hoped this wouldn't become a pattern.

"How much of godworld do you remember?" the girl cocked her head to the side, her huge eyes open wide.

I frowned, _godworld_? Is that what kids were calling either insanity or other dimensions these days? "Nothing specific, just… impressions". It was fucking odd that there was a link to whatever happened, and weirder still that it was this kid whose every mannerism was perfected into absolute moe. It was what people in the business referred to as, a loli.

"So not much huh…" the girl tapped a forefinger between her eyes.

"Holy shit is that a robot hand!?" I asked in a gruff, manly, definitely non voice cracking sort of way.

The girl looked at her delicate looking robot hand, "yes"

I didn't squeal with delight. "That's cool," I said nonchalantly.

"Yes," the girl smiled, "it's because of you I have them". She held up her other hand, showing the identical piece, and let me tell you now, they were pretty fucking sweet.

I was about to ask if other world me was Dr Doom but her smile wasn't happy. I started to get the impression that I was a hand chopper, and my other world memories did support that a little.

"Yeah?" I said, casually.

"Hitler's bunker, you killed me, remember?"

I didn't. I made a face demonstrating this.

The girl let out a sigh, her slender shoulders sagging. "Ok, fine. You're not the same here anyway, wherever here is, but you're the first sign of anything from godworld…"

As she trailed off, my stomach lurched violently. I really needed to buy those chick peas. "I gotta go buy some chickpeas!" I blurted out, "like, right now!"

"…what?" she said, closing one eye in confusion.

"Chick peas," I gestured like I was playing charades. "Little pea things, you boil 'em, mash 'em, put 'em in a stew"

"I know what they are!" the girl hissed.

I shrugged helplessly, "I think this is a compulsion from other me, it could be a clue!"

The girl rolled her eyes, "lead the way Poirot"

I cracked my neck to the left, but nothing happened, so I smoothly covered this by rolling it to the right, getting three weak clicks. I nodded, "I'm a regular dick Tracey!"

In hindsight, I should have gone with detective Norman Bostanaccent from heavy rain.

I headed off in the approximate direction of a BI-LO with a jerky movement, unsure as to whether or not I should motion for red head girl to follow after, or play it cool and not look back. I looked out the corner of my eye and ended up having to turn my head around, but the girl seemed to have gotten the gist of it.

The walk to the BI-LO was uncomfortable long, the still hot sun making my scalp prickle like it was being farmed by tiny farmers.

The automatic doors of the small mall wherein resided the BI-LO swept open before me like I was some kind of majestic Jedi on a mission to Save the World. I walked through the BI-LO entrance and up to where the health food wasn't, looked around stupidly, backtracked a bit and then finally found them. I picked up the 250g packet, hefted it, and decided it was good enough. That done, I hurried to the express checkout line where I had to wait for a guy whose face was all beard.

I impatiently tapped my foot, but the beard must have heard me because he shot me a black look as he collected his bags. Shit, I thought, that guy's probably going to decapitate me with the machete he keeps hidden in his moustache.

I stepped up to the metaphorical plate and handed the chick peas over to the middle aged check-out chick, fumbling out a "hello"

"Good afternoon," the lady said, smiling her mandated smile. "How are ya?"

"Good," I muttered, my eyes dropping to her name tag, "Regina. Yourself?"

"Lovely," replied Regina, scanning the peas. "That all?"

I nodded.

"Three dollars"

I dug my wallet out, fishing up gold coins, paid the correct money, and took the bag the chick peas were in with a tight smile. As I walked, my hand dipped into the bag and grabbed the receipt, crushing it up and throwing it and the bag into a bin. I clasped the chick peas so tightly I thought the packet might burst, savouring them.

I felt lighter now, refreshed. I realised I hadn't bought Gatorade, but that didn't matter anymore because the sharp pressure of my headache was gone. A sigh of relief cleared my lips as the automatic doors opened once again, and I revelled in the warm air.

"Hey man, you got the stuff?" red head girl asked drolly from the metal bench she was seated on.

I wiggled the chick peas getting a dry rustling sound, "you can have these if you like, I don't want them anymore"

With a final scuff of her cowboy boots, the girl hopped up and gave me a weird look. "That it?" she asked, "you didn't actually want them for anything? Not gonna whip up a tasty soup?"

"Nope, I guess not," I shook my head. "I don't even really like chick peas"

I tossed the packet to her. "So, like, what now?"

"First you get 500xp for completing this fetch quest," the girl said. "And then I give you either a magic hat or a magic sword"

"Wait! This place has magic?"

The girl shrugged.

"But if there's magic, probs we can get back to the real world!"

"This world is real," the girl glanced up at the sky, "it's just that it's in an alternate or parallel universe"

Man, I'd so totally called that one. It was a great relief to find out that I was not, in fact, mental. "How do you know that?" I asked in a sceptical tone. "I mean, we could just as easily be part of some cult who worships a sunken machine god. Robogod. And they messed with our heads to cover up that we knew too much!"

"You're fucking retarded," the girl responded flatly.

"Hey now," I told her, gesturing in a comforting, papal manner. "Robogod sees you from his underwater rave nirvana and understands-"

The girl turned on her heel and power walked away. I jogged until I caught up, "c'mon," I implored, "was only kidding 'coz I have no idea what's goin' on"

"I know," said the girl, "I just didn't want to listen to you flapping your idiot lips"

I glanced sideways at her and thought about calling her Hand of the Robogod to antagonise her, because of her hands, but decided it to be an unwise move. "What's your name anyway?"

"Yuu," said Yuu. "Not you as in you, but Yuu the name Yuu"

That was a Japanese name, but Japanese she was not. I filed Japan under the list of leads I had to investigate. "Last name?"

"I never needed one," Yuu shrugged.

"It should be _Guise_," I laughed, "Yuu Guise. I could be all, 'oh Yuu guise!' to a group of people but it'd only be your name"

"Wouldn't be wise," said Yuu breezily. "The pun would make me kill myself"

"Whatever, I'll get the right one eventually," I held out my hand. "I'm Saiga, by the way"

Yuu didn't shake it, "I know"

I retracted the hand. "How do you know so much stuff? About godworld or whatever. Every time I try I just get shit that makes no sense"

We turned right, down a footpath that cut through a park. Yuu heaved a sigh, "I guess I don't really have much choice," she said, "if you're gonna be the only one from home here"

It had been three days since I had gotten thrown out of my home reality, and granted I'd just been stumbling around at home, but Yuu had been out and about already?

"How come you're so on the ball with all this? Were you even from here as well, like me?"

"No," murmured Yuu, "I've never been here before"

"But you look like a kid, how have you even gotten money for food, or shelter, even?"

"I have the truncated memories of over six thousand years; I do have my ways of getting around"

My brain ground to a halt. "You're six thousand years old?" I asked flatly. What the fuck?

Yuu blew her fringe out of her eyes and took a deep breath, "Ok, see, back in godworld I was an Angel, and there was a bunch of us working for god as admin 'coz he kept making… save files, I guess you'd call them, of his universe. He went wrong, in the end, and Jesus came forth to challenge his father for right to rule, despite being dead at the time. God, he…gave out magic like crazy, and the more insane you were the more you got, so we had stuff like super sayain Hitler running around. It ended up a war, so Jesus turned the angels into a better fighting form, I used to look like a great big tongue of flame covered in eyes… Of course, god was omnipotent so he won anyway. But and follow me on this one, god doesn't exist here"


	7. Of the Rebellion

I sat at the kitchen table, elbows flat, fingers interlocked before my mouth and mentally reviewed yesterday.

It had started out normal enough until I went down the shop, and ran into a little girl who claimed to be from the same dimension as me. And that dimension was not the one I was in right now. I was apparently kicked out of a place called Godworld, by god himself. I knew this because the girl was an angel named Yuu gasai… I mentally redacted that last name, just in case she tried to kill me. This was also the reason I knew I wasn't schizophrenic or something. And today Yuu and I were going hunting for harry potter types. It was a puzzle, one I had to solve.

I reached across the table and picked up my phone from where I had so carelessly tossed it, praised myself for buying one with a qwerty keypad, and opened its notepad function.

_Godworld:_ I typed out, designating a space for observations, and underneath it

_Conclusions:_

That one was self explanatory. I put the phone down and sighed, making a mental note to add more things to the list, like Y_uu_ and _me_. A smile rippled across my face, that was never going to get old. I noticed my elbow hurt, and that was not a good sign. I thought about Tv Tropes.

Where there is good there is evil, where there is light there is dark, and where there is a tangled jumble of two timeline memories that refuse to cooperate there is Tv Tropes. I didn't yet know what that meant. My Google search revealed nothing, too, only some fan site about buffy the vampire slayer; ain't nobody got time for that! Of course, just like Maximum Paradise Driver, it could be entirely useless. Worse than useless, just some fanfic that may or may not exist, and even if it did, serve no purpose to anyone.

I glared sullenly at my phone, forced ignorance filling me with a crippling despondency. My stomach gurgled, a battle cry for hunger, but I ignored it. I had better things to do. I assumed the thinking position once more…

_This isn't working!_

I had to take things up a notch, and think deeply about the situation. I had to ask myself: _What would Kira do? _Hazy recollections of something called Death Note presented themselves to me, I noticed they were mostly about Misa's thighs.

_Going by what Yuu told me, our home dimension is ruled by a mad god, one who has no fucks to give and screws with everybody. Is it really a good idea to go back to such tyranny? She said he was omnipotent, so he'd already know everything that was ever going to happen, and everything that has ever happened, making him literally impossible to beat. But does that extend to this world? Yuu said he wasn't even here, but assuming his omnipotence lets him know if and when we get back to Godworld, we're already fucked. Should I even go back? What's in it for me? My memories, my apparent place as second most powerful magician, and something called Ichigo; dream interpretations are not my thing. There was something else about that, why god gave out magic, and I can't remember what… that should be my main priority. I need to get more information out of Yuu, even if she's been mindfucked too, there's still six thousand years in there. But how to get said information… I'm gonna have to be slick. Slick as my dick on a Friday night!_

I burst into side wracking, suppressed chuckles at that thought, coincidentally just as a rapping, came a tapping, upont my chamber door-

"Foreveuraagh!" I leapt up about a foot, but my exclamation of surprise wasn't quite as girly as I made it sound. I walked over and opened the front door.

Yuu stood on the doorstep looking thoroughly dishevelled. She was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday, looking like she'd slept in a ditch. There were dark smudges under her eyes, along with that kind of greasy look that comes from not showering.

"Yuu look like shit"

Yuu dusted a leaf from her hair, "well someone has to do some work around here or we're never getting home"

"Yuu were up all night investigating?" I had to admit, angels sure were driven.

Yuu rolled her eyes, "no, I was wasting time hanging around here, like a slob"

My eyes dropped to a stain of something brown on my shirt, "so did Yuu find any leads, El Detective?"

"stop doing that!" Yuu hissed at me with surprising anger. I bet the other angels picked on her for having such a stupid name, too.

I feigned ignorance, hopefully well enough. "doing what?"

I watched as Yuu's jaw clenched several times as the anger went away. For an angel she sure needed to work on her anger problem, shit like that gets you punched in the face by fat tradies in pubs.

Yuu shot me a filthy look, clearly stating she knew what I mean, and I knew what I meant.

"Being such a piece of shit," she said, "I've already got a lead, you going to get shown up by a kid?"

But she was older than me? Maybe this was just playful banter. "It's only natural for Watson to do Sherlock's legwork," I said.

"It's also natural for Sherlock to be good at _something_, rather than bad at _everything,_" I sniffed imperiously and walked away, over to the mailbox. It's a shame it wasn't 221b baker street, or whatever, then I might actually have to _be_ Sherlock, just for that. But then I'd have to find a guy skilled in looking puzzled, and have him live here and be irritated by my eccentricities.

I wandered back inside, leaving the front door wide open, and headed for my bedroom. As I was sifting through clean shirts loud clomping footsteps told me Yuu had stormed inside. Perhaps I would wear the blue tshirt? And I'd surely have to switch my shorts for jeans, just in case I had to look cool. But blue shirt and blue jeans didn't work, but green shirt did. That settled, I dressed, picked up my shoes and wandered around until I ended up in the kitchen.

Yuu sat on the floor, her cheeks bulging. A milo tin and a jar of peanut butter sat beside her, contaminated with the same spoon. She turned around at my entry, eyes contemptuous, forcing down the peanut milo brew with a mighty swallow. There was a speck of chocolaty peanut butter stuck on the corner of her mouth, and it took all of my considerable restraint not to wipe it off for her.

"there's no food in your fridge," she said in a superior tone, her sneer worthy of a Malfoy.

I sat on a chair and started pulling on some old socks, "guess we'll have to stop by the shops on the way home"

"Why _we_?" Yuu asked, dipping her spoon first in the peanut butter, and then in the milo. "There's no _we_ here, although, I will need you to buy me some gloves," she held her spoon hand up, the metallic digits waggling with faint _whirs_.

I nodded to the gloves suggestion, "No we? Of course there's a we. Me and Yuu, partners in crime solvings of a dimensional nature." I _was_ going to offer her a place to stay since she looked exactly like a homeless thirteen year old, but then I remembered she was technically several millennia older then me but holy shit how was I going to pay for anything? I ducked over to the kitchen bench, swiping my wallet and opening it to its fullest in one fell swoop.

A paperclip. And a subway coupon. What?

"That can't be right!" I demanded of the wallet, "the Hoenn Pokémon trainer circuit is actually pretty lucrative…?" I trailed off, that clearly wasn't a thing here. Fuckin' Broly.

Yuu snorted derisively, but offered no help.

I screwed my eyes shut and tried to remember, but soon thought better of it. I leapt to my phone and opened the contacts list, scrolled down a bit and found WORK. Unless I had strange friends, I probably worked there. I swiftly bounded into the lounge room and scooped up my laptop, opened the lid and then internet explorer.

I pressed _dial._

The phone rang a few times before someone picked it up. "_You've reached Baskin/Robbins accounting and law firm, this is Bridget speaking, how may I help you?"_

"Hi," I said. "Um, this is…" I paused for a split second, because for fucks sake my name probably wasn't Saiga here. I had one shot at this, brain don't fail me now! "Cray Tailor, I er, lost my work schedule? For this week? Could I talk to whoever's in charge of that?"

_Ia! Ia! Brain fhtagn!_

"S_ure…" Bridget muttered, "do you work for accounting or law?"_

"Accounting"

"O_k, I'll transfer you immediately"_

The line went dead.

"Who was that?" asked Yuu from the other room.

"Dunno," I replied as I typed Baskin/Robbins law and accounting into Google, "wrong number"

I eyed the search list apprehensively, I didn't want to work. But I didn't want to starve either... "FML," I mumbled and shut the laptop. I'd look into it tonight, definitely. after all, I still had my debit card, PIN 1077, same as a cheese pizza and a large soft drink at Panucci's pizza. There had to be at least, what, fifty bucks left on that? Stretch that out until I get home for sure.

"Alright you, I've had enough of this, we're leaving, gotta go find them magikans or whatever"

"Yes," Yuu drawled as she walked by the door on her way out, turning her bored and yet innocent eyes upon me, her expression one of absolute disdain. She still had that milo on her face. My hand twitched involuntarily in reaction to her cuteness, wanting to keep that angelic face unsullied.

Now it was my turn to turn scornful eyes upon myself. What absolute horseshit. What was I? Some weak willed Matsui to be taken in by childlike adorableness? Hardly. I smirked to myself, imagining the pleb who saw her next making an absolute dick of himself in public. Was that the kind of nonce I wanted to be, some _scrub_ without a fraction of my current willpower? Was this fucking Monogatari? Was this fucking _Komodo no_ _Jikan?_ I smiled, a cruel, hateful smile. If the world was throwing this shit at me, I would gladly accept the challenge. I got up and pocketed my things and walked out into the sun, it's rays not even thawing the outer layer of my malicious smirk, I began to sing-

"Jibun wo, sekai something..."


	8. A certain scientific Saigan

"Something something hmm hmm hmm hmm," I sang as I walked outside, following Yuu. It was once again, unreasonably hot, and sunny. I felt my legs start to go clammy with sweat, which felt fuggin' gross. Moist knees gross. Clammy knees, moist clammy knees. The price I paid for wearing jeans, and it was too late to turn back, I was already three steps out of the house and I could not turn back… no. A Saiga is one who endures.

I continued humming the strange tune cast from the dark, deep depths of memory as I followed Yuu to wherever it was we were going, which now that I thought about it, I should probably ask where that was.

"Oi, you!"

Yuu made a noise that was probably acknowledgement and not a promise of dismemberment.

"Where are these wise-ards anyway? I mean, how did Yuu even find out about magic being here?"

Yuu scoffed and fixed me with a withering glare. The glare continued for slightly longer than most glares, until it just became awkward. Awkward as in your hat has just turned into slightly off mackerel awkward.

"Well?" I pressed, "whe-"

"The slums, obviously," Yuu rolled her eyes contemptuously.

"Does Surfers Paradise even have those?" I asked.

Yuu's cheeks coloured ever so slightly, "well I mean the poorer, run down parts with homeless people and loutish chavs-"

"Bogans," I corrected her, absent mindedly.

"Bogans, fine whatever," Yuu hissed. "Smashing windows and nicking cars. Or at least, it looks like that sort of place"

"Why would mages live in a shithole if they can magic stuff better? Unless it's all a front and inside a shithouse is a mansion with talking furniture and Stockholm syndrome." Maybe they even had Automatic Knee De-Moistening Jeans? Magic could do that right? I was sure it could.

"Of course it's like that," Yuu withered at me some more, "or people would find out and cause trouble." She snorted derisively, "You should have been there when people just found out god was real, it was…" Yuu's bitter tone trailed off with her words, turning to uncertainty. "A bloodbath!" she said suddenly, her melodious voice somehow cracking.

"Cool story bro," I said, turning to look into the windows of houses we passed. Even if this was boring as shit, I needed more info, and if I acted dismissively now it'd make her more willing to share if I faked an interest in her interests later on. And if such simple psychology could work on a several millennia old supernaturally holy being, I was the only one able to make it so.

I utterly failed to suppress my squeak of excitement and Yuu gave me a weird look. "Allergies," I assured her.

Eventually, after entirely too much walking, Yuu led me to some kind of underpass like structure reeking of hobo piss. It was a dank place, moss growing on the walls in a pathetic attempt to cover up lame graffiti. Cigarette butts littered the moist concrete ground, sharing their space with crushed beer cans, toothpaste tubes and used condoms. I kicked an empty Head n' Shoulders bottle to the side, "why are we in this confound place?"

"Have a fucking guess," spat Yuu as she prowled the area, looking at surfaces and so on.

I cocked my head to the side. Well, if this was a vidya game or whatever, there might be a skeleton we had to loot, or a secret trapdoor to go through… and what kind of person lives under a squalid overpass like structure in a trapdoor house and would own a skeleton? "Gonna find us some living skeletons, eh?!"

Yuu scuffed at something on the ground, "living skeletons don't exist you idiot, secret messages and vampires exist, but not living skeletons"

"Y'know," I said as I kicked a shopping trolley that had fallen on its side like some great Viking warrior, wounded in battle. "I'm really starting to suspect you're trying to get me mugged by a gang called The Wizards. I mean, it'd take six of 'em to fight me, they're a wussy bunch. Yeah, I can see that happening. Yuu wandered the streets for three days and they recruited you to lure in marks with your mighty face, and they jump out and bash 'em and you get three party pies as payment. Only, you done goofed, I haven't any money. It was an easy mistake to make though, you remembered me as Saiga, The Witch King of Austrangmarlia, and figured I'd be rollin' in fifties and bitches! But I'm onto you now, you and your gang of pathetic thirty year old virgins"

Yuu didn't answer, which clearly meant I'd won. Oh yeah, that was some good smugness. "So-"

Yuu cut me off.

"Are you _quite_ finished with your little tirade?"

"No," I answered smugly, stepping over a particularly large condom.

"Because we're looking for _a clue to get back to godworld_, not some petty revenge mugging"

"But why would the clue be here?" I protested, mostly because I was sure a prostitute had died here recently, rotted for a few days, and was then improperly cleared away. "This is just a retarded place to look for sorcerers!"

"Do you have any ideas?" Yuu kicked a pabst can at me, "come on then, out with it"

"I'll do it tomorrow," I said, managing to yawn. Which was lucky, nonchalance is an attitude you have to work on tirelessly.

"Then shut up and look for addresses and phone numbers, possibly ones that glow"

Yuu turned back to the wall she was scouring with her expansive eyes, with, I noted, far too much superiority in them. I'd have to grind that out of her. Subtly, I got my phone out and added a reminder to come up with a better idea than this shit. I sidled over to the opposite wall and smiled.

"I found a phone number, _bitch!"_ Yeah! Take that you Yuu! Saiga represent!

"Oh?" came Yuu's sceptical reply, as though she thought I couldn't do anything right.

I'd show her.

"Yeah, if we call 01189998819991197253, Russel Tringam has a large, meaty cock for us," I turned to her and smirked my most evil smirk. "You could do with some cock up ya!"

Even from this distance I could hear Yuu grind her teeth.

"I'm thirteen."

"Six thousand and thirteen, maybe." I chuckled in a way that was sinister, I assure you.

"Tell it to the judge," Yuu hissed before making a surprisingly happy 'Oh!' sort of sound. "Perhaps it is you who needs the cock, you have been very tense, if you like I could give this gay prostitute a call, if you're too shy?"

I barely held in my sniggers. This little tart thought she had it in the bag. "I just said that Yuu is in need of some cock, but I never suspected you were a trap"

I felt the noose close around her dainty little neck. Perfect.

Yuu made a noise like an angry goose being kicked in the side, and stormed off to the other end of the underpass like structure.

Oh god yes, now I really did feel like Onani Master Kurosawa. In any other situation, this would be me quite forgetting myself, and verbally beating down a child with all my might, but this was me winning against something much older than myself. Even if she had never practiced this kind of low brow wit, her advanced age should surely make up for it, so this was indeed a joyous victory. I took a moment to compose myself and stop trembling with glee before going back to the search.

"Huh," said Yuu, some ten minutes later, dropping a stick to the filthy floor. The wall she had been picking at glimmered slightly, a delicate tracery of words. "Didn't expect this so soon"

"If it was the sudden realisation that you're a foul shaft gargler, it _is_ a bit soon," I quipped, feeling like a boss as I trudged over to her. "Because you're too dumb to figure it out quicker," I added, making this joke a double layer cake of insulting goodness.

"No," Yuu's face scrunched up in thought as she paused, obviously searching for an insult. "Shithead McShit…head…wanker, I just didn't expect to so utterly show you up by finding not only an address, but a glowing one. Remember how I said that would happen? I remember"

"Any syphilis infected bollock-toucher could find that," I sniffed in disgust, absently noting I couldn't smell dead hooker anymore.

"Yeah," Yuu scoffed, "any bollock-toucher but _you_"

Yuu probably thought she was hot shit, turning my insult back at me, but I was still winning… I leant over and read the sparkling address.

"I know vaguely where that is," I said. It was in the comparatively bad part of town. _Motherfucker._ It seemed as if little Yuu actually _had_ done some competent detective work. Fuck. Fucking fuck. Fuck this with the dicks of a thousand suns. Suns made of dicks in a galaxy of dick suns. The black hole was its own joke. But no… I internalised my keikaku doori face. This was a chance to use the gain-loss effect to get her on my side. I just had to be _Tsundere._

I put all my effort into this muttered, not too softly, not too loudly, with just the right tone… "Well done…"

Yes. That was perfect, and to make it complete…

"Let's go then!" I smiled, my voice chipper.

I saw it then, the confusion in her face, the very confusion I needed. The confusion that would let me manipulate her. I turned to leave, my movement still Dere as fuck, and walked away.

After a few seconds I heard her little footsteps follow after me, a pitter patter of victory. My victory.

I made my keikaku doori face.

* * *

"D'you think these'd fit me?" I asked Yuu, holding up a small pair of girls underpants completely heedless of the fact we were in the clothes section of Big W, and other people were around. Oh shit I'd forgotten about the other people. I felt myself shrink with embarrassment, but I held fast to what little courage I had left and looked Yuu in the eye, my face deadly serious, if a bit flushed.

"Can we go now?" she asked, her face equally flushed, gesturing to a pair of poorly made woollen gloves the colour of dying moss. "Because they will not fit you. Just like the last three pairs would not have fit you"

"I go," I said, swiping the gloves, "you stay. No following"

I watched in satisfaction as Yuu grit her teeth and stuffed her hands in her pockets, the little pout on her adorable face making a middle aged man trip over. That was always funny to watch, and only partly because Yuu hated it. I suppose it fulfilled the narcissistic part of myself that was proud of my strength of will, to shuck off the urge to glomp, to squee, to _adore._

Also, watching idiots fall over.

I set off, new vigour brimming in my step, towards the checkout, containing its customary moderately attractive Checkout Chick. There was a niggling feeling in the back of my head, like in another life I could conceivably find this girl attractive, but not now because she didn't have orange hair and wasn't a boy. Or wasn't a black haired girl and dead… why was the girl dead? I was sure it wasn't in a necrophiliac way; maybe she was a ghost or something. Yeah, I could fuck a ghost. But how would I fuck a ghost? Would I need a… Ghost Dick? Would my dick need to be a ghost?

"Just this, thanks," I said, handing the gloves to the human behind the counter. I read her nametag as 'Millie'.

"Will that be all today?" Millie asked, batting her eyelashes.

This also fulfilled the narcissistic part of me.

I nodded, "yes."

Millie scanned the gloves tag, "one dollar"

I presented my debit card, and then we did the thing with the card swipe and so on and Millie gave me a saucy look. Ha ha, gross.

That _shit_ taken care of, I walked over to out the front of the store where Yuu was waiting. I internally cursed her for not following me, thus derailing my plan to swear at her some more. But I always had a backup plan…

I held the gloves out of her reach, dangling them tauntingly. To her credit, Yuu didn't try to jump for them, which was a shame because it would have given at least one person a HNNNNNG induced heart attack.

"Give. Them. He-" she started to say.

I looked at her as though she were filth. "Get on your knees"

The look of indignant rage in her eyes was delicious, but even then I knew, I knew it was going to get even better.

"Fuck off," Yuu said.

"Knees," I repeated, curling my features into a look of refined cruelty. "Get on them"

Her legs bent slightly, almost to the point of subservience, but then suddenly straightened.

"Fuck off, said Yuu again, spinning around and striding away.

Oh. I really thought that she was going to do it. And then I was going to tell her to spit on the floor and start a rave. But you can't win 'em all, I guess. Bummer. I stalked after her, like I imagined Snape would stalk. Awesomely.

"Here," I said, with false reluctance, and tossed the gloves to her while looking the other way. Classic Tsundere.

Yuu huffed in a way I was sure was far better natured than it sounded as she put the gloves on, obscuring the fairly obvious automata of her hands. Which nobody had commented on thus far, which I felt was weird. Wired weird.

I felt suddenly thirsty, and looked around for a vending machine where I might purchase a mana potion to help in my fight against the overseers, but there was none. Even here, in this shopping centre, I was going to have to brave a vendor to purchase my beverages. Oh well, it could be worse, and there was a café only a little way away, and it would sell hot chocolates and even if those were several dollars more expensive than a can, the unsolicited gift would make Yuu just that much more compliant…

I set off at a harsh pace to procure my _liquid victory! _

* * *

Yuu and I left the shops via the front doors, sipping at steaming hot chocolates, and I felt the fool. Hot chocolates and sunny weather _do not_ mix! It wasn't even windy! Yes, _brain fhtagn_ indeed.

"I've thought of a last name," I said suddenly.

Yuu continued eyeing her drink with thinly veiled contempt. "Oh?" she said, "feel free to not tell me"

"Yuu Araragi! Yuu know, because Yuu keep doing that thing with your head!"

We walked for a while longer as Yuu continued to ignore me, in the direction of the address we had found earlier, and my mind churned with possibilities. What possible Man-Witches would we meet? Would they be French and all be called Phillip and all wear the same beret and moustache? I hoped so. I mean, there was always the possibility they were gonna be violent, because being reasonable, we found the address under an underpass like structure near the disreputable part of town. Fighting Mages, whom I bet I could take in a fight, not because I was confident in my abilities (even though I totally was), but because I had Yuu. She was a tiny girl with robot hands. Narrative casualty demanded she kick all kinds of arse.

I got out my phone and left another reminder: _check magic shops and the government MoM_

There! Already I had two better ideas than this tripe.

We walked on.

The neighbourhood we were in looked grey. Sort of washed out and was the closest thing SP had to Bad Suburbs. I suppose it looked kind of industrial, with dirty blocks of flats looking like they should be in some grungy steam-punk novel, which, really, was kinda out of place…

"How far to Gingamn Street?"

I nearly tripped over in surprise, nearly. My catlike grace kept me upright.

"Not far now," I gestured to a withered tree, "just gotta go through Mirkwood!"

I smiled dumbly as inspiration struck.

"I've even got a ring that makes me invisible when I put my finger in it"

"Just get killed by the spiders," Yuu sighed.

"The ring is my a-"

"I know what it is"

We walked for a bit more and I realised I didn't know where Gingamn street was.

"Do your hands have GPS in them?" I asked Yuu, "I don't know which direction Gingamn's in"

"They can't do anything but be hands"

I groaned. "Then I'm gonna have to…_ask for directions._" I looked around for a target. "Ask the conveniently alone lady, who seems to be the only person in this conspicuously empty place"

I zoomed in on her location, not with my camera eyes, but with my legs.

"Excuse me, ma'am," I said, dragging the ma'am out real long. "Would you be so kind as to direct us to Gingamn Street?"

As I said "Gingamn," the woman flinched like I'd slapped her in the face.

"No spreckenzie English," she blurted out and tried to walk around me.

Suspicious. I stuck my arm out, barring her path, boxing her in against a wall. "Gingamn street plox?" I said again.

The lady looked confused. "Et tu no English!"

"A likely story," I spat, "but you left a glaring hole in your defence. I'm not French."

"Eto…" mumbled the lady, her red rimmed eyes darting about, making her look a bit like a crack whore.

"Your lies mean nothing to me. Where is Gingamn Street?"

The lady tried to make a break for it, but I managed to heroically stop her.

"Gingamn el dissapeardo"

"Oh hoh," I trilled, "kind of like your self-worth?"

She looked stricken, "that wasn't funny"

Yes! I had her! I leaned in closer and loomed over her like a boss. "I'm not paid to be funny, sweetie"

Fear burst from her bloodshot eyes like a fire hose, "it's just around the corner," she pointed at a street sign that I could just make out said Gingamn St.

"E_xcellent,"_ I hissed and let her sprint away only to topple over as her high heel broke. She got up again and legged it like I was some kind of rapist. I turned to Yuu with a smile and noticed she was carrying a penknife and looked like a cat caught in headlights.

"I really doubt we'dve need to stab her up, you," I raised my eyebrows incredulously.

Yuu opened her mouth and sort of stammered a bit. "Yeah, well, you never know with these magic types, constant vigilance and all that"

"Great Scott! Yuu're right!" I decided to bring a knife with me next time. "Come on then!" I said, striding towards Gingamn Street, towards our answers.

Yuu dropped the now folded up penknife back down the top of her cowboy boot and followed after.


	9. Rotfang

I stood before the dark, foreboding door of the only residential address of Gingamn Street. A veritable pillar of darkness stretching up four floors. The block of flats, not the door. That would be retarded, and not even the city council was foolish enough to build a four story tall door. Who would even be able to open it, giants? Would giants live there? Rich giants with a taste for tall doors?

"Are you going to knock?" Yuu sneered from somewhere near my elbow, "or shall I pitch a tent?"

"Hush now you insolent child," I retorted, "you've interrupted my internal monologue. Looks like we'll have to reacquaint your face with daddy's nine iron"

"For interrupting you?" Yuu's voice was condescending, as though she didn't approve of harsh violence used for teaching kids how to behave. Bloody Liberal fucks.

"Sure, let's go with that," I offered, and knocked on the door using Morse code for S.O.S.

Seconds passed, turning into a minute. I huffed. I fidgeted. I put my hands in my pockets and took them out again. I checked Facebook on my phone, which was set up to a dummy account that I used to imply to people I hate that I fucked their mothers, and also that they were gay. The door finally opened with nary a whisper and I was suddenly not quite so confident in my fighting skills.

A very tall man in a black suit and tie stood before us. Even his hair and eyes were black. I guessed he didn't get out much, 'coz damn was he ever pale. He just looked at us mournfully, but mournfully as in he'd maybe regret it a little if he had to kill us.

A series of excuses burbled through my mind like a clear mountain stream to explain why we were here. Selling car insurance. Selling fine leather jackets. We are the cable guys. I was the plumber. The party clown. Could I use the toilet? Was he fully informed of the damnation that awaited him if he hadn't accepted Jesus as his saviour?

I wasn't sure why anyone would want _Jesus_ of all people as their saviour. I was cooler than him. Even if he could grow a beard and I couldn't.

"Good afternoon"

I turned to look at Yuu, wondering why she'd dare usurp my speaking privileges. But the little slattern was curtsying like she was the Queen mum.

"Might we meet with the Boss of this establishment?" Yuu continued

The doorman raised his eyebrows. "Do you have an appointment? I wasn't informed of anyone coming this afternoon, and we're already fully stocked"

The man spoke with what I could distinguish as a cockney accent.

"I'm afraid we don't," Yuu said gravely, "although I can assure you our offer will be profitable"

"Well," the man shrugged, obviously not giving half a shit, "we can always do with more stock, can't we? Though I'm guessing' you aren't stock"

I snorted by accident, and both turned to face me. I reddened under their gaze. "Well it sounds a bit like you're running a child sex ring, with that phrasing, is all"

The doorman rolled his eyes and Yuu gave a long suffering sigh. "The _Help_," she said by way of explanation, and the man nodded sagely.

I immediately felt foolish.

"I suppose you can come in. Head up to the very top floor, last room, and wait for someone to call you in. It shouldn't be too long. Be prepared to give donations, by the way"

The doorman stepped aside, and gestured for us to come in. As I entered the ante chamber, I noticed three things. One: we appeared to have stepped into a dingy fifties hotel. Two: there were little potted plants all over the front counter, and three: there was no elevator.

Dang and blast! Stairs for the Stair God!

I ignored Yuu as she thanked the man and stomped over to the stairwell. I will defeat you yet, you smug diamond patterned bastard! In forced slow motion I took the first step, making it look dramatic. A particularly damned orchestral Latin chant rose in my head to a crescendo with each step I conquered, each little ledge I crushed under my heel without a second thought or backward glance. A small smile graced my lips as I made it to the top of the first flight and saw rows of doors, each a solid steel portcullis, one of those wheel locks protruding from the front like a longboats steering wheel, but a longboat made of a special metal.

As we climbed the second flight, I traced my fingers over some very obviously claw marks etched into the plaster, peeling the muted wallpaper like a banana. It became clear to me that this particular establishment dealt in rare Bengal Tigers, and fed to them little girls. It couldn't be a very sustaining organisation, but evil gangs had their quirks. Some built model robots, some pretended to be Italian, and some fed kids to tigers. Not that I could blame them, I'd feed Yuu to a tiger in a hot second if it meant some form of payment.

The rest of the floors were much the same, metal doors, empty, smelling faintly of burning incense. Or burning pot. I could never tell those two apart.

As we neared the very last door I gave Yuu a little shove into the wall. "Ok kid," I said in my gruff man's voice, "I'm a do the talking from here, yeah?"

"If you insist," said Yuu imperiously. "I wouldn't mind if you got yourself killed"

"Yuu underestimate my power!"

"I overestimate it, if anything"

"Hey, don't be back sassin' me, or I'll put me powerful Moves on ya"

Yuu looked faintly disgusted. "What moves? You haven't got any moves. Or are you going to fake a seizure and try to throw up on me?"

There was no way I'd try The Vulture _now_. "As if," I scoffed, "I got some new moves the other day, ordered them by post, express ordered. You best be wary or I'll serve you up a slice of violent quiche, with a side of painful bacon. I've got a whole Faberge egg collection of moves, and I've been dying to test them out. How about we go with the Vibrating Palm?"

I reached for her chest and she punched me on the wrist with her metal hands and launched herself down the hall with a somersault, coming up in a roll and leaping to her feet.

I rubbed my wrist with a bemused expression, perhaps my last name was Araragi. I chuckled, "spaz out much?"

"No, I just didn't expect you to be catholic," Yuu bit out. "I should probably tell you now, I'm _boyish_, not _a_ _boy_"

"Oh shame for you, then. We could have had something special," I graced this remark with my heaviest sarcasm, and roundest of eye rolls. "Are you ever gonna stop abusing the fact that you only _look_ thirteen?"

"_Never!"_ Yuu spat harshly as we squared off in the hallway.

"Hmm," I hummed thoughtfully as I strolled past her and closer to the last room. "You're actually lucky I left being an /a/non when I watched Bleach, or I might actually have a go at you on principle"

I made a mental note to Google Bleach, because for the life of me I couldn't remember what it was, and to also apologise to the gods of 4chan for mixing 2D with 3D, even if it was for a joke.

"You're disgusting," Yuu seethed from somewhere behind me, but I no longer paid her heed for we had finally reached the last door on the top floor. This door was different from the others in that it had a name painted on in faded gold letters; _Haversham._

I could almost taste the black pudding from here. The spotted dick. The scotch egg. And the corned beef. Nothing could save me now from this veritable tidal wave of Englishness. They were going to shit pints all over me and I was going to drown in it, because being English is exactly like joining a cult, you see. You go to their enclosed compound, learn their ways and speak English in such a way that only others in the cult can understand you, unless they were speaking in received pronunciation, that most cunning of tools. It fooled you into thinking they were real people with class instead of a deadly army containing the foulest cretins known to man. Case in point, Prince Charles; The Queens Husband and Worlds Sneakiest Assassin. Not only could he poison a child from up to five hundred paces, he could also drive a car in case he needed a quick getaway.

Yes, the British were very wonderful indeed…

Or at least they were in godworld?

"What're the English like?" I asked of Yuu, favouring her with my attention once more.

She looked at me with those dead, grey eyes and spoke a single word of cruelty. Of malice. Of her will to throw a joke back in my face.

"Yuu"

I looked down my nose at her, my smirk a thing of beauty. "What a right bunch of cunts they must be then," I whispered like a striking snake.

"Oh you've _no_ idea," Yuu delivered the sentence like a pimp slap, but it splashed harmlessly against my face and dripped to the floor.

It was cute, in a way, that she thought she had the right stuff to insult me. I felt my head tipping up ever so slightly as the corners of my mouth curled up to reveal blunt incisors and I swear I could feel my eyes glow red. I turned my shinigami eye upon her frail form and saw she was giving me the finger. My mouth drooped but a fraction of an inch, and the spell was broken, the wind taken out of my sails and the moment ruined. Yuu seemed to sense this miniscule victory, for her gaze grew even more condescending than the incredibly posh and nasty people who are still unaccountably waiters. No one would ever make me eat soup with a fork again! My school wasn't free! My girlfriend wasn't gaudy! Because he was a moody teenager?

"Who's Ichigo, Yuu?" I asked.

"Well then Captain Bipolar," Yuu said, "since you asked so nicely, I'll tell you the truth."

She turned to face me and took a deep breath in preparation for a long and satisfying explanation.

"How the fuck should I know"

"Well then little miss Served 'Under' Jesus," I drawled, making the appropriate innuendo air quotation marks, Yuu's face turning a delightful shade of red. Who's catholic now, _bitch_? "Surely you could put those six thousand years of information to use"

Yuu frowned and shook her head, the redness still staining her cheeks. "You're only twenty years old, or whatever. Compared to the rest of my memory, you barely even register," she scoffed. "Be pleased I even remembered your drudgeon self at all"

"But you _did_ remember," I murmured. That _was_ odd. I can't have been shit-stirring up in godworld for even twenty years, babies don't even know how, so my relevance was even smaller than she implied. Closer to five years. And surely I wasn't the only thing going on in that wacky universe? There had to have been tons of distracting shit to reduce my relevance to her even further. This was suspicious… suspicious enough for me to think it was all a-

A buzzer went off and the wheel of the door span on its own before the whole contraption popped open with a _clang_ of sliding locks.

-and lost my train of thought.

"Alright you," I said, pounding a fist into my palm for emphasis. "Just remember your training for the Nigerian Assault Regiment; we go up over the wall and pop, pop, pop Gorilla!"

I kicked the door, which span on a central vertical axis and hit me in the shin. I fell backwards, a valiant "_Hiyaaaaah!"_ dying on my lips and I swore foul curse words, clutching my shin as spaghetti overflowed from my pockets.

Raucous sniggers erupted from inside the room, and even Yuu laughed at me. A Saiga is one who endures. A Saiga is one who endures. A Saiga is one who endures. I was _not_ morto. I was not.

I got up as smoothly as I could, as though nothing had happened. My face burned red, sizzling the spaghetti that coated it. "Just as planned," I nodded and continued with a whisper. "Now they'll underestimate me. Obfuscating stupidity, and all that"

"There's nothing obfuscating about it," Yuu said, her voice strangled from choking back laughter.

I did my level best to keep a straight face as we marched into the room, which was now silent except for the sounds you would usually expect from a room.

The room itself was modestly furnished in a lush, modern style. Tasteful artwork hung on the walls, complimenting the patterned rug which in turn complimented the pot plant. Seated on the plush leather lounge and recliners were seven men, looking to be in their mid-twenties, four holding gamestation controllers. They all wore black suits with a dress shirt in a corresponding colour of the rainbow; red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. Their uniformly handsome faces were as pale as the doorman's, with black hair and black eyes.

I felt my stomach drop into my shoes. There was no fucking way. Just no fucking way it could be fucking true.

"Bit too old to be playing at sentai, aren't you?" I awkwardly said, acutely aware that if these were regular blokes, I wouldn't be making references right off the bat.

They just fucking couldn't be.

"You what, mate?" said redshirt.

It wasn't true.

"Sentai," I explained, "like the Power Rangers"

I would trade my left hand to make it not so.

Blueshirt made a sudden threatening movement, "You having a giggle?"

They all sounded exceedingly cockney.

"No?"

I would just _die_.

"So what do you want then?" asked orangeshirt, placing his controller on the floor.

"Just so we're a hundred per cent on the same page," I swallowed in trepidation. "You lot _aren't_ sentai, right?"

I couldn't face her.

"Course we fucking aren't," crowed orangeshirt, "don't even know what that means, do I?"

"Good," I bit out, still not brave enough to look down to my left.

A gang of gay pride cockney vampires who ate little girls. I looked down to my left.

Yuu's face… if I didn't have my iron control, the pure condescending smugness would have driven me to my knees, mouth hanging slack in abject terror as I chanted bizarre nonsense words while fluid leaked from my ears.

"So you're here for business, then?" said orangeshirt, who was probably the leader and also Haversham. He sat back in his seat, crossed his legs and looked at me over steepled fingers.

"Yep. That's right"

"Well then," Haversham said, perking up and giving me a beard stubble smile. "You aware of the costs of dealing with us?"

I pursed my lips and put my hands on my hips, hoping to fuck they meant money. "How much?"

"Only a little, and then we can get onto proper business, for which the price can vary." Haversham stood up and shook my hand. "My name is Markus Faversham, pleased to meet you"

I frowned. Did he just say Haversham or Faversham? Meh, it didn't matter anyway.

"Saiga," I said with my most winning smile and gestured to Yuu. "And this is my manservant, You"

"I am _neither_ of those things," spat Yuu. "My name is-"

"Did I give you leave to speak?" I asked her silkily, like you would expect Lucius Malfoy would.

"Yuu, with two U's," continued Yuu as though she was ignoring me for some reason. "Pleased to meet you," she curtseyed daintily.

"And you, milady!" Markus tipped an imaginary hat. "Not often we get the bourgeoisie in here, a real honour it is"

As this was going on, redshirt was busying himself with a medical cabinet in the corner, which sucked massive amounts of arse. It didn't take a genetically enhanced dolphin to figure out what was going to happen next-

He approached with two sealed medical syringes, some sort of fluid and two Band-Aids.

"So just to be clear," I said as I held out my arm. "You lot _are_ **vampires**, right?"

"And if we are, you got a problem with that?" asked Faversham in his threatening thug voice.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," I hastily amended, suddenly more attentive of their rainbow shirt schema. "I just wanted to make sure"

This was turning metaphorical on a level which amused me greatly.

"Right," said redshirt as he swabbed my arm with some sort of alcohol based disinfectant. "My name is Derrick and I shall be your nurse for this eve"

He expertly located the vein and blood quickly filled the syringe. Derrick handed me the Band-Aid sniffed at the air. "He smells clean," he said bracingly to yellowshirt who was distracted by his smartphone.

Derrick then repeated the process with Yuu and I noticed he took considerably more care to be gentle. That dick. He then gathered seven shot glasses and squirted the same amount into each and handed them to his compatriots who were all licking their lips like a pack of greedy space Jews.

The vampires downed the blood in one gulp, looks of ecstasy on their pallid faces; theirs was the sin of greed and of gluttony.

"Mmm," murmured Faversham thoughtfully as his tongue gathered the residue from inside the glass, like a child licking his ice cream bowl. He looked at us with lustful eyes, "what even are you two? That weren't like any human blood I've ever tasted. So rich, like fruitcake"

"That's probably because we're from another dimension-mension-mension-mension ooh!" I sang that last part, and then added in a whisper, "we bum each other"

"No fucking way," said indigoshirt, looking up from where he had gone back to playing Skyrim. "Dimensional travellers?"

"We probably can't believe him," said violetshirt. "He talks like he's mental, and if it's not that why would he have come to us and not the Sanctuary?"

"My boys make a valid point, Saiga," said Faversham, his eyes menacing in their bestial passion. "Why did you come to us, if you are from another dimension?"

"_Hirogaru yami no naka kawashiatta kakumei no chigiri_!"

My mouth opened in confusion as my thigh started buzzing.

"_Ai shita yue ni mebaeta aku no hana!"_

I reached into my pocket and got out my phone, pressed the answer button, held it to my ear and said, "Hello?"

"Cray Tailor?" asked the voice at the other end of the line.

"One sec," I said, covered the mouthpiece, turned to the vampires and mouthed _I'm on the phone_, before walking away. "I am Cray Tailor, yes," I said as I walked out the door.

"It's me, Ken!" said the voice. "From work. Your boss"

"Oh, Ken, hi, what's up?"

"Bridget from reception said you called earlier, but got disconnected for some reason"

"Oh right yeah, that. I just wanted to know when my next shift is"

"Cray!" Ken exclaimed into the phone, making me hold it away from my ear. "Your still on leave for your grandmother's funeral, we'll call you when it's time"

I instantly changed tack. "Sorry, it's just that I want something to occupy my mind that isn't moping around the house"

"Ayy," Ken chided, "spend more time with your family"

"Yeah," I pulled off an impressive fake sad sigh. "You're right Ken, I'll go make mum a cuppa. Talk to you later"

"See ya-"

I cut off the end of the call and tapped my phone against my chin.

Inferences: I had consumed the real Cray Tailor and his memories _or_ there was another me running about at a funeral, getting laid by sad cousins.

I trundled back inside the room to find everyone seated on the lounge watching indigoshirt shoot city guards in the butt with a bow and arrow.

"You're playing this all wrong," I told him. I considered myself an expert in this subject. "You've gotta be a Kajheet Unarmed Heavy Armour specialist and punch everyone to death"

"Not my style, mate," he replied, pausing the game so everyone could pay attention to me again.

"Whatever," I scoffed. What were we talking about again…? "The reason I came to you lot first, is coz, in our efforts to find wizards, this little tart," I gestured to Yuu who was eating some sort of delicious biscuit. "Decided vampires would be better than whatever magical government you guys have. I'd like this to go through official channels, rather than your obviously illegal gang. We need someone who can use Dimensional Door, can you help?"

"Ain't no one can use Dimensional Door, kid," Faversham said coolly. "Best you'd get is a shunter, which is more likely to kill ya. Though you are right about the government. Dimensional travellers, they'd be all over that, giving you whatever you needed so they could study you in return. The science community would be popping all the boners for that chance; you're into that shit, right Jim?"

Indigo shirt snorted, "I know a bunch of uneducated nonces like yourselves would be incapable of appreciating what this means for humanities progress. Bet this could get us in for a favour with em though, I know a guy in R they've always hated you for that thing with Ned Kelly"

The entire group cacked themselves, clutching their sides and howling with laughter.

I started laughing too. A cloying sickly laugh, my best villain laugh. No one seemed to notice though.

"Yeah alright," Faversham chuckled, "we'll give you a hand, though if it turns out you ain't dimensional travellers, I'll jab you in the gums with me screwdriver"

"Wonderful!" I said, "we definitely are though"

Faversham nodded easily, "whatever, just bugger off till Monday. Round about ten in the morning, I've got shit to do over the weekend"

I nodded in return and headed for the door only stopping when I heard Yuu speak.

"Excuse me, Mr Faversham?" she asked her face hopeful and her eyes sparkling. "Would I be able to rent a room here until then? This dimensional travelling lark has left me homeless"

"What, not living with Boy Wonder over there?" Faversham gestured to me.

"Decidedly not"

"Whatever, as long as you can pay cash or blood"

"Thank you," said Yuu graciously.

I turned my eyes on them, cold like slivers of liquid nitrogen. "If you're going to keep a hostage, _make sure it's someone I care about"_

And with that I exited the room and waited until I was in the second stairwell before flailing over how cool I just was. My good mood persisted all the way home.

* * *

"You telling the truth?" asked Faversham as Jim shot another guard in the butt.

"Yes," said Yuu. "About both things"

"Do you think he suspects? He smells like an idiot"

Yuu smiled her first true smile in weeks. "There is simply no way"

"Then it is an absolute _pleasure_ doing business with you, Miss Yuu"


End file.
